~Ideas &Tid-bits~

A Year in the Life.. 2011

2012-01-04T15:12:00.002-06:00

Well that was it...that was 2011 that just shot by. It wasn't a good year and it wasn't a bad year.. I still have my home and job at "The Electronics" company and airport.. Ryan and I partnered our "knowledge" of the local scene and own/run local site; Sex in the Twin Cities. Later this fall I was added as a Staff Writer to MplsMusic.com which was picked up by the Pioneer Press.

I had a bad year with relationships with friends and relationships period-none of them worked out. Had a couple of prospects but then I changed my mind or they theirs. So be it...

The New Year started with a BANG as Kat, Kelly, Becky, Julie, Laura and I hit Niesen's in Savage with POPRocks!

Then at the end of January the ladies and I took over Cross Lake for a bit of chaos and partying; dubbing it as "Winterplapooza".. A tradition we decided to have every year as an excuse for all us busy girls to get together!

My 41st Birthday at the Local in Minneapolis... (Thank you again to the Staff at the Local!)

mmmm, Cider beer

We decided to celebrate all the friends we have with birthdays in April! HUGE party at Wild Bill's in Apple Valley!

Easter.. with snakes.. ISH!

Shane, Kami-O and Ryan checking out the snakes..

We were invited to the Re-opening of the Myth! Helluva party with Surly Jones and Hairball!

Kami-o, Julie, Kelly and Laura

Happy from Hairball

In May there was the Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band concert at the Xcel..

Randy Tollin and Kami-O

..and my college graduation ceremony.. (ceremony only- official graduation date was December 19th, 2011)

Wendy and I before the walk of scare!

In June, my fav guys from New York; WILDSTREET came out and played at Best Buy at MOA and Pickle Park..

Kami-O and Eric Jayk

Ian, Ali, Joos and Eric

Then I had a party for my friend Teeter, before he went off to Alaska for the summer... Why? Hell if I know but it was a reason to throw a party at the house!

In August, Wildstreet came back AGAIN! Awesomeness!

Dawn, Kami-o and Ian (after his perm!)

Then got to see Kurt Jorgensen and the Little River Band at the Medina! An annual event!

Halloween at Bootleggers...with Ryan, Matt, Danielle, Nike and me as Alice in Wonderland..

Danielle, Kami-O and Nike

Nike, Matt, Kami-O and Ryan

Christmas with the fam...

and New Years Eve 2011 at Oak City ..

Kami-O and Netsanet

Kami-O and Ryan

I'd be scared to think that 2012 would be better... I guess we'll have to find out..

Ryan and Kami-O messing around on Christmas 2010

Things and Stuff and Things

2011-12-19T12:29:00.010-06:00

I have updates, yep and several bursts of good news! First off I want to say sorry to my readers for the temper-tantrum I threw this summer.. A very complicated issue that had gone on and several people got involved.. blah, blah. Let’s save that story for another day shall we?

If your reading this and keep up with me on Facebook, sorry, for this maybe a recap of things you already know..

Endeavors: I have opened a “side” site or “hobby” site called “Sex in the Twin Cities” that I run with my brother Dr. Ryan and it focuses on everything local; music, eating, film, dating, festivals etc. It’s slowly catching a fire so we are keeping that fire stoked. Some of my articles caught the eye of a music blog guy who suggested I apply to be a writer for the music site “MplsMusic.com”. Its focus is local music. I was hired and the site has since been picked up by TwinCities.com (St. Paul Pioneer Press). So my articles can be seen in the local entertainment section of their site. So I’m excited that my writing is getting some exposure, especially since “MplsMusic.com” hired about 15 or so writers and only a few of us are actively writing.

In regard to all of this, I’ve been invited to several events, dinners, films & theater (Potpourri, In Harm’s Way, Spiked Too) and openings. I have to say I’ve been really busy and I LOVE it! I’m doing something I love and met quite a few really cool people in the process. Thanks everyone we/I appreciate it!!

School: I have finally jumped through all of the hoops and am finally done. I’m considering another degree in journalism or maybe a Masters in Music or Marketing or both.. I don’t know yet, it’s too soon to tell at this point. The degree took a bit longer than any of us (the school included) anticipated. Between 75-80 hrs/week of work, the side writing projects, and trying to have any sort of social life has been a challenge and one I don’t want to repeat again.

Health and Exercise: Well if you follow me on Facebook you know I have had a series of 5 leg surgeries; 4 on my right and 1 on my left. Why? I have the circulation of a squirrel, its true! What started out as me going in to have a check up to start a strict training routine (running), turned into circulatory doctors telling me my legs were really bad (especially my right) and I needed vein surgery right away. Huh? What? So to make a long story short, I had 4 shallow incisions, then about a total of 20-25 holes punched into my leg to pull out veins, close some, open some, and drain a lot of blood from my knee and ankle. My right took most of the work and had the most issues. I was originally told not to exercise or I’d cause myself to “bleed out” so I didn’t for about a month and half. During the last surgery on my right leg I was told to exercise as much as possible.. Huh? What?! I’d gained about 15lbs by then and decided to jump right into training, apparently a bit too quickly. I started to feel pain in my right foot and when I’d rest and try to get up afterwards it felt like a nail going through my foot. I went in and sure enough I found I fractured my heel. Too much, too soon. So I wear this hideous boot to bed every night and when I’m at the airport as not to irritate the fracture and let it heal properly. This also includes no running outside for a while, so I’m stuck on a treadmill or stationary bike until it heals. DAMN it! For the most part though, I am done and the legs are a bit sore but the heaviness is gone! I figure once the heel has healed, I'll be the bionic chica!

Dating: After the lame ass debacle that happened this summer I have decided to shelf my love life for the time being. This last dude hurt me and unknowingly (I think) put salt on the wound. I can say that I have seen him around town, at events and such and he now has a g-friend. Funny thing (salt on the wound) is that she resembles me in a lot of ways with the exception that she’s about 20 yrs younger than I. I figure if he’s happy, then I’m happy for him.

Then there’s Christian. He’s been a staple in my life for the past 2 years. He called it off between us back in June, his g-friend moved in with him. Recently he wanted to “meet up”. He tells me that he “refuses” to give up what we have (which is nothing). He cares for his g-friend but has “realized” he cares about me to. (eyes rolling) I think he likes the sneaking around, likes the drunk sex and that there’s not a commitment between us. The things I’m not ok with is the fact that he has cheated on his g-friend for I don’t how long (He didn’t tell me he even had a g-friend until I asked him in June) and the fact that he’s called it off, then on, then off.. blah, blah.. I think it’s funny that he gets pissed when I start dating someone and call it off. Anyway, he’s an idiot and I’m not getting involved with that mess! Watch I end up married to the moron, it wouldn’t surprise me.. I’m an idiot like that!

Job: Now that I’m done with school, I’m looking to be promoted at work. That has been in the works for several months and has stalled a bit. I figure that after the New Year I’ll probably start looking for something else. Maybe go with a Marketing Agency or something, it’s all too soon right now and I have too much on my plate to take on any new projects right now. That’s what I’m considering, since I’m in need of something that can pay me enough to quit the airport and pay my mortgage. That would be a nice Christmas present.. and a b-friend, and to run a half marathon, and finish my album... anyways.... :)

This Why I Love John Mayer..

2011-12-07T14:35:00.002-06:00

With Age...Comes Experience...

2011-11-30T15:57:00.000-06:00

I don’t know why I’m insecure, but I am. I’m getting older. I see it. Every day, every year. It drives me crazy and I never worried about it much until I turned 40.

It’s unavoidable, I know. As soon as I became aware of it, started seeing it. I compared myself to others. As soon as I wasn’t great at something… it’s because I’m old. Always the reason now.

What is making me feel this way? Why does it matter now? I have other great attributes that make me wonderful. I’m smart, confident, cultured, educated, and attractive. When did this start? Did it start when I was younger? Perhaps, but I come from a very encouraging, funny, “Italian-like” family, so I don’t feel as if I was the family reject even though we joked around about it.

I’ve moved often. Maybe that’s it. The not knowing what to expect? The not quite fitting in? I don’t doubt it played a role in making me the person I am, for I never really paid attention to what everyone else did, just myself. I’d like to think the best parts of my personality were created then because I had no choice but to adapt and keep myself in check. I’d like to think that’s where my social skills came from, even though my mother is very much a social butterfly.

My friendships over the years have very much been hit or miss, so perhaps there’s something there… but that’s how it is for most of us, I assume? I’ve had many of my close friends take me just as I am, but I’ve had a few that unequivocally wanted me to be something else: smarter, prettier, richer, funnier, more connected, more socially or politically aware… whatever. You can say they weren’t “real friends”, but I didn’t know that at the time. I tried to be all things to all people, and failed. So is that it? Are those enfluences the ones that have planted themselves firmly in the dark corners of my brain, instead of the ones full of acceptance and encouragement?

Maybe it’s Society that did it. You know: Society with its biases, with prejudices, with barriers, with problems and trends and ADD. It tells us that women over 40 are over. We aren’t sexy, or worth having children with because are old. Our semi-creased faces and bodies show experience; trauma, birth, illness, age, happiness, excitement. Society instead sells us on the sun kissed, unscarred faces and bodies of 20 year olds that have not experienced much of anything. Women in their 40’s, their personalities and lives have progressed. We now know what we want, what makes us tick, what we want to do, who we want to be with and we are doing it.

But here’s the real question: does it really matter? I’ve wondered, I’ve pondered, I’ve looked back, I’ve dug deep, I’ve explored. And maybe in the midst of all the wondering why, I’ve stayed in a place I didn’t need to be.

Yes, it’s good to know why you feel how you feel, and to discover where and how you chose the lens through which you see yourself and the world around you. If you can find the crack in your foundation that let your confidence leak away, you might be able to make it stop. Perhaps plug it up with your thumb? But you have to move at some point so you need to find a more permanent, stable solution.

Hurtful words and people aren’t going to be wiped from my memory.

Things I wanted, but failed to get, aren’t suddenly going to appear in my life by sheer force of will or by accident. Or maybe I’m yet to gain them still.

Mistakes I made are still going to carry consequences but perhaps they won’t be so bad.

People who don’t like me or enjoy my company aren’t going to suddenly change their minds. Or perhaps we’ll become friends later down the road.

The women who practice self-hate aren’t going to magically figure out that being different is what makes them wonderful to begin with, but maybe they’ll be easier on themselves.

The men who see me as a dress size instead of a person will continue to search for a girl who fits into the size 2 bikini but maybe they’ll expand their idea of what beauty is.

Perhaps Society will understand that DIFFERENT is Beautiful.. and encourage that.

I don’t know.

I will still wake up tomorrow morning with thick legs, a creased neck, wide hips, a big ass and scarred legs, or maybe I’ll stand taller with a twinkle in my eye excited over what the day will bring.

But I can’t put off accepting myself because something else will come up. It will. Really.

Someone will always be smarter, prettier, skinnier, younger, more confident, a better friend, a better daughter, a better wife, a better sister. There is no perfect in my future. There can’t be for I am not.

That’s why I have to decide I am enough right now, and I have to move on; continue to stumble along that path. There is no right answer, just acceptance.

I have to continue to live my beautiful, busy, friend filled life and if someone catches on to that then they can walk with me or walk away. I’ve always joked that I think I’m great, I’m just waiting for the world to catch on.. Next time I say it I need to mean it.

Conversations with my Friends: Panties vs. Bras

2011-11-21T18:35:00.001-06:00

Paul: If it’s ok, I’ll leave my anime books in your library..ok?

Me: OK, but what happens if I die or something?

Paul: Then I'm sure I can have a conversation with your Ma about taking some of my books and maybe your underwear..

Me: What?! What the hell?

Paul: Well, just the panties, they can have the bras; you've always been bigger in that area than me anyways....

Me: Ummm, ok, you’re walking down that path by yourself there, brother..

Songs and People, People and Songs

2011-10-24T16:38:00.013-05:00

A friend of mine posed a question on Facebook about what songs roll through ones head on a given day. I always associate people with songs and songs with people based on a situation that stuck in my mind, a place we were or event we attended... With some it's been a song that was playing when I "felt" something for them, whether that be love, friendship, admiration.

Kelly- Taylor Swift’s “Love Story”

Kelly is my best friend. She and I have this habit of singing in the car together. Singing silly little songs at the top of our lungs! It's usually to this song. She likes Taylor Swift..a lot...

Leni- Steel Panther’s “Community Property”.

Leni is my friend, mentor, "guitar-daddy" and Platonic B-friend. He called me at work and decided to sing the first set of lyrics to me. I laughed so hard, I think I might have peed my pants a little. Did I mention I work in HR? Listen to the lyrics and you'll know what I mean..

Paul- David Gray’s “Babylon”.

Paul is one of my best friends and ex-bfriend. When I was sick 6 years ago he and I had a conversation about dying. He said if he ever passed away, to listen to this song and it would sum up how he felt about me and I should feel about myself. It struck me as extremely sad and profound since he usually doesn't get that deep with me about things. When I hear it, I automatically think of he and I sitting in the hospital having this conversation.

Danny- Colbie Caillat’s “Falling For You” and Hall and Oates “Sara Smile”
I remember when I had, what I call a "moment". A moment where I feel complete and utter happiness. That I feel that life really couldn't any better than this. Danny and I were in the car, talking, having coffee on a breezy summer evening and "Falling For You" was playing. I touched his knee and said "moment". He just looked at me funny.

One of Danny's first shows was at The Terminal. He decided to sing this song and in "rock style" slung his arm over the mic stand, closed his eyes and sang "Sara Smile" so soulfully and with so much meaning . I think I sat there with my mouth open the entire time. It was another "moment"; one of admiration. I wish I would have filmed it, it was a good moment .

Ryan- Lady Gaga’s “Bad Romance”.
My brother has a pretty dry sense of humor for the most part. So at Major's in Apple Valley the New Year's of 2009 we were all standing around drinking and this song came on. My brother looked over at my friend and I and started mouthing the words while making odd faces at us; straight faced, no laughing. It made me laugh and I just think of him when I hear this song.

Matt and Lindsay- LMAO’s “Sexy and I Know It”.
I was out with Lindsay and some of our friends when she mentioned this song that had the phrase "Wiggle, Wiggle,Wiggle, Wiggle, Wiggle, Hey!" in it. It made me laugh then her husband Matt was talking about the song and how funny it was. I finally saw the video when he posted it and now I think of them both when I hear the song. The wiggle parts crack me up.

Andy Newton- The Cure’s “Just Like Heaven”
Andy and his band "Red on Red" play this song at their shows. He usually plays this song with his sunglasses on and reminds me a little of Robert Smith when he plays it. It's a good song for him to sing too.

Rich Rustad- Kiss’s “Lick it Up”
Rich and I grew up together. He and our friends would head bang to this song at our high school dances. I banged my head so much at one point I couldn't move my neck for almost 2 days.

Myself- Fleetwood Mac’s “Dreams”
I love Fleetwood Mac and Stevie Nicks. Some say that when I was younger, I sorta looked like her... You be the judge.

Lisa- Five for Fighting’s “What Kind of World Do You Want”
My girlfriend Lisa wanted to get married and have a family. She met and married her husband last year and they are expecting their first baby in December. They are the best people I know and give me hope that life can happen in the blink of an eye.

Winterpalooza Girls: Pink’s “So What?”
This song reminds me of the fun filled, boat lounging, druuunk, naked swimming in a cold lake, "let's go sledding", dance line dancing, times at the cabin in Cross Lake...

Circulation Issues...

2011-10-18T14:09:00.000-05:00

As I’ve gotten older I have noticed the circulation in my legs and feet had dissipated. I could literally put out cigarettes out with my feet and not feel it. A couple of years ago I had noticed that my right knee started “snapping”, “crunching” and the inside of it got bigger. My feet started to hurt no matter what shoes I wore. I figured it was because I’d gone from big, to bigger, then small to a bit bigger in 5 years. Maybe because I’m on my feet quite a bit or all the running I do.

In 2008 I decided to start training for a marathon. I ran 5.5 miles that day, got dressed and went to work. As I was working I felt a snap in my groin, then felt soreness, then pain by the end of the night. When I went home I noticed a bruise and swelling the size of a golf ball on my groin. It subsided after a couple of days but this kept happening every time I started to push myself. A bruise would show up on the inside of my knee, on my right hamstring, my calf, and again on my groin. So I gave up marathon training and just worked out. I’ve never had an issue with stamina. I have plenty and then some, but my legs have always been fine for the first several miles then get “sluggish” and I would really have to push to get to 5-6 miles. I just did it and didn’t think anything of it.

Right leg (around knee) noticeabley bigger.

About a year ago, I noticed that the inside of my right knee had gotten bigger; my right leg was becoming painful and there was swelling in my knee and ankle. Vein issues and circulatory problems run in my family so I had it checked out. I had a couple of veins that were “leaking” into my knee and ankle and some weren’t working at all. This surprised me since I’d had several veins removed/closed in 2003, and in 2007. Apparently the surgery I had in 2007 took to the left leg but not on my right. They “say” it was probably due to the fact that I started working out too soon (hours after surgery) which caused the procedure to fail.

So I had my “bigger” surgery a month ago, had the ultra sound last Friday (looked good) the second surgery (yesterday) and ultra sound next week, and then third part in November before I’m finally done.

Results of first surgery

The first “bigger” surgery consisted of “spot cutting” my leg and cutting 1”- ½” holes to pull out the vein, cut it and put it back in then a cut in around the inside of my knee to drain the pooled blood and cut the vein there, before doing the same to my ankle. I end up with a series of shallow cuts and 20 1”- ½” holes in my leg. No stitches so it will heal up without any scarring.

The second part is the “kill” the veins in the back of my thigh and knee. We found a couple of veins from the back of my leg are moving to the sides of my knee so they made a few shallow cuts, put a needle into the veins and filled them with a fluid that kills them to be absorbed by the body. I end up with a 6“ shallow cut, and 3 holes at the back of my leg.

The third part is doing the same as the second but from the back of my knee to my heel. By the summer my leg should be of a normal size and all cuts, holes and swelling should be gone.

Then I start the second and third surgeries on my left, since the “bigger” surgery had taken in that leg back in 2007.

All of this is great and I will look a bit more normal (legs won’t be as big as they currently are) but unfortunately I have to have this done every 3-4 years because it’s in my family. You might be asking what the consequences are if I don’t do this. Well, less blood to my heart and eventually to my brain, pain and throbbing in my legs and feet; which is horrible by the way.

2 1/2 weeks after first surgery

Now that I’m halfway through the process it’s odd to feel the blood surging through areas that were before semi-numb. My feet don’t swell and don’t hurt as much. My knee is 4” smaller and is almost the same size as my left. My recovery time between each surgery is faster and quicker. The Dr. mentioned that according to the results of the ultrasound 4 weeks’ worth of healing looked like 5 months. The bruising under the skin was practically gone and the dead vein about 50% absorbed. (Super healing powers activate!)

Yeah, getting old sucks..but there it is.

Kami-O-isms....

2011-10-11T16:56:00.002-05:00

I randomly come up with odd and wierd sayings when I become flustered.. Some days the dumbest shit comes out and apparently Paul has been keeping track.. Here are a few gems..

"Aren't you due back at the lab to have your bolts tightened?"..(When someone yelled at me.)

"I’ll smack your face and punch you in the junk!" (when feeling threatened.)

Paul: " we're a little weird ."
My reply: "Speak for yourself brother... I'm not following you into that cave!"

"Hello... this is Traaavis..." (randomly answering a phone.)

"This is why I hate people.." (explaining why crowds irritate me.)

"I hear you cluckin' big chicken" (Said around my friend Rich)

"No, it's poop - with raisins and corn in it..." (usually said when someone asks me "are you sure..?")

"That shit is not that funny... and it's dishonest!" (describing what someone did.)

The Corn Cobbler (like the hamburgler)

"what the hell... this isn't mine.." (I was talking about a booger that stuck to me in the elevator)

"shit isn't mine, I returned it!"

" Lovesded you more, you're stupid, Shut up." (When my friends tell me they love me)

"Twinkle, Dinkle and Merrywinkle..." (The three fairies in the "other" kingdom in Sleeping Beauty).

"His boots don't lie!" (referring to Superman)

"Jon, Jon Vader... Darth's younger brother.." (randomly used in a political discussion.)

Conversations with my Friends: A Salamander named Frank

2011-10-11T16:40:00.000-05:00

Paul: Hey, I care about you a lot you know?

K: Ooook, that was random..

Paul: No it wasn't. I tell you that all the time. I'm thanking you. When I look at the "Alice in Wonderland" snow globe you gave me years ago.. it makes me happy.

K: Yeah, cuz your 4...

Paul: (laughing) no... no..

K: Yeah, you’re fucking 4. See, fish in a bowl makes a 4 year old happy when he looks at it too.. I have a point, just saying. (laughing)

Paul: Hey, no need to be mean..(laughing)

K: Not being mean, it's true.. Colored fish in a bowl.. makes a lot of people happy, especially 4 year olds. (laughing)

Paul: Hey, I'm gonna put reptiles in your boudoir..

K: No, I don't like those very much....howeverrr, you could get me a salamander so I can name it Frank!

Paul: What? (hysterically laughing) umm, that was random...

9/11 Dedication

2011-09-08T10:45:00.000-05:00

My name is Anthony Tempesta and my life ended on the 105th floor of World Trade Center on this very day 8 years ago, this day is also my daughter Amanda's birthday. Today she will be 17 years old.

On the morning of my death I spoke to my daughter and wished her a happy birthday, she turned 7. I also spoke to my wife after she had dropped our daughter off at school. She was teasing me for not being available when she called because she'd had a bit of a scare that morning. The front door was open when she woke up and I was able to calm her as she searched the house. This was the last conversation I'd have with her.

My mother worked at the same company and floor as I did. She was able to survive the attack because she wasn't due to come into work until 9 am. Unfortunately she witnessed the attack from a ferry while coming into work that day. She became hysterical and had to be dragged away from the scene. I can only imagine how she felt when she saw the tower collapse knowing I was in it, and for that I am sorry.

Anthony Tempesta is survived by his wife, the former Ana Maria Dias, and his daughter, Amanda, his 10-year-old son, Matthew Anthony; his mother, Dorothy; and his brothers, Clifford and Michael.

God Bless America! Never Let Their Lives Be Forgotten!

Join the 2,996 Project-Honor those who died for our freedom!

Off the Radar

2011-09-08T10:09:00.000-05:00

So I’m going off the radar for a bit.. Couple of things I have coming up and have to deal with..

Best Buy: Something coming up that’s very good and will finally qualify me and pay me for what I’m actually doing for my dept. Been working my tucass off to get this, so hopefully it gets approved! Then I can finally be a grown up!

Airport: Moving to another store now that mine’s closed. The hours aren’t great so I won’t be going out as much, however on the positive I will have M-Th off to concentrate on fitness and music.. If you’re wondering where I’m going to be practicing, it will be where it all started; Normandale.

Music: Got some stuff written and plan on hashing it out on the piano and skins.. So, Danny I’ll be needing your help.. to add bass, guitar and mixing..

Fitness: I’m having leg surgery so I’ll be focusing on my circulation, feeling in my legs and running. Planning on coordinating the airport job hours and recovery on getting back into shape. That will include the eating part; the hardest part..  So hopefully it will work out.. I’ll have more time to run, lift AND make my food at home. I might either go back to Normandale or Concordia to take a class on body building like I did when I was a sophomore. I did it over the summer, got a grade for it and at the end of the trimester I was in great shape.

Dating: Taking off the focus, going on hiatus indefinitely.. Thinking of taking some classes in regard to singlehood, dating and the like. Sort of come to realize that I’ve really been out of the loop and not dealing with things as well as I should, like catering to MY needs and not someone else’s.

School: 3 classes, a lot of postponements but starting in October with Statistics.. Not my best, nor favorite class. Then onto Communications and finally Music (I know, right?).. then I get my “smart” papers..

So if you need me I’ll be working, running and writing.. and gaining some headspace..

I'll be playing this a lot..

LOVE.. It's out there...

2011-09-06T14:20:00.000-05:00

AMEN!

ad nauseam

2011-09-06T14:16:00.001-05:00

I was watching “The Adjustment Bureau” last night and starting thinking about chemistry. That connection. That fit. That match. Whatever you want to call it, it’s so hard to describe and virtually impossible to define. That moment when you meet someone and something sparks. You can feel the beginnings of something. The conversation flows, it’s witty and flirty, and you can feel something buzzing like fireflies between you both.…then…. before it gets out of the gate……it’s gone... So elusive and yet, at least in my experience, rare that it works out past that. It just seems no one wants to get to know anyone anymore.

I spend way too much time on guys who simply aren’t right for me. I know I’ve talked about it ad nauseam so I won’t go into it again, but I’ve been working on it and plan on working harder at “self control”, being more patient (instead of when I want it, I go after it) and if it’s not right letting it go. I need to get back to a place where I can find some comfort in who I am, what I look like and what I want. I’m not perfect. I fuck up (A LOT) and make mistakes. I’m human. It’s a work in progress. But I’m changing. Trying not to be so forgiving, not putting myself “out there” so much, letting go when it’s doesn’t work out and not compromising what I want and don't want. I just want to meet someone and feel that it’s gonna go somewhere other than the bedroom. I want to feel excited about seeing someone, spending time with them.. Sometimes I think I’m too picky. I don’t really have a checklist, I don’t have ridiculous standards. It’s not that he has to know how to ballroom dance (that’d be cool though). My only 2 requirements are humor and I have to be attracted to them, which could be anything. What I’m picky about is how it feels. How does he make me feel? What kind of a person am I around him? Does he make me a better person? How does he feel about it? Does he make me up the ante without changing me?

I think ultimately though, we all need to be picky. It should feel good. It should be exciting in the beginning. It should be fun. I know I’ll be excited about someone again, even though in my head it seems impossible to imagine right now. I know it’ll come, I have to be patient. So, I will live my wonderful life. Fill it with other things (friends, music, family) and hope that along the way I’ll happen upon that spark, and hopefully it will make it out of the gate...

And a River Runs Through It...

2011-08-23T14:14:00.002-05:00

I was watching this movie the other day, and became very sad desiring the days of when I was little on the farms I lived on and being out in the woods running around. The trees seemed to go on forever. The streams and creeks I used to wade in with my dog. Because we lived away from people how idealic and sometimes lonely it was. How I would go out into the fields and lay on top of the big hay bales with my dog and gaze down at the creek below. It was there I learned to fish and skip stones. My brother and I would hide in the woods in the back of our farmhouse, using a slingshot to stun rabbits and squirrels. Using pine needles to string together leaves to make curtains in an empty corn silo. We would rescue baby birds that had fallen out of their nests, climb trees as high as we could go and look out over the fields. I’d pick and eat wild chokecherries and boysenberries that grew on the fence near the cornfields. Play hide and seek in the barn with my brother. Catching garter snakes in weed fields, watching fish in the creek, riding my bike down empty dirt roads, watching my dog chase the tons of cats we had, picking up stray and wild animals to bring home to my mother. Collecting bugs and butterflies in jars, walking into dark fields of nightflies, coming home at dusk covered in dirt, mud and ticks. ~sigh~ Simpler times before what I knew what hurt was. Being out in the country I’ve always described as being like a religious experience, for you spend so much time being in touch with your soul.

The Hamster Incident

2011-08-19T16:41:00.000-05:00

I think I was either in Kindergarten or First Grade that my class had a hamster that we all took care of. Now you have to realize that as a child I grew up on farms, in wooded areas etc. I had cats, a dog, saw a ton of wildlife but had no idea what a hamster was or how to take care of one. So, as a 6 year old of course I was a bit curious.

I knew that each kid in my class had to take a turn taking care of the class hamster, it finally was my turn. I was told by my teacher that I needed to change out the cage, water and feed the thing. For whatever reason I didn’t remember or wasn’t shown how to take care of it, so I didn’t know. Granted, I’ve never seen one of these things so I really wasn’t interested in touching it, or holding it for that matter. I didn’t know what to do, so I threw in some food and filled the entire cage up with water. (It was a plastic cage) I could see the hamster inside swimming around which I thought was sort of neat. I was aware enough to not fill the thing up to the top, so the hamster could breathe and all. I told my teacher that I was done and I thought she was going to have a stroke. I remember being surprised when she yelled at me for practically killing the thing, and told me I did it wrong. I don’t remember what she said or how she said it but as a 6 yr old it made me feel stupid and embarrassed. I do remember trying to tell her that I didn’t know what to do, nor did I know what a hamster was, so I wasn’t sure HOW to take care of it. I remember the other little kids looking at me and laughing which added to the embarrassment. My teacher dumped out the cage, dried everything off, including the hamster and had some other kid in my class change out the shavings, feed and water it properly while I was told to watch. I remember my teacher telling me that she was going to inform my parents, which didn’t concern me much, like I said I’d never seen one. That was the same thing my mother told her. I remember my mother having the conversation with my father about how stupid my teacher was to assume that a 6 yr old would know how to take care of or know WHAT a hamster was.

I can’t believe at 41 I still remember that story, still makes me laugh.

Promiscuous Girl

2011-08-19T15:55:00.001-05:00

I had a guy friend tell me the other day that I’m not ready to be in a relationship, for I seem to be preoccupied with “fucking everything”. I instantly was pissed off. I’m sure without knowing me (perhaps knowing me as well) you would assume since I talk about the encounters I have that I am a promiscuous person, for the record I am not. I date a lot (enough for a 41 yr old) but I do not sleep with every one of them. Do I have “lovers”? Sure, on occasion; rare occasion. I had one; the same one for 2 yrs; Christian. He was a person I briefly dated in 2007, and we made a “deal” in 2009 to casually hook up on occasion. We broke it off when he acquired a g-friend and I started dating someone.

I was in-love with “The Dude” for about 2 yrs. He did not want a relationship with me. I made a horribly bad decision to have casual sex with him in hopes of winning his favor. After a year we mutually decided that it wasn’t working out so we dropped it. I briefly dated Dave, a friend of my family. We agreed to be committed before anything “happened”; he got scared and bailed on me. There have been guys who have wanted to be my casual sex partner or guys I’ve liked in between but have not had sex with them. I do not think that any of these situations makes me slutty, a whore, or defines me as “fucking everything”.

I’ve been single for 9 years. I’m not ugly, stupid or dead. With the exception of Christian, I wanted to be in a relationship with these men. I cared for them and in some instances, was very much in love with them. If I am guilty of anything, it’s of making poor decisions on my own behalf. Sex is not a way to win over a guy I know but sometimes I will make compromises to just simply be a lover or friend for whatever reason. Does this mean I’m insecure? Nope, at least not anymore than the average 40-ish woman out there. I have body issues like other women and I might not be the hottest chick out there, but I'm smart, a good person, educated and have a really great, full life with great family and friends. I won’t tolerate being treated me poorly; if they do, I walk away. The case is usually they are sweet, nice, treat me well and the “encounters” are always good so that makes it difficult and is always my crutch.

With that being said, it pisses me off that women are deemed sluts and whores when they have casual sex, for if it were a guy it would be no big deal. It would be expected that they should be having sex with less consideration, respect, and play games while treating women like shit. I do understand not all men are like this, there are, as always, exceptions to the rule. I’m tired of reading bullshit about how a guy doesn’t want a woman who has casual sex, or who sleep with them too quickly etc.. WOMEN don’t want guys who are like that either! I figure if a guy is all over you by the second or third date he’s not interested in you anyways. It works both ways! I’m tired of all the burden and labels always being put on the woman, the same rules and labels should apply for men as well. I know I certainly have no trust or respect for a guy who needs to sleep with me and 2-3 other girls. Frankly in my opinion if a guy can have casual sex on a regular basis with a woman, it’s not that much of a stretch to be in a relationship with her. I, myself don’t need to spend every day with the guy I’m with; I’m too busy for that. I usually have conversations with the guys I'm with, we hang out, I usually know some of their friends etc. Not much different. Guys, we want you to like us and sometimes we are willing to compromise ourselves at the altar of potential relationships to get your attention. Does it work? Not usually.

Point being here is that neither I nor women like me should be judged for doing the same things men do when it comes to sex and relationships. I think men need to understand that for the most part women are the emotional ones between the two genders; yes there are women that screw around and are assholes just like men, absolutely, but there are also nice women out there to who do not need the baggage of being judged for their sexual prowess. Dating is hard enough on its own.

Too Much to Handle

2011-08-17T16:03:00.003-05:00

When I was a kid I used to spend a lot of time laying in grass in my backyard worrying about how would the electric company know where I lived? How would I get the “basic” stuff connected? What kind of job I would have if I couldn’t be a musician or an Astronaut? How many degrees I would have, because it pissed me off that prisoners could get educations (yes, I did think about those things). I was never one of those kids who could just sit and enjoy the NOW; the warm sun on cool, crisp grass, my dog curled up next to me, the ants crawling on my toes and the smell of chlorine from our family pool. I’ve always had to be moving. Once I bought my first car and got my first job, I’ve been moving. My folks would even enroll me in summer school because I’d get so bored over summer break. My mother told me once that doctors told her I was hyper and wanted to put me on drugs. She said absolutely not, it would dampen my developing personality. To which I’m glad. I think I’ve driven her nuts ever since.

I’ve been working 2 jobs for about 4 years now and started school again about 14 months ago. At many points in my life I've worked more than one job, sometimes out of necessity and sometimes out of pleasure. (whispery) I’m tired….very, very tired. As a very lovely, blued-eyed boy told me “It’s not forever...” I know, but I’m tired. Tired to the point that when I take time off it’s not to sit around, eat Cheetos and watch bad TV, it’s cleaning, arranging (mentally and physically), grocery shopping. I’m always on the move and I have zero time for me or to concentrate on the important stuff. My debt and bills are always late along with everything else. Friends in my “inner circle” have begged me to slow down, for it looks like I may hit a wall with how fast things move. I’ve made extremely, compromisingly bad decisions that have affected me emotionally and mentally that when I have “alone time” it starts to seep into my brain and wreaks havoc. I don’t have time to take care of the things I need to and I’ve gotten extremely frustrated over birthdays I’ve missed, friends I’ve neglected to see and the large amounts of shit I’ve been putting up with. I can’t do the things I’d like to do and I’ve stretched myself thin.

At this point I haven’t been caring much about anything. It came to a head this morning at the gas station when I tried to get gas and forgot that I have had a negative balance for the past few days. This isn’t something I have had happen before, I did find a solution to the issue but in the moment I was running late, was heading up a meeting I wasn’t prepared for, my PC is on the fritz, my dating life sucks, and a friend of mine was needing me for something; I lost it. Once the card was declined I threw my purse at the car and cursed my plight to the air while jumping around like a freaking lunatic. To ease the fear of the alarmed strangers around I laughed and stated my reaction was due to lack of coffee. Not the most adult way to handle things I know, but there it is.

As a resolve one of my friends has volunteered to help me in the next couple of months with my finances and get them back on track again. I’m working out a plan for both jobs to increase my income and worth, another friend has volunteered to keep me in “health” mode by whipping me up healthy “grab n’ go” meals to cut down on my constantly buying meals at work. I have cut off ties with Christian permanently (I did that months ago actually) for he’s becoming too much of burden (it was his idea to be honest). I’m having to painfully tell certain people that I can’t always be there and do things for them; I simply can’t anymore for if I’m constantly thinking of others, who is thinking of me? The answer to that Sportsfans is.. no one.

Yeah, yeah, I hear you saying “blah, blah poor Kami-O..” Hey I’m not complaining, I am very fortunate for all the things I have but it’s getting to the point where I might lose everything if I don’t get it together and I’ve reached a point that I’m so far down in a hole I can’t get out even with 2 shovels. I am very grateful to my inner circle of friends that help me when I need it but the down side is that they see me in a light that most don’t, the weak light. The weak, sobby, running-a-mile-a- mile-a minute, needy Kami-O that on the outside looks neatly put together and under control but is really hanging on by a tampon string. I’m sure most people go through this, it’s not that I have before, I just have a full plate and need to eliminate a few things from it. I’m sure once I’m fully done with school and (hopefully) get a better position, things will be fine. Things always end up working out, perhaps not the way I want but they will.

Not to be all and ever consuming here.. but I wanted to give a shout out to my girl (part of my Army of Bitches) Tracee, who recently got engaged!! WHOOO!!! Traceepalooza here we come!

The Art of Being Friends with Your Ex…

2011-07-19T12:53:00.000-05:00

So it’s been 9 years since my 10 year relationship with Paul dissolved. Now, we didn't break up because we hated each other or because someone did something to upset the other. We broke up because we just weren't able to maintain our relationship with out bickering and the foundation to which we had built our relationship (marriage and children) changed. Although we both loved (still love) each other it was mutually decided, for the best that we dissolve our relationship but remain the friends we were prior to being involved. With that being said I’d known Paul a little when we were in junior high, we became friends when we were 23 and actually got involved when we were in our late twenties. We simply have a “connection” which is why we got together in the first place and spending all that time in each other’s “hip pocket”, there is a fluidity and protectiveness that takes place between us. Does that mean we should be together; no.

When Paul and I broke up, we immediately talked about who would take over our apartment and how our things should be divided up. We are both fairly selfless people so in dividing up our things, we were fighting over who got what, Me wanting him to have everything and vice versa. We decided, after heavy debate that he got what he came into the relationship with and anything that we purchased together, I kept. We both decided that he should leave in the morning as not to “drag” things out for we both needed time to make sure that this was the proper path for both of us. He disappeared to a remote cabin out of state and I stayed in our apartment getting used to living alone. After about a week of both of us sobbing our eyes out, Paul came back to the apartment and moved out his things. He assured me that this was the best thing for both of us and we should both be looking forward to what lies ahead. I’m a very negative person when it comes to stuff like this so at this time I couldn’t possibly imagine I’d love another person on the planet but him.

The thought of Paul being out in the world without me was horrible for me to think about, but to think of him dating another girl was like a knife to the chest. Every time I’d think about it would send me into tears. I started asking him if he was dating someone, then ask who was calling him so late or texting him when he was with me. I even tried to seduce him sexually, which he politely told me simply was not going to happen. So, he resolved as to not to ever tell me for risk of hurting my feelings. I’d say it took me a good year and half to finally get over the fact that he was dating other people and we would not be getting back together-ever. I tried jumping into the dating scene right away and force myself to get involved but it didn’t work, not for a while.

Now, I talk to him about the guys I date, my issues and problems. He checks in on me every night just in case something happens. I call him if I get into any kind of trouble and he always helps me; always. Granted we still bicker…a lot and even hang up on each other if it gets too heavy, but we know that at the end of the day we are family, we will always end up forgiving each other and talk in the morning when tempers have simmered some.

I have this type of relationship with almost every boyfriend I’ve had. It takes more time with some than with others depending on what the break up was over. What I’ve discovered in each of them is that I needed to get back to what I liked about them in the first place; they were all great men and great friends first. All of them. Most of them weren’t great b-friends, but that doesn’t make them shitty people. Does this mean that I’m still attracted to them and them to me? I can’t speak on behalf of anyone but myself, but my answer is no. For me, when it’s over, it’s over. There is no casual sex, serious flirting, attraction or anything of the like. In some cases, a break up had to happen so they could be with other people and have what they wanted, whether that meant marriage, children, or simply a better partner than myself. I understand that and can step aside to let that happen.

Point here is you can’t make an ex be friends with you, it has to happen and be desirable to both parties. You can’t have any hidden agendas for all of that will come out eventually. Is there some secret, some method to becoming friends with your Ex again, to that I can simply say , no. You both need to want it and work to make sure there are no slip ups, jealousy issues etc . You also have to set aside your feelings and think of the other person and their happiness, whether it is with or without you, which is also very difficult to do. When a break up happens you need space, that means not seeing each other. You didn't see each other all the time when you were friends, and you have to lend the same mentality to this situation.

Army of Bitches!

2011-07-14T16:45:00.002-05:00

That's right I have an Army of Bitches that I have to
lean on. When I'm feeling down or even happy, I gather my "army of bitches" to stir up some trouble..
If you ever see me with any of these ladies, watch out, some shit is to be had..

My troops..

Sergeant Kat

Code Name: Katmonster or Katastrophe

She's the one who will tell me straight up (insert name here) was a loser/ugly/not worthy of me. She gives me tough love when I find myself "slipping" and gathering an ego (judging, acting out). She kicks my ass when I need it kicked and keeps me in check.

Chaplain Lindsay
Code Name: LC

She says profound and spiritual things. She has the ability to guide me to my "logical" place with her wisdom when I'm falling off the deep end. She reminds me that there are worse things out here than I’m dealing with, or thinking about.

Private Kelly
Code Name: K2 (I'm K1)

Private Kelly is (maybe) my biggest defense against Douchebags. She lets me go off on anyone and be Judger Mc Judgerton, won't offer a lot of advice, but gives me a lot of sympathy. And as a result, I end up working through a lot of crap just by talking her ear off eternally.. She understands the 12 yr old in me, because she’s got kids of her own.

Foot Soldiers aka My Girls:

All my girlfriends. They are at my back, will "kill" if asked, are my secret, covert spies and seem to always keep me informed and vice versa! I love them all!

thanks ladies...! XOXO

Talking Bout my Generation

2011-07-12T16:06:00.001-05:00

I’ve always felt very fortunate that I was born in the year/generation that I was born in. I’ve gotten to see many things evolve in my 41 years and feel grateful that science, technology, music and such, have come a long way.

I have lived in a generation that never knew what HIV or AIDS meant until it hit us in about 1987. The likes of many favorite entertainment icons such as Freddie Mercury, Keith Haring, Gia Carangi and Rock Hudson were infected and died. More tragically was how we got to see the deaths of several million while the creation of medication to prolong the life of an infected person came into being. We also learned at this time that gay individuals and drug users were not the cause of the virus nor did it originate from them as originally rumored.

My generation got to see the end of the British invasion, the breakup of the Beatles, the shooting and untimely death of John Lennon at the hands of Mark- David Chapman, and also the death of George Harrison of cancer in 2001, closing the door on what would have been a well received, and hoped for reunion of the Beatles forever.

My generation was able to experience the music of the greatest musicians and poets of the century and death of them as well. The deaths of the 3 J’s (Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, and Jim Morrison), and Elvis Presley.

My generation has seen the coming and going of several musical genres. The beginnings of “Glam Rock/Glam Metal starting with the New York Dolls who would help open a the door for bands like Poison, Motley Crue, Def Leppard, Bon Jovi, Metallica, Queensryche and Iron Maiden.

We’ve seen the early creation of rap music with acts like Fab 5 Freddy, and Public Enemy, which in turn has now been refined into acts like 50 cent, Dr. Dre, Eminem and Kanye West.

We’ve seen Grunge music come and gladly go..

Gone is “Arena Rock” with acts like Boston, The Little River Band, Saga, Triumph, Van Halen.

We remember when concert tickets were $16. We could see 2 bands for that price and the ability to sleep over night at the venue for the tickets. To see a double concert like Britney Spears and Nicki Minaj today, tickets are a minimum of $50. plus and neither one plays an instrument, writes their own songs and most likely both lip synch parts if not all of their show. You can buy the tickets online, and gone are the days of sleeping at the venue. We also remember acts like Milli Vanilli who had their Grammy taken away because they lip synched ALL.. THE.. TIME.. No big deal now, right?

My generation remembers when “Super Model” also meant over size 4 and under size 10. We also remember it meant size 0 and not eating or getting out bed for less than $10,000 a day.

My Generation remembers when you had to wear your underwear under your cloths and remembers when it became acceptable to wear them as outerware.

My Generation was here before cell phones, and texting. Social networking meant going out for Happy Hour on a Friday night.

My generation remembers how our sense of security, (did we really have any in the first place?) was taken from us by watching a plane crash into a building.

My Generation has seen an actor become President, knows how he started “Reaganomics”, seen a body builder become an actor and then become the Governor of one of the most populated states in the nation.

We’ve seen disco music become new wave music, become pop music to recently become dance music.

My Generation has seen 8 tracks become cassette tapes. Remembers 45’s and 33’s and all of them become CD’s.

My Generation remembers when a CD cost $16. And the first computer cost around $3,000 and how CD’s have now made way for digital downloads which are $1 and laptops can be purchased for around $800.

My Generation has seen art and artists take a back seat to Actors and Models who are better known than most politicians. We also know what George Michael and Sen. Larry Craig have in common.

We’ve seen tunics and leggings recycle themselves from the 60’s to the 70’s, go neon in the 80’s and come back in the 2000’s.

My Generation had to attend school in person to graduate.

Musicians played, wrote and performed their music.. It wasn’t lip synched, over processed, over produced, voice bent and pre-recorded to millions. Rock stars were considered artists and poets who created new ways of “honing their instrument”. (Neil Peart, Eddie Van Halen, Steve Vai) Thank you Britney Spears, you officially suck!

We’ve been able to see technology expand beyond what we could have ever imagined. We’ve seen the cloning of an animal, the tap into nanotechnology, stem cell research which could allow us the ability to prevent certain genetic defects, illnesses and could prolong the quality of human life.

We’ve seen the trend of rotary phones, then push button turn into portable cell phones.

Cougars were a type of mountain lion.

My Generation could see a movie in a Theater for around $5. Now you can buy your favorite movie for $12.99 or download it to watch on a computer for $11/month all without having to leave your house.

Life...but in a Different Way

2011-07-06T19:36:00.001-05:00

“When you thought you’d be baking pie and living behind your very own white picket fence you’ll find yourself doing something so entirely different you couldn’t have even imagined it a year before. There will be moments when you’ll look around and not even recognize your own life…in a good way.

You’ll take a wrong turn and end up in an entirely different city than you intended. You’ll dial the wrong number and end up in love with an entirely different person than you intended.” ~ Kate Northrup

My life has NEVER gone the way I expected, but of course I’ve never really had any expectations and have usually flown by the seat of my pants. If anything, I've learned that I control nothing. I thought for sure I would have had married Paul because I’ve known him forever, but who would have guessed we’d split because we'd bicker..all..the..time. I had always wanted Erik to marry me, but he never really considered it, at least not seriously.

I DO know that when I started college I wanted to be a musician. I wanted to be in a rock n’ roll band, I realized that I didn’t have to be formally trained to do that, but I knew (figured more or less) that I was a girl and girl’s weren’t really accepted in the business of rock n’ roll, so I wanted to bring something valuable to the table. I wanted to be that triple threat, the girl who could write, play several instruments, knew theory and formulas to writing music and lyrics. I knew that studying classical music and jazz were the most difficult, that if I could do that I could easily write rock music and I was right. I wanted to be a musician, period. It took two and a half years to get the guts to pursue it. When I was in it, I never felt that I was good enough, so I never did much with it.

Because I am very intuitive, I can sometimes “see/feel” things coming down the road but am never sure what I am to do about it. I saw clearly each one of my breakups with Erik, Jimmy and Paul well before they happened. At the time I chose to ignore it, but inevitably, it happened anyway. It’s that voice in the back of my head saying “RUN!” and I chose not to. I heard it clearly when I was going to get married to Brent but again I ignored it for as long as I could before jumping out of that one. Sometimes it’s a word or “unshakeable feeling”. I had it happen when Danny went out of town for a gig and told him several hours before to “be careful and keep your stuff close to you.” He blew me off. He called to pick him and a friend up for someone had taken the keys to his car and they couldn’t get home. Still sitting in bed watching movies, a calm fell over me and in 15 minutes he called back saying the person, who had taken the keys, brought them back.

With this latest guy, I told a friend of mine that his name was in my head.. I even wrote it down in my journal, and then two weeks later I met him on a fluke. I wasn’t even supposed to be there, I was supposed to be at dinner with my g-friend and she cancelled. I didn’t want to stay home so I went out and there he was. It happened the same way with Danny. I kept thinking, and mentioned it to several friends that I needed to find an excuse to go into the Whiskey. Friends ended up playing there and sure enough, there was Danny behind the sound board.. I didn’t think much of it at the time.

I was laid off from a job in 2003 and on my birthday I received the call from US Bank wanting me to work for them. They had called 2 days earlier saying they'd given the position to someone else. I stayed for 5 years and was very happy there.

I always knew I’d have a house; I just wanted to have it in my early thirties as compared to mid-thirties. I knew I’d get my degree; I wanted it all done earlier. I never really saw myself as having children or married. I’ve always figured I’d be alone, doing my own thing, always. That has never changed. I always knew I’d be thin, going to fat and going back to “fairly” thin again. I had seen myself with really long hair, walking around the city in business clothes. I always saw myself as a person who worked out and worked up to be successful and all of that has happened. I have never seen myself being happy with a “normal” business guy with 3 kids, a mortgage, a dog and expensive car that gets shitty gas mileage. I could have had that and I’m sure in another timeline I’d be very happy or perhaps unhappy. Thing is that it didn’t happen. I’ve never craved those things. My life by and large is very fulfilling and wonderful. Yes, I have days that I can barely breathe because I'm sad, hurt or frustrated but I wouldn't have it any other way. I realize that I do complain (via this blog) about all the bad things, but there are many great and wonderful things that happen as well.

Point being here is that I think I’ve seen and am proof that all it takes is a turn around a corner or that unexpected turn up at a party for a chain of events to occur that could potentially change your life forever. (Meeting David at my sister-in-laws birthday party??) Believe it, it can happen!

“You’ll imagine the open road, country music playing loud, you singing at the top of your lungs, and flirting with a new man in every town. And then you’ll invite someone to come with you on a whim and realize driving around the country by yourself was a terrible idea anyway…and that its way more fun when you’re traveling with someone you love.

You won’t do it at the right time.

You’ll be late.

You’ll be early.

You’ll get re-routed.

You’ll get delayed.

You’ll change your mind.

You’ll change your heart.

It’s not going to turn out the way you thought it would.

It will be better.”

All We See Are All the Bad Things..

2011-07-06T15:48:00.006-05:00

I started to write a super long post but decided to save it as a draft and try again in a more concise fashion.

If you’ve been reading me you know that I’m still hurt and getting over this guy… I like him… period. I (of course) haven’t heard from him, I know now that he’s not interested in a relationship or dating me for that matter.

I knew that he and I wouldn’t end up together "forever" but I also don’t want to be a girl that only dates guys she sees living with in a big house, with 5 kids, a dog and white picket fence either! I’m attracted to him. If nothing else, I think he’d be fun to date on a regular basis. It seemed as if he wanted to try a bit at the beginning and now it’s a lost cause but for whatever reason I’m having a hard time of it. Most days I feel OK with it. Then I see him on T.V. or hear him on the radio, then I get pissed off all over again or overwhelmingly sad at why I really wasn’t given a fair shot. If he’s truly so damn busy, then why bother to pursue me in the first place? Logical question I think and a fair one too.

A good friend of mine told me to sit down and figure out why I like this one so much, so I did.

He’s formal: What I mean by that is he goes beyond the “opening of doors”, and “pulling out of chairs”, he lights my cigarettes, helps me with my shoes, takes my purse for me, makes me a drink the way I like, samples it and if it isn’t the way I like it, he corrects it until it is. He escorts me to my car, gathers my things for me in one place so I can grab and go (we both grab and go). He’s polite and well mannered. He says shit like “would you like a cigarette My Love?” and “little boy’s room”; both make me giggle, in a good and happy way. He asks me if I’ve eaten, or if I’m comfortable or cold. He asks if I would; like to come in, a drink, go in the other room and always allows me to go first into any space. If I have to use the bathroom, he waits for me-always. All are southern formalities that I love in a guy that I haven’t found really. My ex, Paul was/is formal, but not like this.

He’s a bit OCD: Sounds weird, but he likes his sinks free of water so he cleans the piss out of it, every time. I thought it odd at first but once in his house I got it. I’m like that with my own bathroom sink… I can’t handle hair in the sink, it stresses me out. Hard to explain if you aren’t a bit OCD yourself. I also don’t like hair on the bathroom floor. The “other” things I used to be really OCD about have gone out the door for the most part, deliberately, for it was driving me nuts and I didn’t have the time to acknowledge it every day. Realizing, I won’t die if there is cat hair on my comforter and I can deal with it tomorrow when I have time. It's cute, really it is.

He’s a nerd: He admitted that we both have that in common. He’s more of a nerd on the “straight from the 50’s” level and I’m a nerd over the fact that I like comics, video games, sci-fi and goth novels.

I feel some sort of “connection”. Without sounding desperate and creepy, it’s true. If it’s not in a relationship way then I’m not sure what. I’m drawn to places he’s been or goes to; it’s weird even for me. Without sounding like a complete nut bag, I can’t really explain it.

We have a lot of fun when we hang out together. I feel a lot of chemistry. There isn’t ever going to be anything between us. I think he has changed his mind about that, which is hurtful. He says I’m wonderful and interesting, wants to keep in contact and wants to get together again for sure, but doesn’t want a relationship. ~sigh~ That’s unfortunate. I think we’d be fun together.

Now, I know what you’re all thinking. You’re thinking I shouldn’t be pining for someone who’s not into me. You’re thinking that I deserve better and wondering why I am putting any thought into someone who isn't into it. And you’re right! I see that. But, just because I see it doesn’t mean I’m not pissed off about it too. I am. I’m also sad and frustrated! Why is it so hard to find?

Guys Looking for a Nice Girl... Is there Such a Thing?

2011-06-30T23:35:00.000-05:00

Yeah, thinking the latest Douchebag didn't like me because I wasn't "tough"enough.. Struck me sort of odd that he always seemed to like me all decked out, showing my tats and piercings, but always gave me shit about being the nice girl and doing the "right" thing.. Like it was expected that I go out "kill" someone..(we aren't including last weekends bar fight.. even though I'm pretty sure he would have liked that!)

What the hell? Are there "normal" dudes out there looking for a nice girl or do all of them want a chick who's gonna treat them like shit? I'm confused!!!

Wholly Shit Times 5

2011-06-27T15:22:00.001-05:00

Recap of my, umm, interesting weekend.

If you saw my Facebook page you know that when I went out with my g-friends on Friday night I got into a fight, with a guy. Granted I share this information only to state that there were 1,000 different ways to handle the situation but because I was hammered and lost my temper shit happened and I became violent. WRONG! This is something I’m not proud of, nor do I condone in anyway. I’m not happy I did what I did or said what I said in mixed company, however, this person was rude, completely out of line and no one else (including bouncers, police or other people) were willing to do anything, so I took it upon myself to draw a line in the sand and enforce it. This goes back to my “Words to Live By” of not letting anyone hurt you or the ones you love. Enuff said on this topic.

Saturday Night

This was the night of Lindsay’s party. Had a really good time with our mutual friends at the 508 club and Aqua’s VIP lounge. What's with the tiny chicks in super tight outfits and the fat girls int he super tight outfits? Can you wear something that fits properly please? Wholly crap! I felt underdressed wearing a tunic and jeans.

When were walking back I noticed our friend Janie and my brother disappeared. No biggie, they are both grown adults. I found the next morning my brother had gotten into a fight. Apparently a guy was hitting on Janie and my brother informed the Douchebag that she was married and not interested, the Douchebag sucker punched him and cut his chin, in turn my brother downed him. Wow, if anyone has seen my brother, he’s not one to trifle with. Surely. Again, not condoning the violence but wholly crap people?!

Sunday Night

Tried to get the 5 hours of sleep I missed out on the night before (Matt: “it must be 6:30a, are you kidding me!!!), worked and met the guys from Guitar Center at Burrito Loco for drinks out on the patio.

Hectic and busy weekend.. How was yours?

Meeting Wildstreet..

2011-06-21T12:58:00.001-05:00

Ok, a couple of years ago Kat and I went to see Hairball at Pickle Park.. This band came out and just killed their set. A few bars into their first song the guitar player mistook the stage and fell on 2 of my g-friends and I. At the end of the show he came over with their singer and apologized; his name was Ian McPherson aka Jonny Prynce. He was cool and a great guitar player, the name of his band was Dirty Penny. I became obsessed with their music.

That October the singer Matt aka Binge Daniels quit the band due to the hectic lifestyle and the band broke up. Not sure what happened to the rest of the band but Ian joined Wildstreet as their new guitarist. I kept getting stuff on FaceBook indicating that I should check out his new band;Wildstreet. I wasn’t interested.. Several months later I got another link about their new video called “Poison Kiss”. I watched it about 1,000 times and liked what I heard. I checked out the singer Eric Jayk and found out that he also plays guitar.. I thought his guitar playing was incredible! The man and the band are talented. I tweeted with Eric (? I think it was Eric) and found out that the band was playing at the Best Buy at MOA and at Pickle Park that same night. I HAD to go!

I emailed the marketing people and asked about it. They had no clue what I was talking about, then after further investigation it was store manager that was handling it. I contacted them and asked if I could help out. I was told just to come out. I went out to the Best Buy store at MOA and briefly saw Diemonds perform, and then the guys went on. It was their first acoustic show and they did great. I watched with promoter and friend John Weidman and noticed there wasn’t any signage indicating the band was playing. They were just set up near the large store windows, so you could hear and see them as you walked through the mall but that was it. They did a really good set and I left right after.

Flavio and I arrived around 9pm to Pickle Park and briefly saw Diemonds perform before the guys came on. Once the guys hit the stage it was awesome, they played all their hits then went side stage to sell their merch. Flavio and I got CD’s from the very thankful Mr. Eric Jayk and we continued to mingle with the crowd. I was then asked by John and friend David to sit in "reserved seating" with the band. I declined initially (I didn’t think I belonged there to be honest) then jumped up there to sit. I said hey to Ian and Ali and watched Eric grab his bag and head toward the door. I asked David if Eric was leaving for I wanted to get a picture taken with him if I could; only if he was ok with it, if not, I’d pass. David ran after him to ask and came back with the green light that Eric would be back to take a picture with me.

20 mins later Eric comes back and as he slides in the booth next to me I thank him profusely for coming back, having his picture taken with me and apologize for having him come back for such a silly thing. He didn’t respond… the pictures were taken, he sat and stared at me for a few minutes before he launched (it made me jump) himself to the other end of the booth. I looked at David, who shook his head and laughed. I whipped out my phone to text Flavio that I was leaving. I was so uncomfortable and convinced Eric was mad so I explained that I had to go. I was angry and hurt. To me this was like meeting my version of Hendrix and he fucked it up. I was asked not to go by David but I figured I was passed having a good time, so I stepped down and went home. John and David told me Eric wasn’t mad, but I really had no idea what the hell his reaction meant other than he was very unhappy about coming back.. I cried my eyeball’s out on the way home; disappointed, angry and tired. I figured fuck it, who cares.

Get the Funk Out!

2011-05-26T13:23:00.001-05:00

Ok, sorry there Sports fans, I was in a bit of a funk for about a week or so... Dating junk, graduation, finals, looking for another job, helping 2 friends find jobs, taking on more responsibility at work and not being able to run as often as I would like is making me very gloomy these days. Granted I thrive on stress, but I have little slots of time to get things done and my house is starting to fall apart a bit. Blinds need to be hung, my screen door needs to be fixed, my dinette and tables need to stripped and stained, the carpet needs to be cleaned... I could go on for days.. I have a line on a few things to be done over the long weekend AND a photo shoot is in order, not THAT photo shoot but some prep shots before I nestle down on who’s going to shoot them.. I think I want Jess but Danny is good to. I think Jess has a better understanding of what I want, so might go with her if she’s willing..

So, yes, I graduated from college, ceremonially not technically, not yet. Concordia holds graduation once a year and if you graduate within that year, you can attend. I have to say I was really glad I did it, it was a nice to give myself a bit of a hug for keeping at it for so long even though commemorating it with a soiree isn’t my style; I’m still glad I did it. The whole darn thing was funny anyway. I received my announcement card with my name on it and decided to make it easier to pronounce. So I erased Kami-O and put Kami on the card. So the card read Kami L. Betzina… When I handed the announcer my card and started to walk across the stage she announced “Camille Betzina”. I was mortified and rolled my eyes as the graduation photographer snapped a picture. I shook the Dean’s hand as he said “Congratulations Camille”.. “It’s Kami-O” I said. “Sorry” he replied. I heard nothing from my family and friends that came because those nerds were too busy laughing their heads off at the mistake. It took them a minute to figure out it was my name they were calling. The photographer said she’d only gotten a picture of me rolling my eyes so could she retake the picture? So as she snapped the picture I did my best Billy Idol impression with the devil horns, then was guided off stage to take more pictures. Once the whole thing was over, and I joined my friends and family first thing my Mother says was “ sorry we didn’t clap, they pronounced your name wrong..” I posed for a few pictures, said my thanks and goodbyes to best friends Kelly, Kat, baby Gavin, Danny, and grabbed g-ma Tonei to put her in the car. As I came back to return g-ma’s wheelchair I see Paul. He was practically crying he was so happy for me. We hugged, kissed each other hello and we walked arm and arm back to the car. As we were walking and talking, we talked about how long I’ve been working on this and how he’s been there for it all and how proud he was of me. We stood by the car, forehead to forehead talking when g-ma Tonei opens the car door and says “Umm, I’m assuming that this is your b-friend?” Paul and I laugh and look at each other. I explained that I’ve known Paul since I was a teen, we were together for 10 years and he was here to support and see me graduate. “Oh,” she says, “Never mind.” Paul got in the car and I drove him to his car across campus. He followed and drove us up to the door of Axel’s in St. Paul where my family and I were joined by Matt, Lindsay and Connor Campbell for drinks and lunch.

I got home around 4p and slept until 7p when Danny called me to go out with my boys from Guitar Center. We talked about graduation and the up and coming music projects we are all working on before I called it an early night, getting to bed around midnight.

So now that's done and settled, I have my final paper. My Business Case due on June 9th and then a class each in June (statistics), July (communications) and August (photography), then done. I’m planning at the end of August to spend some time with my Aunt in Seattle at her summer house with Kat. Of course there is WE Fest, Moondance Jam and TONS of shows and concerts to go to this summer for we all know I love outdoor concerts!

I’m hoping that with all of that going on I can find another position that makes more money so I can be a “big girl” and pay my mortgage and bills without struggling. I’m planning on taking a few long weekends here and there to fix up the house and open it up for the summer (parties and BBQ’s!). I’m having a good friend help me strip and stain my dinette and tables. I need to buy and install another ceiling fan and perhaps have those built in bookshelves I’ve been wanting built and installed. Sometime in the next year I plan on getting new carpet and will have hardwood floors installed on the third floor. I also plan on de-cluttering my library and repainting some of the rooms in the house due to the nicks and blemishes on the walls.

Decided that I need to take a 3 month break (yes, another one!) from dating. Met another guy that I liked and it didn’t work out-again. I completely communicated what I wanted and what I was looking for. He agreed so I thought we were on the same page, apparently not. I waited for over a month to see him and the effort that has been made on his part has been minimal. So I have gone back to my periodical flings with Christian and that is ok for now. Not happy with it, for I thought this new guy was absolutely delightful… ~sigh~ stoopid guys… When will I ever learn?

Closure

2011-05-24T12:31:00.000-05:00

Have you ever noticed how the weight of all the things you’ve never said can fill up the space between you and another? Whenever you’re around them, you can feel yourself suffocating on the unspoken? Drowning in all the things you’ve been holding back for so long? When it gets to that point it almost doesn’t feel worth it to talk about it or you just want to lash out and say everything you’ve been holding back. Make them understand how you feel. Years will have gone by and I’ve held it in. I can feel myself start to break, weaken a bit, tearing at the seams, until I can’t take it anymore. I act out..another tattoo, another piercing, all to look “tougher” on the outside, so no one could hurt me on the inside. Is that me? Yes, that’s me too.

When I get to that point, there is no right decision. Because, the truth is, I never should’ve let it get there in the first place. I should have told them, “this makes me sad, that’s hurtful”. Instead, I kept my mouth shut (a rare feat for me anyway) and choked on it. Every time I held my tongue and kept my feelings to myself, I gave them exactly what they wanted. That it was ok to hurt me, because they can, they were intimidated, or simply just scared. I was losing myself by staying. Losing myself by putting up with it. “Why would anyone do that?” I ask myself. That’s something I’ve never understood. I’ve never understood why people hurt others, just because.

So when I get to this point, I’ve decided to try to be honest, not live in my head, and not keep it to myself. I can’t be compatible with everyone and once I realize that it won’t hurt me to be honest and say how I feel or walk away if they become insulting. I shouldn’t have to…NO ONE should have to deal with that, it’s hurtful. I’ve thought so many times about what I’d say if it happened again, how angry I’d get, how I would ask; “Why are you doing this?” The weight of 8 years worth of words would be more than you could handle and I‘m reaching my breaking point.

I broke years ago. I walked into his house, with low, drawn out anger and obvious hurt. Telling him all the things I wanted to tell him for 2 years. How stupid and hurtful it was to walk away, with no explanation. I lashed out. Said hurtful things. He admitted it was difficult for him; he was afraid. Afraid to hurt, afraid to get too involved, afraid I’d leave, afraid I’d get sick again, afraid he couldn’t help me, afraid he couldn’t handle it. That helped me, gave me an answer, an explanation and I was ok with that. Sometimes there is no such thing as closure, and I need to accept that.

Why Do I Do This To Myself?

2011-05-23T17:23:00.005-05:00

I’m back with Christian, yep…again. I believe the last time I wrote about him was here...

I thought it was over for the most part for I don’t want to willingly help him cheat on anyone. I received 3 calls and 15 text messages on Mother’s Day, wanting to meet up that evening. I asked him if he was single and he indicated he was (I’m sure he’s lying, but can’t prove it) so I agreed to meet up with him.

That was 2 weeks ago and I have been with him 3 times since. I have discovered something about our little encounters; I need them. I need them to make myself feel better. Some people use food, exercise, or shopping therapy, I use Christian. I know he doesn’t care for me but he doesn’t hate me either, granted we don’t talk much and he does try to be more comforting and snuggly even though I protest. Every once in awhile I find him saying; “you know me well enough to know….”, which I have to remind him that I don’t know him at all. Granted he’s great for what we use each other for, it’s not mind blowing but it is what it is. I find it comforting that he’s available when I need him and we have a history together outside of our encounters. He’s only told me no one time in the 2 years we’ve been on this little adventure, that’s 2 less than me. I usually meet up with him when I get rejected again by some idiot. I know I can text Christian and within an hour he’s with me telling me how beautiful I am and that he couldn’t give up our “little encounters” even if he wanted to. Knowing this makes me feel better, stronger and gives me the ability to avoid getting myself into bad situations; to act out.

After our Mother’s Day meeting, I felt bad when he told me that the reason he and his g-friend broke up was because of his traveling and that he isn’t willing to give up our encounters. I guess maybe he needs them as much as I do. ???

This brings me to acknowledge the fact that previous to turning 40 I was never like this. “This” being, this insecure. I can’t seem to shake it, fall into it or be OK with it. I can’t shake the specter looming in the background that tells me I don’t have much time; time to be young, weigh the same, to feel good, to be alive. So I indulge in almost everything with fervor. It sometimes leaves me with a sense of hopelessness. Not having someone to comfort me as I age, to remember me when I’m gone and to pass on my stories sometimes paralyzes me. When I meet someone it always feels as if this is the last person I’m going to meet, which is obviously not the case. A sense of panic kicks in that wraps itself around me, constricting, and it squeezes the breath out of me. Christian doesn’t make me feel old, fat, rejected and 40. He’s the closest thing I’ve got to a partner and it comforts me to go bed at night knowing someone thinks of me even if it’s only for something as lame as sex. Our encounters don’t make me feel as if I need to hole up in my house and recover from another rejection, they make me feel….needed.

Pathetic I know… welcome to my mid-life crisis

50 Things Women Wish Men Knew About Us- Sort of..

2011-05-18T14:36:00.000-05:00

I think these things are funny and not always accurate, so I have added my own take on these funny questions..

What We Wish He Knew #1

When we have a problem all we REALLY want is for you to listen. Don’t try to fix it. The only thing we REALLY want to hear is that it will be okay. – Kami-O says: Yeah I agree, anda hug too

What We Wish He Knew #2

We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again – we really do like nice guys. In other words, don’t be an asshole. We really don’t like them and we never will. This goes for playing games too. Don’t even waste our time or yours. Kami-O says: Yeah, neither gender should be playing games, what are you, 4 yrs old?

What We Wish He Knew #3

Your pants should not be tighter than ours. Ever. Skinny jeans should be reserved for women, pre-pubescent males, and adult males who are still built like pre-pubescent boys only…and Steven Tyler. Kami-O says: yeahhhh

What We Wish He Knew #4

Do not emulate the sexual styles seen in porn. The "jackhammer" is probably the last thing in the world that will get us off. Moral of the story: don't believe everything you see in the movies. Kami-O says: yeah you can if you want to, but I’m guessing mine are better..

What We Wish He Knew #5

Be a gentleman!!!! That means pick us up on a date, come to our door, open the car door, hold open any/all doors, pull our seat out, pour our glass of wine first, etc. Prove to us that chivalry didn’t die with our parents’ generation. Kami-O says: YES!

What We Wish He Knew #6

We will be emotional sometimes. We can’t help it. It’s scientific so remember: this too shall pass… And then likely reoccur about a month later. Kami-O says: No kidding! BTW we hate this shit just as much as you do, TRUST me on this!

What We Wish He Knew #7

Make a plan! We like a man who takes charge. End of story. Kami-O says: As long as you aren’t sitting around everyday and picking your ass, I could care less if you had/have aspirations of being a rocket scientist.

What We Wish He Knew #8

Bad hygiene is a TOTAL turn-off. This includes: bad breath (carry altoids, gum, a toothbrush – we don’t care), dirty fingernails (sure bet we don’t let you touch us), BO (wear deodorant or cologne – just don’t overdo it), etc. We want to know you take care of yourself because it shows you’re capable of taking care us. Kami-O says: If I offer you a piece of gum, effing take it! It’s a hint!

What We Wish He Knew #9

You heard us, YES we want you to care about your appearance but not if it cuts into our mirror time. Taking longer than us to get ready is a turn-off. Owning more beauty products that us is a turn-off too. Sorry guys but you’re the man. We’re the arm candy. Don’t try to outshine us. And if you do, we most likely will think you’re gay. Kami-O says: I think this dumb comment set my gender back about a decade. I won’t make you wait for me if I don’t have to wait for you.

What We Wish He Knew #10

If you do something in the beginning… it WILL be expected later on. For instance, you call or text every day when we start seeing each other; you better believe we’ll still be expecting that daily phone call or text 6 months down the road. Don’t create a pattern you intend to break or expectations you won’t meet. Kami-O says: DON’T text me everyday.. I have things going on, like a job! I will expect to have a job going forward to, that won’t change.

What We Wish He Knew #11

Don't be fooled when we say we’re not looking for something serious or just want something casual. Most of us are lying. So spare yourself the drama and us the extra calories from the Ben & Jerry’s we’ll binge on and leave ASAP. Things will only get ugly. PS if we’re having sex you better run fast because we’re most likely emotionally attached now. You will inevitably hurt us even if you didn’t intend to. Kami-O says: In most cases this is true. You might as well come clean and tell us your intent so we can decide that what to do.

What We Wish He Knew #12

If you don’t want us to think you’re a dog. Don’t act like one. That means don’t hump our legs on the dance floor. And yes, your friends do say a lot about who you are. If they act like dogs, we’ll assume you all belong in the dog pound together. Kami-O says: I don’t even know where to go on this..

What We Wish He Knew #13

Boxer briefs are a good bet. Always. Kami-O says: Next to being nekkid, these are hott.

What We Wish He Knew #14

Don’t ever tell us we’re “crazy” or “overly emotional” or “over reacting”. If you do, be prepared to deal with how “crazy” we can really be. And yes, it’ll be all your fault! Kami-O says: Screw that, I’ll just get pissed and you won’t get laid..

What We Wish He Knew #15

We didn’t like frat boys when we were in college and now that we are older and wiser that has not made them anymore appealing. Kami-O says: Yep.. agreed

What We Wish He Knew #16

Compromising goes a long way. If we’re willing to sit through the game (and yes some of us may actually be into the sport/team) then we want you to “suffer” for our happiness too. Rom coms (aka romantic comedies) may not be your favorite but they’ll make us happy and you might even get some action when we get home. Kami-O says: I usually don’t do Rom Coms, or anything else that makes me cry or stab myself in the face with a pen.

What We Wish He Knew #17

Gifts don't always have to be fancy schmancy. Sometimes, a simple card that shows you didn't forget the occasion means more than anything materialistic. It’s not what you spend-- it’s the meaning behind it. Let us repeat: we really do love the little things you do for us! Kami-O says: Be simple, don’t forget birthdays, V-day and all the important “girl” holidays. Most girls don’t really want you get us random shit unless it’s shoes, jewelry or handbags..

What We Wish He Knew #18

Don't carry Trojan magnum condoms if your penis size does not warrant them... It will not make your penis appear larger. True story. Kami-O says: Don’t do this unless you want us to laugh.. Most girls carry their own condoms anyways. The smart ones do anyways!

What We Wish He Knew #19

We are not your “mom” when we ask you to please pick up the towels (insert any object here), do the dishes (replace with any activity here) or remind you to do something (substitute for anything). Do it the first time we ask and we won’t even remind you of her. Trust us, that’s the last thing we want to be. Kami-O says: How pick up your own shit so I don’t have to do it for the both of us?

What We Wish He Knew #20

Compliment us. Yes, you heard us right. Telling us we are pretty, hot, beautiful, etc will never do any harm for either party involved. Thanks in advance. Kami-O says: Telling us we’re hott or pretty will get you laid, incentive enough?

What We Wish He Knew #21

If you would like to see us in a certain outfit more, compliment us when we wear it. We will remember, guaranteed. This includes undergarments and PJs. But a little FYI, we don't always just get dressed up for you. We like to look good for ourselves too. Kami-O says: I accept requests on clothing!

What We Wish He Knew #22

Emotion is not a sign of weakness. You can be vulnerable around us. However, if you cry at Hallmark commercials, we’ll be very uncomfortable. No woman wants a wimpy “Danny” downer.
Kami-O says: I agree but don’t go overboard. If you don’t cry at your g-ma’s funeral, we’re gonna think you’re a serial killer

What We Wish He Knew #23

But remember communication goes a long way. If you’re having a bad day or upset about something TELL US. Women are nurturers by nature so if you need to vent or just need space let us know. You’ll be surprised by how understanding we can be but take it out on us -- and you’ll have another problem to add to your list. Kami-O says: If you’re having a shitty day let us know so we can back away… slowly!

What We Wish He Knew #24

We’ll often say that we don’t want something (ie: flowers, help moving, gifts, etc) but we’re just saying it so we don’t come off needy. In reality, all we want is a guy to be spontaneous and do things for us without us asking. We don’t like asking for things but yes, we do want them. Kami-O says: Agreed, I’m horrible with this. Just do it, don’t ask..

What We Wish He Knew #25

Laziness is a huge turnoff because we are always secretly assessing how you will do as a dad and if you are lazy that means we won’t have any help in the middle of the night during those first few months. Kami-O says: No shit! DO SOMETHING, anything!

What We Wish He Knew #26

Send flowers just because. “Just Because” flowers are way better than “I’m Sorry” flowers. It’s the little things that mean so much to us. Kami-O says: see #17

What We Wish He Knew #27

Remember we may forgive you but we most likely won’t forget. If you have to apologize, nothing says I’m sorry like a new pair of shoes or jewelry. Surprise us; we may forgive you faster.
Kami-O says: True dat!

What We Wish He Knew #28

When you ask us if something’s wrong and we say “nothing” you better believe it’s not nothing. There is something wrong. We’re just waiting for you to figure out what it is without us having to tell you.
Kami-O says: If she can’t tell you, let it be until she can. Why guess, that’s dumb!

What We Wish He Knew #29

Like #28 if you ask us what’s wrong and we say “we’re fine” start racking your brain for what could be bothering us because we are definitely not fine – we are hurt, sad, or angry & we’re tired of telling you what’s wrong. So whatever it is – it’s your cue to try to fix it. Kami-O says: Once she tells you, don’t fix, say “it’ll be ok, I promise.” And a hug

What We Wish He Knew #30

Don't put cologne/deodorant “down there” if you want us to go “down there”. It tastes like licking Windex. Not that we ever have but we could only imagine. Kami-O says: I have and it does..just don’t..

What We Wish He Knew #31

Yes we want to cuddle after sex. If we don’t we’ll tell you but you sure as hell better try. And no, we don't always want to spoon. Other times we want our space too. Kami-O says: I don’t cuddle but most want to.. We’re usually hot afterwards, so some air is good!

What We Wish He Knew #32

We’ll admit sometimes it makes us nervous when you go out with the guys so be the amazing guy you are and let us know you’re thinking of us. It’ll make us smile and prevent any arguments in the future when the boys want a night out. Kami-O says: Nah, go have fun.. Fun not “hanging out with strippers” fun, just fun..

What We Wish He Knew #33

Confidence is more attractive than good looks but being overly cocky is a total turn-off. It’ll send our douche meter sky-rocketing. Kami-O says: umm, yep and a sense of humor goes a long way

What We Wish He Knew #34

Manscape. Excessive hair anywhere is gross that means on your back too. And trim down below but don’t overdo it. We want a man, not a boy. However, if your hair is thinning just bite the bullet and shave it. We’ll find you sexier and you won't look like a patchy Chia pet. Kami-O says: Yes, I don’t wanna have to braid anything, ever..

What We Wish He Knew #35

Court us. Treat us like the lady we are and yes, that includes paying on a first date. In fact, don’t even make us feel like we have to do a courtesy gesture and reach for our wallet. If not, we’ll find a man who won’t ever let us reach for the bill or go dutch. Kami-O says: For God’s sake, dutch is fine. Why be formal about it?

What We Wish He Knew #36

On a first date-- do not ask us how much money we make, about our previous relationships, or bring the subject of sex up. You’ll look like a creep and we’ll never go out with you again. Also, don’t whine about your life. We’re not your shrink. We want to have fun. Kami-O says: You ask me about those things, but don’t think you’ll get me to pay, be my next b-friend or get laid if you do..

What We Wish He Knew #37

Take control in the bedroom. Don’t ask “Is this okay?” Trust us, if we don’t like it WE WILL LET YOU KNOW! Kami-O says: Shit if needed I’ll make you a map!

What We Wish He Knew #38

Don’t ever lie to us. We will most likely catch you and there will be hell to pay. This means where you went after work tonight to if you really have a girlfriend. Not only is karma a bitch but we will be one too. Kami-O says: True, we have female instincts that kick in when you do this..

What We Wish He Knew #39

Yes we may act as though we love your mom and sisters. Most likely, we’re being nice just like you are about our crazy family. Sorry but it’s true. Kami-O says: If their assholes we’ll most likely tell you and vice versa

What We Wish He Knew #40

If you hate your mom, it’s a big RED flag you most likely have mommy issues. AKA You secretly hate women too. Get therapy. It’ll at least show you’re trying to better yourself and we can’t fault you for that. Kami-O says: I could analysis this one for DAYS!

What We Wish He Knew #41

Sexy lingerie is often itchy and uncomfortable so if we come out wearing it, you better have a big ‘ole smile on your face. Kami-O says: Not true, some nice stuff out there.. Encourage us to wear it and we will!

What We Wish He Knew #42

Getting a bikini wax is the most painful thing ever. We do it for you. You better appreciate it.
Kami-O says: It is painful, but it’s not like childbirth! We don’t do it for you, we do it for us and swimsuit season!

What We Wish He Knew #43

We don’t need your place to be a 5-star hotel but please straighten up. We don’t want to sleepover if we feel like we need to be doused in Lysol to avoid catching any weird diseases. Oh and that hair and junk on the back of your toilet seat is gross. Clean it yourself or get a maid. PLEASE NOTE: There is never an excuse for you NOT to put the toilet seat down. We don't care if it's your place or not...
Kami-O says: If I personally see this, I won’t stay longer than I have to. If your bathroom looks like this, what does the kitchen and rest of the house look like?Ish!

What We Wish He Knew #44

Word to the wise, if you want us to find you sexually attractive do not share your flatulent tendencies with us. If you don’t know what this is – look it up. This includes burping too. It’s gross. Kami-O says: and makes me giggle like a 5 year old unless we are in public, then it’s embarrassing. Don’t do it unless I can too and don’t be weirded out if I do either.

What We Wish He Knew #45

Tell us what we want to hear. It doesn’t matter if you prefer us in jeans and converse or a short skirt and heels, if we ask you how we look you better have a good answer. (ie: We look beautiful because in your eyes we always should). But be your word. If you promise something -- always deliver!!!
Kami-O says: NO! Be honest.. If I look like shit tell me. I don’t want to be walking around looking like I had car-sex even if I just did!

What We Wish He Knew #46

Unlike #45 there are times when you better not tell us what we want to hear. For example, if you tell us you love us then break up with us, we’ll never forgive you. If you tell us you really hate our family, we’ll never forgive you. Or if the outfit is truly hideous and you tell us it looks great, we’ll never forgive you. Moral of the story…think before you speak. Kami-O says: See above answer.. duh!

What We Wish He Knew #47

We really are judging you especially by how great (or not so great) your relationships with your parents and family are and use that to determine your potential as a family man. If you want to pass the test…you better be a good son/brother/etc. This also includes how you deal with the EX-Files if you come across like an angry mean bastard, be prepared for us to run…fast. Kami-O says: If you hate women and we catch on, we won’t like you..period.

What We Wish He Knew #48

Yes, it bothers us when you check out, comment, or drool over another women. It’s not because we’re insecure but we put effort into how we look for you. We want it to be appreciated. Besides, it’s just rude. Have some manners and show respect. Kami-O says: It’s just rude, what are you a caveman?

What We Wish He Knew #49

Don’t ever turn us down if we’re in the mood for sex because guess what we love it too. Probably more than you know so if you turn us down be prepared to deal with some serious blue balls. Oh, and just because you got off doesn’t mean your job is done. There are two of us here. Make sure we’re satisfied too. Kami-O says: This is a huge deal.. If you get off and we haven’t, expect the silent treatment and no sex for awhile.

What We Wish He Knew #50

While it is the age of the independent woman, we do want to be taken care of. In return, we will take care of you. Kami-O says: true

Thought I had it Right This Time..

2011-04-26T14:18:00.000-05:00

If you’ve EVER read me you know I have talked a lot about dating and how frustrating it can be. I came to an epiphany last night. I spend so much time and energy analyzing things to death. I analyze every word, gesture, tone, body language for meaning. I was thinking about how exhausting it is when it dawned on me: it’s totally pointless. What does it mean? Nothing. The thing is, I will never know someone’s intention, motivation, thought, or feeling. No matter how much I analyze it or how hard I try to figure it out, I cannot get into someone else’s brain. So why waste so much time and energy doing so? What is it getting me? Just more stress/frustration?

I think as human beings, we do our best not to get hurt, some more than others. Especially since most of us have been hurt before. I know I have, and will most likely continue to be so. We are reading into all of these things because we want to love and we want to experience the joy that love can bring us, but we don’t want to throw our heart into something just to have it broken. We are trying to make sure the situation we are walking into is safe. So, of course you have to put your experience to the test. Is the guy only texting you after you text him and never wants to go out in public? Yeah, that doesn’t take a lot of analysis. But, reading into things to the degree that I do can be dangerous and ultimately non-productive.

All of that being said, the initial stages of dating can be so frustrating. You want to put yourself out there but you don’t want to be overeager. You want to know if that person likes you too. I just hate that feeling of uncertainty. The fear. Liking someone, wanting to see where it goes and being afraid it’ll be gone before you can explore that. This happens to me a lot. I always end up asking my single guy friends, do you think texting him once a week is too much? If I text him back several times in one day, is that too much? For I never want to be dubbed that “clingy” chick. I’m a busy professional, creative woman and don’t have time to waste on games. I’ve been trying NOT to live in my head so much and communicate more with the person I want to date/be with. I thought I did it right this time and yet again have been proven wrong. Consensus indicates that I slept with him to early. Damn.

What went wrong? Not really much of anything I wasn’t warned about in advance, so I will give him credit for communicating that with me. We met, got together at my house once, then at his house. It was after many drinks, interesting and flirty conversation that we slept together. I remember telling him as I was being drug down the hall that I really didn’t want to do this because I was certain he “wouldn’t like me anymore”. I was serious about that statement. Now I find that he’s placating me with the promise of another date that will happen “soon”. Yeah, I blew it and A: he’s now only interested in getting together for sex or B: Not wanting to make a big deal out of telling me he’s not interested anymore. Either way, I do not want either one. I have made it fairly clear that I want more and if he wasn’t interested in doing that or interested in me he could simply say so and I would disappear, back into the population. He has declined that notion, twice. I’m not sure what he’s getting at, but I’m out of the game. I’m busy. I have a graduation to plan, classes to complete, working on this site and I’m currently being mentored by one of the best guitar players in the Twin Cities. I need to focus on those things and be with the people who love and care about me. I’m not going to lie, I over analyzed this to the point that my brain shut down and I fell asleep due to physical and emotional exhaustion. Do I feel sad? Of course but I have thoroughly explained to this person what I want and how I am, I don’t feel that I can do anymore but let it go. To his defense he was (as far as I can tell) very open with me about his life, treated me with kindness and respect when we were together, but out of sight apparently means out of mind, as least in this case.

Conversations with my Friends: Mean Trolls!

2011-04-19T14:47:00.000-05:00

Paul: How goes et?

K: Good, Better.. Thank you ex b-friend who helps his ex g-friend get through stuff..

Paul: Your happiness is paramount. You’re a good person, people should know that.

K: This is why ur one of my bestest friends and always will b.. Sorta sux for u tho!

Paul: Sometimes, you’re right! :P

K: ..and sometimes you’re a mean, old Troll!

Paul: Shut et!

K: ROFL!

Appropriate I think..

2011-04-16T09:51:00.005-05:00

Conversations with my Friends- Reading Material

2011-04-06T15:14:00.000-05:00

My friend Danny decides to randomly text me yesterday...

Danny: What is your address?

Me: xxxx Meadow Grass Ln. in Newport, MN. Why?

Danny: I’m sending you something in the mail, please look for it.

Me: What is it? You know I don’t like surprises.

Danny: Look for it in the mail…

Me: What is it? What am I getting in the mail?

Danny: I bought you a 1 yr subscription to Juggz adult magazine. You haven’t gotten it yet? I’m thinking your roommate might have taken it for herself.

Me: Seriously? You are a moron I swear it! You would have been better off to have bought me shoes! What is it? I don’t like surprises so tell me what it is!

Danny: I told you, it’s Juggz magazine. It’s an adult magazine. If figured since you’re a writer you’d like the articles. Are you not an adult?

Me: Well, sometimes I am. You would have done better with shoes.

Danny: You have plenty of shoes but no adult magazines. What if your friends and family come over and have no adult content to read? Now you’ll have something to hand them!

Me: You’ve lost your effing mind!

Danny: Don’t be so selfish!

Me: Are you kidding? It’s not like I have comics lying around and selfish is not typically a word used to describe me..

Danny: Enjoy the magazine.

Me: Good God man, you’ve totally lost it!

Danny: That’s the thanks I get??

50 Things

2011-04-05T12:27:00.003-05:00

1. A hot cup of coffee in the late afternoon

2. A good read

3. The electric blanket on my sofa

4. Gabriel, when he falls asleep next to me on the sofa

5. Keeping up with my friends

6. 3am guitar practice in the loft

7. Changing into my pajamas when I get home from work

8. Going to bed when exhausted

9. Staying up late

10. Sunday afternoon naps on the sofa

11. Painting

12. That great first date

13. Thursday evening drinks at the Legion with my friend James

14. Infomercial singing with Kat

15. Wine

16. A good BBQ

17. Lying in warm grass on a spring afternoon

18. A good hard run

19. Revisiting old memories through songs

20. Writing in my journal when I have things to write about

21. Days when you can hear snow falling

22. Wild turkeys

23. Buying new things for the house

24. Cleaning out my car

25. Sundresses and cowboy boots

26. Swimming on a hot summer day

27. Watching my fav band outdoors

28. Eating dinner on the deck

29. Windows open on a fall night

30. sandals

31. Late night talks

32. Toe rings

33. Discovering a new tattoo place

34. Afternoon shopping in downtown Mpls

35. Grand Ave

36. Wild and crazy nights with friends

37. Mimosas on Easter

38. Outdoor lunches with Robert, Dan and Ernesto

39. Dance music

40. Chapstick that tastes like strawberries

41. Unexpected gifts

42. The Ocean

43. A shower after a hard run and workout

44. Movies on Christmas Day

45. The Target House

46. Laughing so hard, I cry

47. Superhero underwear

48. My strat

49. Good conversation

50. Summer and Fall

Conversations with my Friends-David Coverdale

2011-04-04T10:56:00.001-05:00

Me: Hey Dude, I got something to ask you..

Scott: Oh yeah? Why?
Me: Well, you are a bit weirder than me and you’re married with a child..

Scott: Ok?? so what’s up?

Me: Well… What the hell is that? (laughing my ass off)

Scott: What?

Me: Is that Gollum?

Scott: Yeah.. I like the movie.. yeah, I like Lord of the Rings.. What's so funny about that?

Me: I like Lord of the Rings too, but you couldn’t have picked Frodo, or some hot fairy or elf chick, you pick Gollum to put on your desktop?? (laughing harder)

Scott: Frodo was last week.. I like Gollum he’s a cool character.. What am I supposed to have? Nelson? What do you have? David Coverdale? Stephen Pearcy from Ratt?

Me: No.. (Laughing harder)

Scott: I like it in "Still of the Night" when he says ".. Come over here babe.." cuz she's supposed to come over, cuz he's cool and has long hair and is in a rock band and stuff..

Me: (bending over screaming laughing)

Scott: (laughing) I like the movie, I like the character.. You talking about the character or the guy who plays him?

Me: He’s an effing cartoon, he’s not real..(laughing) Crap, I can't DO this today.. (bending over laughing)

Scott: He’s a CG character.. played by Andy Serkis

Me: Of course you’d know that..Some dude in a blue suit with little dots on him..

Scott: It’s a green suit actually..

Me: Whatever.. (mimicking the green suit comment) of course you'd know that too..

Sue: What’s going on?

Scott: So far we’ve gotten a noun out of Kami-O, now we are working on getting out a verb…

Me: (Laughing my ass off)

Me: Need to get your opinion on something and being that I’m not patient and am a bit weird.

Scott: Your talking to guy who has a Darth Vader cookie jar in his cube..

Me: (laughing) True, but I have the Darth Vader case with the figures in it..

Scott: Really? I always wanted that, didn’t get it though..

Joe: (popping his head over his cube) Hey, Scott, at least it isn’t a Jar-Jar Binks cookie jar..

Scott: No.. Darth Vader.. cuz he’s bad (in a gruff voice) but good on the inside (with a sweet voice)

Me: (Laughing) like a cookie!

Scott: Yeah, like a freakin' Oreo!

Conversations with my Friends-Suicide Girls

2011-04-04T10:31:00.000-05:00

Kat: So, what’s going on with the Suicide Girls stuff?

Me: Nuthing, I’ve been stalling.

Kat: Why? You been working on this for a long time now..

Me: Not cracked up with having my shit out on the innernets…

Kat: Ok..

Me: Suicide Girls are hott and stuff… I’m not exactly and am nervous about the shoot..I know right, it’s like this with the music thing too.. Once I get it done I’ll be fine with it, it’s just the leading up to it part.. Gott aget out of my own way..

Kat: Look, Suicide Girls don’t care, they don’t care about that stuff..

Me: I know..

Kat: Well, it looks like you need to decide, do you want to be a Suicide Girl or a Sissy Girl??

Me: (choking to death on my dinner)

Conversations with my Friends-Harem

2011-04-04T10:18:00.000-05:00

Paul: Tut, tut, it looks like rain… Tut, tut, it looks like rain…

Me: I have no idea what the hell that means and its early..

Paul: It’s Christopher Robin

Me: I know WHO it is… Arrrgh, it’s too early!

Paul: Umm, ok, well poop on you then..

Me: Ok, I’m good with that…

Paul: I think your wonderful btw..

Me: Am I a wonderful gurl, and peeps are crazy as loons for not liking me? I should have a harem right?

Paul: Harem?? ROFL

Me: Yeah, a group of hott guys that like me cuz I’m me and awesomely likeable!

Paul: Oh, Guys!?

Me: Yeah, guys, who did you think? Chicks? A mixed harem?

Paul: lol

Me: Hey, I’m just askin.. Trying to get inside your head here

Hot Pilgrim- I'm in the Finals!!!!

2011-04-01T14:30:00.003-05:00

Stats for the end of the "Drop it Like it's Hot" contest and I have FINALLY made it into the finals!!!!!!

The last 3 years I've been dropped "disqualified" because I had lost all my weight the first 6 weeks and nothing the last.. so granted I bulked up a bit and made sure I lost a bit slower this time (damn diet-again!).

Thanks to Halpy for the last 3 weeks, it has helped!

Week 1-Measurements

Week 6 - Measurements

Week 12-Final Weigh in!

Waist-29.5” (Shooting for 25in)

Bust-34”

Hips-40” (that’s like a Walmart right?)

Body Type-Standard

Gender-Female

Age-41 (fuck it, who cares right?)

Height-5ft 7.5 in

Weight-190.lb (shooting for 160lbs)

BMI-29.1% (shooting for 11%-15%)

BMR-1560kcal (how many cals I burn at rest)

Fat%-42.6%

Fat Mass-82.6 lb

Desirable Range

Fat%-22-33%

Fat Mass-33.2-57.2lb

Segmental Analysis

Right Leg

Fat%-41.6.%

Fat Mass-14.4 lb

Predicted Muscle Mass-18.4 lb

Left Leg

Fat%-42.8%

Fat Mass-14.6 lb

Predicted Muscle Mass-17.6 lb

Right Arm

Fat%-42.8%

Fat Mass-4.2 lb

Predicted Muscle Mass-5.2 lb

Left Arm

Fat%-43.0%

Fat Mass-4.4 lb

Predicted Muscle Mass-5.6 lb

Trunk

Fat%-42.2%

Fat Mass-45.0 lb

Predicted Muscle Mass-58.81 lb

To Go or Not to Go?

2011-03-29T15:38:00.001-05:00

Well my college graduation ceremony is coming up soon and I’m debating whether or not to go and again debating whether or not if I DO go, if I should invite anyone.

If you know anything about me at all you know that I don’t like to make a big deal out of anything “formal” that I’ve done. Birthdays, graduation, weddings, babies.. These are things that everyone does so why should anyone but me make a big deal about it? (Thanks (X)Brent for drilling that into my head!) I figure I really don’t want to spend money on the ceremony (I’ll get my actual paper diploma in August), cap, gown, honors pin, formal invites… seems like a lot of work to me. The people I’d invite would have to sit there for how long? I’m in the B’s, so if there’s a huge class, they're gonna be there for awhile. I don’t want that! I simply look at it as “who really cares? It’s just me.”

I remember when I graduated high school, my class was 800 something, and it took 2-3hrs for everyone to complete commencement. I fell asleep on some dude’s shoulder and made him hold my portable fan on me since it was so damn hot and we wore black gowns..

However, it’s taken me almost 17 years to finish this damn degree and I want to get up there and make it count. To take my breather and give myself a bit of a pat on the back for being a stubborn cow and finishing what I started. It does make me wanna throw a party at the house, just because I can. I think I just want to have a couple of low key dinners with my family and some friends to celebrate. I certainly don’t want to forget this mini milestone in my life, nor do I want to be pretentious about it by dragging myself and others out for it..

I’m not sure how I want to handle it.. I just want to graduate!

What do you think?? Leave a comment!

Music on the Agenda for 2011

2011-03-21T16:49:00.005-05:00

I’ve been reading a ton of books about the bands and artists that I’ve admired since, I’m not sure when.

The sad thing is, as I’ve gotten older, so have my favorite artists and they are getting close if not already to retirement from the music business. There quite a few I’d like to see before they retire, die or break up. The fact that I never got to see Alice in Chains, the original line up of Van Halen, the Sex Pistols, the Beatles and the original lineup of the New York Dolls pisses me off and makes me feel as if the bands I love are now becoming the dinosaurs of the ages.

I mean crap, remember when Motley Crue, Metallica, Queensryche, Hanoi Rocks, AC/DC and Ozzy were considered heavy metal, now its classic rock…really? There is still a huge following and need for that kind of music and I’m not saying that out of nostalgia. Where is that sort of angst now? I think bands like Green Day and Buckcherry tap into it, but we are completely drowning in the overdubbed, lip-synched pop music that any 5 year old with a keyboard could make. I’m not saying the stuff isn’t catchy or doesn’t have a “hook”; it does.

Where are the bands of yore who recorded riffs via a REAL guitar and REAL amp, and REAL vocals into a 24 track? I don’t wanna hear 24 tracks of overdubbing, pop-synchy, sample stealing. You get a person like Britney Spears who’s a SINGER not a musician; and barely, she doesn’t even write her own songs. Real musicians are the triple threats out there like Bruce Springsteen, Sammy Hagar, Neal Schon, Joan Jett, Paul McCartney. They ALL write, play and sing as well as sometimes produce their own records. Thing is, Britney’s not even good at the singing part either. If you’re not going to write or play an instrument, be great at what you’re doing. Be Brad Delp, Steve Perry, Freddy Curci, or Christina Aguilera. Does anyone really think Keisha is a good singer?

Anyway, the people below are the real shit, and they are dying out and I want to see them before they quit.

Artists/Bands to see this year

1. Sammy Hagar and the Wabos: It'd be cool to fly out to his cantina in Mexico in October and celebrate his birthday with him and his friends. Past friends have included: Toby Keith, Kenney Chesney, Paul Stanley, Slash, Lars Ulrich, John Entwistle

2. Van Halen (with DLR): New album coming out with David Lee Roth. Heard it's not going well and Eddie and Dave have to be separated. I hope they can cut the crap and fucking tour already! BTW: Balance sucked!

3. Ozzy Osbourne: He's on the European lag of his tour right now supporting his new album "Scream". His official tour page only goes up to Aug 11th. Hope he comes here.. Besides, he cracks the shit out of me.

4. Billy Squier: Last year I wanted to see Billy Squier and I should have. He was touring with Ringo Starr and his All Starr band and they came to the state fair. Billy Squier doesn't have an official page, or touring page.. He goes out with whomever he feels he should and you hear about it later.. Damn, you, damn..

5. New York Dolls: The remaining 2 members have put together a full band and are touring with Poison and Motley Crue this year. I've seen Motley Crue more times than I can count. They were my favorite band all through out high school and college. Poison just sucks, period. They are what I call a "frat" band; all fun and no talent. The Dolls are the real deal and could probably teach both bands a thing or two about music and performing!

6. Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet band: Bob is coming off of his hiatus of raising kids and going back out on the road. Looking forward to hearing "Against the Wind" and "Turn the Page" live..

7. Metallica: Nothing out since 2008's Death Magnetic album. They came and conquered in 2009 and it looks like they are finishing up their last remaining European dates in 2011.

8. Queensryche: The "American Soldier" album rocked. These guys still have the shit but their label isn't promoting them at..all!
They are coming with Judas Priest to Midway Stadium on May 28th.. Not sure if I can make this one.. want too baaadly!

9. Pat Benatar: Her official site sucks. Only advertising her new book and the VIP tickets for her shows, nothing else. $225. a ticket? seriously? For that price I wanna have Easter dinner with her and Neil! I haven't heard a new album from her since 2003's GO. Last year she toured with REO Speedwagon so not sure if she's coming our way. So far the closest she's coming is Wisconsin Dells in August.. Can we say Roadtrip?

10. Joan Jett: She's celebrating the 30th anniversary of "I Love Rock n' Roll" and is pressing 1,000 limited edition clear vinyl albums to commemorate it. She's also only playing about 8 dates this year including one in Wisconsin in August... ROADTRIP!

11. Paul McCartney: His official site is cool, lots of stuff to look at in his career, all by years.. No new albums with the exception of the digitally remastered "Band on the Run" album in vinyl. Looks like he's not touring this year either.. bummage!

12. AC/DC: They completed the Iron Man 2 soundtrack last year and have been touring from 2008-2010 probably no tour this year..

Bulling- in My Opinion

2011-03-15T14:50:00.006-05:00

Yeah, I was bullied. I was bullied in junior high and quite a bit my sophomore year in high school.

In junior high I asked some friends across the room to sign my yearbook. Apparently some “coward asshole” thought they would write some nasty crap in it and destroy my yearbook. Considering how much yearbooks cost and the fact that I couldn’t erase it, was shitty. The fact that they did it anonymously pissed me off as well. Nothing like being vicious, but trying to do it under the radar..?

Sophomore year in high was exceptionally brutal. Some guy shoved me in the hallway as I walked by, when I defended myself by calling him an asshole and walking away he decided to make it his life’s work to bully me to death. The little shit made sure he took classes with me and made fun of me the entire class period. Every time I had to speak, he’d comment. I had friends of mine interfere, nothing helped. The little shit thought it would be funny once to wait until our teacher left the room, hold me down and cut off several inches of my hair. He even had the nerve to walk into my math class. I sat by the door, he reached around the corner and elbowed me in mouth which caused my lips to become jammed into my braces. It bled for days and was painful to heal. My folks were pissed but I knew if they said anything, I’d pay for it later. It was doubtful that the school would call or meet with his folks.

I had 2 snotty girls give me toothpaste and a toothbrush indicating my teeth weren’t clean enough due to my braces. Which if you look at my photos, my teeth are quite PERFECT !

Some kid thought it’d be funny to put a staple into my right leg.. just .. for.. fun.

I was called a slut and a whore for the same reasons I am now, for my mentality is no different now than it was then. The only real difference is that I’m much bigger and don’t have to be in the same building as these idiots.

I was tripped, made fun of about my hair, to the kind of shoes and socks I wore to the music I listened to. (Some kid thought I was weird for listening to Van Halen.. VAN HALEN?!) I was hit, paint/food/ spit on my clothes..

We ALL went through something like this.. All of us at some point and none of us liked it. Did I pick on anyone? Nope. I didn’t hang out with people that did that shit, nor did my folks condone it. I simply wasn’t raised that way, period. If someone did something to me, then I would unleash hell. That was the only time. The one time I said something horrible to someone my BFF called me out and told me what a shit I was for doing it.

Notice I left out something? The Internet, cell phones.. Kids have gotten more and more cruel as the generations move on and technology becomes more advanced. Now these little shits can create a website dedicated to the kid they want to pick on. Ridiculous!

Phoebe Prince, she was RAPED, bullied at school and cyber bullied until she killed herself. She told the school etc, but no one did anything about it. 4 girls and 2 boys were responsible. They felt threatened because she was from a foreign country and was pretty. This shouldn't even get a trial, this should be prison time, period. Minor or not.

College students like Tyler Clementi did nothing to deserve the Internet bulling he received. This story I feel so strongly about and makes me violently angry to hear that this occurred to someone, ANYone. It’s punishable by law to record anyone and post it without their knowledge or consent, but to stream a private, intimate, sexual encounter is, well I can’t even describe how completely violating that is. It was his own roommate and the roommate’s friend, they are “upset” at all the media coverage and hate from people they’ve received. Are you EFFING KIDDING ME? What you did to this poor kid. Not only did you humiliate him, strip him of his self worth, you “outed” him to his family, friends and the world. Something private that he probably didn’t want known. This story is too like “Big Brother” for me to ignore, for ALL of his basic human rights were violated and the whiny bitches that did it are complaining that people are picking on them? I think we are lucky as a nation to not allow government chaperoned torture as a means of punishment and vigilantism as a system to make the wrongs right. I will NEVER understand why in situations like this that a trial is even necessary, it’s very clear what happened and who’s at fault, don’t waste our tax dollars with formalities. Granted I understand that doing that is violating their rights to a trial and their human rights, which at this point they should be stripped of those. Yes, yes, our judicial system is set up and intended to give EVERYONE the same rights, in these cases where it’s clear the intent is to harm, we should be allowed to cause the same amount of harm.

Tyler Clementi article, click here.

Phoebe Prince article, click here.

StopBullying.org

OK.. I’m done now.

Embracing my 40's- I Think!

2011-03-08T15:47:00.006-06:00

In our thirties we start to realize who our friends really are, start to identify our values and come into our own. By the time you turn 40 you've learned a great many things. Here are a few..
My 20’s:
I spent it trying to decide what I wanted to do and going to college to figure that out.

My 30’s:
Was trying to figure out my life and what I wanted.. Family, marriage.. decided that most of that really wasn’t for me.

The 80’s and stuff:
I lived through the 80’s the first time, that means I’m smart enough to avoid hideous style revivals like luminous clothes, big hair and leg warmers. Ish!

Concerts:
I have more concert choices than the kids today, why? Can we say "Reunion Tours"?

What is your style?
I’ve worn the same stuff since junior high/high school.. Some sort of boot or tennis shoe, usually cowboy boots or converse all-stars (bought my first pair in 1983!), a t-shirt or t-shirt with a jacket, flared jeans.

How has your style changed over the years? 20's to 40's?
It hasn’t really. I still have the same “rocker” style that’s reflected in the female rock chicks of the 80’s; Joan Jett, Pat Benatar. I remember getting shit for how I dressed in high school and college, and now it’s cool. Styles rotate it seems every 10 yrs or so.. Not too long ago the Romantic look was in and it was also in style back in the 70’s.

Was turning 40 scary, thrilling, both, and why?
It is/was scary for me. I don’t like the idea of getting older. I’ll probably end up like Joan Rivers, with plastic surgery up the wazoo! I feel hotter in my 40’s and more secure about myself physically. I understand now that I’m built the way I am and to maintain that I need to eat right and exercise. That acting and feeling younger is very reflective on how you look. So don’t be looking for me to grow up and settle down anytime soon!

“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, beverage of choice in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming ~ "WOO HOO, what a ride!"- Unknown

Do you think there are any rules to dressing in your 40s?
I think body type. I mean my legs aren’t the greatest and are a bit chubby, so you won’t see me wearing short skirts and shorts. It would just look tacky and like I’m not dressing for my body type.

Do you have anything in your closet you'll never stop wearing, no matter how old you are?
Some old worn v neck men’s t-shirts that I bought when I was in high school and the concert shirts from the concerts I’d been too. There’s something very cool about walking around in a 1984 Van Halen t-shirt with the concert dates on the back. It shows you actually know who they are and who originally was in the band! My custom black cowboy boots I had made in 2009. The more you wear them the more soft and worn they become. Silver and black beaded necklace I bought in bong shop for $10. when I was in college. It makes me feel young. 1969 Flared jeans from the Gap. I’ve always worn Gap jeans because I’m very unproportionate, my butt and legs are a bit bigger and Gap flares seem to even me out a bit more.

Relationships:
My relationships are another area that I am examining. I need to make sure that those people in my life know how important they are to me. I have a large number of acquaintances, but only a few true and close friends. Those friends have made a huge impact on how I live my life and some of the decisions that I have made over the years. They need to be recognized as the truly vital part of whom I am and who I will yet to become. My ex-Paul is one of the most important people in that category. I have known him for almost 25 years and I know that no matter what I do, struggles, changes etc he will never judge me and will always be there, period. People may come and go in my life, but he is one person that I will know for the rest of my life, he is like my family. Mike, Rich, Jason, Jerry, Victoria; they are the friends that are like my family as well. I know that they will always love me for me, and though we don’t speak to each other often, there is never a doubt we are friends.

Who inspires you in terms of how they dress and carry themselves?
Joan Jett- even at 60 her style is very rocker/punk, very simple. Granted you’re not gonna see me in leather pants, but I’ll definitely wear a leather motorcycle jacket.

Stevie Nicks- all through the 70’s, 80’s and 90’s she still had the same style and it came back around. Now her platform boots are becoming a style must have.

What's the one amazing thing you've learned about yourself ?
I’m very simple. The way I live, tastes, friendships and relationships. It doesn’t take much to make me happy. I feel the best thing to do for someone is to try and support them in whatever they do. There are so many people that do things and go unnoticed. I’m my harshest judge.

What's the best thing about being in your 40s?
I know stuff (wink), stuff I didn’t when I was younger, it’s like my 20’s but on crack!

and

You’re never too old to rock n’ roll!

Nice Reminder

2011-03-06T09:43:00.000-06:00

Nice Reminder that Blair found

I Guess I Should Have Seen it Coming…

2011-03-05T10:30:00.005-06:00

Well things seemed to be going well between Christian and I. He’d been bugging me a lot lately. He wanted to meet up 2-3 times a week and even made a suggestion that I get on birth control.. That confused me a bit since it had never mattered before, why now? I can’t get pregnant, which he knows. I told him we need to have a conversation about it since if I need to spend money on this “thing” we are in, it might not be worth it to me. He agreed.. This was Saturday.

On Tuesday night I text him to say that I was planning on coming over after work, did he still have guests over? He said, yes. I told him I wanted to meet up and he needed to try to make that happen. He texts back saying he can’t discuss it right now, and when I ask why, he says it’s because he’s with his g-friend.

WHAT?! Yeah, I didn’t know.. So I told him it’s over, good luck and good riddance! Idiot!

PS... Thanks to Heather for chatting to me about it. You rock and I feel better!

The Logic of it All?

2011-03-01T01:11:00.002-06:00

This guy.. Well, found out that he has a new g-friend, yep. Good for him.

Apparently he’s been setting down some standards with her; not meeting his kid until they’ve been going out for awhile, really getting know each other before they do anything.. all things I had told him when we dated (or whatever it was)..
Makes me feel bad to know he can do that with some random girl, but not the sister of his 2 good friends? Wasn’t I worth having around?

Makes me angry that he is such a puss that he STILL can't talk to my brother and his g-friend and won't show to any event that I might be at, so he won't be going to my brother's wedding..

I Love Me Some Ollie!

2011-02-24T19:16:00.000-06:00

My g-friend Susan's dog, Ollie.. So damn cute and DAMN funny!

Little Less a Pilgrim (6 weeks later)

2011-02-24T16:27:00.004-06:00

*Measurements 6 weeks ago here*

Waist-30” (Shooting for 25in)

Bust-34”

Hips-42” (that’s like a parking lot right?) (Shooting for 36”)

Body Type-Standard

Gender-Female

Age-40 (sigh) 41 in 2 weeks! (double sigh)

Height-5ft 7.5 in

Weight-192.7lb (shooting for 160lbs)

BMI-30.1% (shooting for 11%-15%)

BMR-1554kcal (how many cals I burn at rest)

Fat%-43.4%

Fat Mass-84.8 lb

Desirable Range
Fat%-22-33%

Fat Mass-34.2-58.2lb

Segmental Analysis

Right Leg
Fat%-42.8.%

Fat Mass-14.6 lb

Predicted Muscle Mass-18.4 lb

Left Leg
Fat%-44.0%

Fat Mass-14.6 lb

Predicted Muscle Mass-17.6 lb

Right Arm
Fat%-44.1%

Fat Mass-4.4 lb

Predicted Muscle Mass-5.2 lb

Left Arm
Fat%-43.8%

Fat Mass-4.6 lb

Predicted Muscle Mass-5.6 lb

Trunk
Fat%-43.3%

Fat Mass-46.6 lb

Predicted Muscle Mass-58.21 lb

Sometimes I Just Don’t Get It..

2011-02-22T16:03:00.002-06:00

Billy was a guy I dated sophomore year at college, he was writer for the college paper. 5 months into our relationship, after a drunken night at the college bar, we did "the deed." I barely remember since it was clumsy, drunk, and tired. He lived a couple of blocks from me so once he fell asleep, I got dressed and walked home to my own bed. He called me the next day after work. I don’t remember the details specifically but the conversation veered to what we did the night before and for whatever reason he felt it necessary to mention that the sex would have been better if my chest was bigger. My chest was smaller than he would prefer. My immediate reaction (what I ended up doing) was to tell him that if he didn’t like it, then no more sex and we were done. Which is what happened. I was 24 years old and it’s amazing to me how little has changed in the last 17 years.

Lou and I were actually talking about the above incident and how we sat in my college apartment and talked about it. Neither one of us could believe the gall. However, I am still single and it still happens. I have written about them. The guy who didn’t want to get involved with me because my legs were too big from running, a guy I dated who didn’t like me because he didn’t feel I dressed feminine enough, the guy who felt I wore too much make up, the guy who thought I looked cheap because I wore lipstick, the several who wouldn’t date me because I was a musician, one who didn’t “want to get too involved” because we were in the same program in college, the guys who didn’t like that I had short hair, long hair, smoked 2 packs a day, because I had tattoos, made more money, too thin, too fat, too young, too old..blah, blah, blah. Christian even dumped me at one point because I had cancer in 2005. He said he couldn’t get involved with someone who could potentially get sick and die.. Honest but shitty just the same. Granted I have blown off a lot of that shit through the years but it brings up the question, why would someone say that? What’s the point?

Going Home

2011-02-22T16:01:00.001-06:00

Lou has been a friend of mine since college. It was he, our friend Brain and I that were the 3 Musketeers in school. The music program was difficult and you needed your classmates for support when it got hard, and it was hard a lot of the time. As I’ve written before, I never thought I was a great player, ever. There were so many talented people I rubbed elbows with and were friends with. I always felt like the loser of the music program. I felt I excelled in the writing portion of the program. The ear training was difficult, but not too much and the fact that I felt I wasn’t as good as the others didn’t help when it came to the other instruments we studied, and the vocal training that was part of theory. Lou was a percussionist like me but I was the Rikki Rocket to his Neal Peart. Brain is a phenomenal vocalist. He and I would work on harmonies all the time. I always loved the way our voices sounded together when singing the right songs. We also had a friend named Adam who played guitar and we’d sometimes sit in the hallway after class to just sing and play. Truly a “Fame” vibe going on a lot of the time.

I always felt I could talk, practice, and sing in front of Lou and Brain. Granted the guys knew more than me, for they started in music long before I did so a lot of their musical ability came to them naturally and the fact that they’d been into it since they were kids. I started performing in grade school and continued through college-vocally. I didn’t take up the drums until I was 19 years old and didn’t learn to read music until I was a sophomore in college. I played guitar off and on all through my teens but never took a lesson until I was in college, as with piano. Thing was with the guys I could make mistakes, not know what the hell I was doing and I’d never get criticized, ever. I never took criticism well, one of the many reasons I found it hard to be a musician. It would hurt me that I would stay up all night and work on a piece, turn it in to have someone tell me that it sucked.

I was talking to Lou the other day, talking about how I wanted to get back into it again. I really want to make a kick ass, hard-core, rock-metal, girl-grinding album. I wanna sing, play drums, keys and guitar but I have no idea how to do it.. I have barely the time to pee much less sit down, write, re-learn guitar, re-learn keys and drums. Then there’s the “not good enough” factor. I think Lou said it best, “I think you need to come out to the studio.” He’s probably right. He has a kit and I can get reacquainted with it, he can show me about studio stuff, I can sing my brains out in front of him and he will be honest but fair about what he hears. I trust and feel safe doing my music stuff in front of the guys who helped feel safe in a very competitive environment, especially when I completely melted down junior year and couldn’t perform as perfect as I wanted.

I didn’t feel I was writing as well as I could be and was having trouble getting what was in my head on paper without going off in 5 different musical directions. It was Lou and Brain who told me that maybe should stop being an overly obsessive nerd and take a bit of a break from the music thing for a semester before I turned into Howard Hughes! We leaned on each other, shared ideas, interests, fears; musically and personally. It’s the closest I ever felt to being a band.. Both Lou and Brain have been in bands, I’ve been approached but that “insecurity” monster reared its ugly head and I opted out. Lou, Brian, my Ex-Erik and Paul are the only people who have seen or heard me play or sing, my folks don’t even know I have a shred of musical talent at this point.

So in talking with Lou, at his discretion we will get together at some point, go into the studio and I know he has some stuff to work on and I’ll probably spend a good couple of days learning from him, watching and being inspired to stop being a wimp and get my own thing going.

Hang out with me, shit WILL happen!

2011-02-15T14:02:00.000-06:00

Michael is a musician friend of mine that recently moved from Scottsdale, Arizona back to Minnesota. We decided to hang out a couple of Fridays ago, grab some dinner and go see a band. We grabbed dinner at Champs in Minnetonka and decided to go see the boys of Monster of Mock in Rockford. As we were driving up to Rockford I told Michael to watch, you hang out with me enough shit will happen, the weird shit, not average odd, but really weird shit. He laughed it up and agreed that odd shit usually happens when he hangs out with me. Yeah.. well…

Michael and I make it out to Rockford to catch the band around 11:30p. We walk in, grab some drinks and settle in to a table toward the back. I was talking to him about the band, who I know, who I don’t etc. A “semi” drunk girl and her (b-friend, friend (?) ) stand at the end of our table watching the band. After about 30mins the girl leans over to talk to Michael. She starts stroking his hair, leaning towards him asking him provocative questions like where he’s from, does he know the band, and am I his woman. That question set me on fire. I could have cared less if she was flirting with Michael, we aren’t together and he’s a grown man, but if she really thought I was his woman she wouldn’t be flirting with him, just asking for a busted lip. I must have shot her a look because she then leans in toward me and asks where I’m from. I give her a general answer, and she wants to know SPECIFICALLY.. I finally get pissed. I ask her why she really needs to know and if she wants something from me or what, if not, then piss off. She leans in further, grabs my chin and proceeds to tell what beautiful eyes I have. I look at her, look at Michael (he’s cracking up at this point.) look back at her and ask if she’s fucking kidding. She continues to look at me unflinching and again says that I have beautiful eyes. I look at her and laugh, tell her flake off and pull away. She continues her spiel by telling me that she thinks I’m hott. I roll my eyes and ignore her to watch the band with Michael. She eventually leaves and I look at Michael. “See I told you!”

Since When Does a Single Woman over 35 become a Spinster?

2011-02-07T23:16:00.001-06:00

**A re-post of a note I wrote in 2007

Since cavemen have been walking the earth women have been giving birth. At that time there was never a ceremony committing one person another either. We then saw at the time of Henry the VIII the importance of religion when it came to being married, and only then would you even conceive of having a child. Back in the 40's and 50’s if you even had pre-marital sex you were considered a tramp and if you didn’t marry and have a child before age 25 you were an old maid. I’d like to think in the 60’s, the time of women’s lib; that we have moved on from that mentality but apparently not, for I’m still asked those very same questions and treated as if I have leprosy if I say I’m not. Yet, men never have to deal with that…they are considered some sort of a prize catch and the woman is considered lucky to land a long time “bachelor” over 40. Where’s the prize in that? He’s past his sexual prime, can’t grow old with someone who’s a ¼ of the way there, and forget having kids…why, since men die before women and that he probably won’t have the energy to run around and play with them. In the end they get stuck with “grampa” as their dad and who will probably only be around for about 10 years anyway! Poor kid.

I think that in 37 years, I’ve pretty much experienced it all… and believe you me, I’ve been on the receiving end of many breakups and have been instigator of many as well. I have given and been given every cheap excuse in the book when it comes to “quietly leaving the morning after” as well as being the excuse maker. What happens if that’s all you really want at this time in your life? The closest I’ve ever come to marriage is living with my b-friend at the time and that took a lot of planning and faith on both our parts. At this point in my life I can’t say that I’d do it again to be honest. Don’t get me wrong it wasn’t a bad or horrible experience, it was sort of fun actually, but I don’t I think went about it correctly and with me- once burned….. Marriage isn’t for everyone; a couple of times I did want to get married but I have to say it was solely based on how I felt about the relationship and those two men. I don’t and haven’t ever thought I was really the marrying type because I’ve always been a bit wild anyway. Settling down to me has always been an excuse to make a habit out of life….Waking up, going to a crappy job, coming home, eating, sleeping…you get the idea…where’s the fun? I’ve always enjoyed the “getting to know you” phases of dating. The butterflies in the stomach anticipation of seeing that person or talking to them on the phone. The finding out that they snort when they laugh, they have laughing fits when tired, or will go out of their way just put into hysterics. I love that!

So it really sticks in my craw when people will ask me or my parents how I’m doing, inquire if whether or not I’m married and have children, then act like I must have put on skunk perfume if told that I’m not. I’m constantly told that I should hang up any thoughts about it anyway because I’m too old. What?! What dead male aristocrat made up that rule? The sad thing is that from time to time I actually feed into that bullshit! I never hear that about men? What my biological clock is ticking? Really? I know of many women who have had babies and have gotten married in their 40’s and in some case their 50’s. If neither person has issue what is the issue?

What I’m wondering is; are we still living in the 1950’s? Since when is 37 too old? Why is this a stigma that’s only put on women and not men? People will actually imply that it’s a lack of femininity, compliance, and meekness on my part, as if it’s my fault that a man can’t like me for who I am or that I’m some sort of man hater-which I’m not. I love men, but unless they possess my top 3, there’s not much point in spending an evening listening to some attractive guy drone on about the hockey game, when I can go home, watch it and get the play by play…. He could really put himself to good use by rubbing my feet...just an option.

I really have no regrets when it comes to the choices I’ve made. If I were to choose between the loveless certainty of never having dared to be in a marriage/relationship, or sour of a marriage gone wrong, I’d choose the door number 1. Thing is that I haven’t been “know to the bone" certain and I know that you need to be before you delve into this kind of commitment. I’m certainly going to take it very seriously and once I’m in, I’m in. True love IS a gamble anyway. I’ll certainly take the risk if presented; I mean I’ll never say never. I’ve done that and been proven wrong every time. I’m certainly not going to take the solitary route either. I did that for a number of years and found that it doesn’t suit me. So until then, I’ll be here, doing my “thing”, dating the datable along the way and see where that leads me. I really feel that I need to take some time for me these days. Sounds cliché but it’s true. After being in an “off/on” relationship with someone for 10 years, it’s time for me to take the time to concentrate on me: my home, my job, my education, hobbies, health, read some good books, and soak my head in some hot baths. To delve into the things that I want to do. I spent 10 years compromising and now I don’t have to, so why should I? Spending a great deal of time in an intense relationship, one tends to spend their time focused on catering to one’s partner, not oneself. Being good to yourself is a skill like any other and as you know with any skill, if you don’t practice, you get rusty. You need to work it out and often. So I'm working it out and taking the time getting reacquainted with me. I’m hopeful that within this “reassessment” I’ll find that I’m a pretty good person when I get over myself, and then I can share that with someone else. Until then, I’ll be the one to decide when it’s time to enter the world again and I’m sure the world will be there and waiting when I’m ready.

Everything happens for a reason. I believe that everyone is meant to take a certain path and if you challenge that you will be corrected. I spent a portion of my early twenties fighting my fate and the bull shit you go through to fight it is worst than just going with the flow and accepting it. You may not know the "why" at the time but the reason will make itself clear eventually. It’s the security I feel in this idea that gives me peace of mind, at least enough to allow me to sleep better at night. With this I know I haven’t found the right person to be eternally committed to, or else it would have happened already-right? So to claim that one is too old is just plain ignorant in so many ways I wouldn’t want to waste your time naming them. Besides the time I’m taking getting to know myself, will benefit someone in the long run.

Calming Down a Bit

2011-02-07T16:09:00.002-06:00

School/House: Well, now that I’m coming upon the last few classes in my degree program I feel that I’m calming down a bit. Starting to see that light at the end of the tunnel. Few things have happened since I wrote last.. Umm, Heard back from the bank in regard to my loan modification, it was good and bad. The good was that they considered me and actually did modify my loan-to which I’m grateful.
The bad news was that they only modified it by $50.53. I can’t say I understand it, but that’s what it is. I called my loan counselor who told me that it was all based on my current finances and the careful monitoring of my account. When I explained that I wasn’t going to be holding 2 jobs much longer, her reply was that when my finances change, call her and we’d start the process over. Great, another 4-5 month wait!

Taxes/Debt: I haven’t filed my taxes yet but am hoping that I’ll get at the very least $1,500. back since I paid in over $500. last year. That will at least get half of my debt paid off, then I’ll try to buckle down and pay off the rest by April/May..?

More House: I’m going to also try to get a few things done on the house. The bedrooms desperately need built in lights and a few shelves, railing etc need to be tightened before they fall out of the wall. Also looking to have someone stain my dining set and my coffee/end tables.. Any takers?

Exercise: Since I’ve weighed in for “Drop It Like It’s Hot” I’ve lost 10lbs this month. Good so far, so hopefully I can keep it up. I have to def drink more water and stop getting hungry between 2-3p every day. I’d like to work out longer, but am not seeing that as a possibility right now.. I simply don’t have the time during the week, at least not as much as I’d like and def not warm enough to run outside either.

Life: Made a few “life” changes which I’m happy about and am choosing not to discuss.. A couple of people know, my family knows and I’m choosing to keep it to myself for the most part, those things are very close to the vest and I don’t feel comfortable sharing in a public forum. Let's just say it's good, at least I think so!

Dream world

2011-01-19T16:15:00.001-06:00

You: outgoing, music loving, pop culture savvy, lacking an internal censor on what you say, comfortable with laughing at yourself, willing to agree to disagree about deep topics, a fan of sports or willing to learn, not in a rush to have the 2.5 kids and 1.8 cars and a dog and/or cat in suburbia.

Date 1: Drinks at a bar. A great jukebox, two stools positioned very close together, lots of creative toasts over cheap drinks, flowing conversation, no uncertainty. We CLICK. Our first kiss happens quickly because we both can't resist, and it's a killer one - deep and intimate and intense and powerful, and within it, we've revealed our passion for one another, our attraction, our sexual urges, and our joy for spending time together. Dinner follows, and we call it a night, fully intent on not waiting very long for date 2. We text or talk the next day.

Date 2: (Ideally the next night, or very soon after date 1): Dinner, and then some live music. More intense conversation over the meal, about anything and everything under the sun, as we truly learn about each other, and very honestly. Wordless communication between songs at the show. We're talked out, but in the best possible way. No more conversation is needed at this point. We're IN to one anther. Back to someone's place. Shedding of clothes ensue. The orgasms are multiple, and we don't stop smiling, laughing, playing, and enjoying each other's bodies until we somehow realize how insanely late it is. We then laugh some more, roll back under the covers, and have it once again. The sleep that night is indescribably peaceful.

Date 3: The entire next weekend. Daylight hours spent in, nighttime hours out and about. Clothing as limited as possible when alone. Mindless TV watching as we laze on the couch, reading our weekly magazines as we snuggle together in bed, ordering in some amazing food, and generally acting like the well established couple we may not be quite yet, but are certainly well on the way to becoming.

I know it's a dream. But it's not THAT unrealistic to imagine. Am I asking for too much?

**This was written by a guy in Pennsylvania, indicating on a dating site what he hoped he would find when dating..

I was shocked and pleasantly overwhelmed with how "girly", romantic and how positively delic this sounded..

Fat Pilgrim

2011-01-12T16:29:00.000-06:00

Joined the “Drop It Like It’s Hot!” contest at work again.. I remember when I started participating in this contest 3 years ago I was a fit 162lbs.. What the HELL!!!!

Stats as of January 12th

Waist-33” (Shooting for 25in)

Bust-36”

Hips-48” (that’s like a parking lot right?) (Shooting for 36”)

Body Type-Standard

Gender-Female

Age-40 (sigh)

Height-5ft 7.5 in

Weight-198.0 lb (shooting for 135lbs-140lbs)

BMI-30.1% (shooting for 11%-15%)

BMR-1599kcal->( how many cals I burn at rest)

Fat%-42.3%

Fat Mass-83.8 lb

Desirable Range

Fat%-22-33% (I’m shooting for 11-15%)

Fat Mass-34.2-58.2lb (I’m shooting for 20.2-25.0 lbs)

Segmental Analysis

Right Leg

Fat%-44.%

Fat Mass-15.0 lb

Predicted Muscle Mass-18.0 lb

Left Leg

Fat%-44.3%

Fat Mass-14.8 lb

Predicted Muscle Mass-17.6 lb

Right Arm

Fat%-42.3%

Fat Mass-4.4 lb

Predicted Muscle Mass-5.4 lb

Left Arm

Fat%-41.9%

Fat Mass-4.6 lb

Predicted Muscle Mass-5.8 lb

Trunk

Fat%-41.3%

Fat Mass-45.0 lb

Predicted Muscle Mass-61.4 lb

Clear Things Up- Make it Understood

2010-12-27T11:15:00.001-06:00

I remember the notice that went out to Seniors my Senior year in high school, the notice that indicated what each one of us was going to do after graduation. Some were accepted into college, some listed that they were joining the workforce, some indicated that they were going to get married. I was in the married category.

I remember, even after all these years that I wished that next to my name was the college I was going to be going to. Once I graduated and was in the throes of planning my wedding, I noticed that my fiancee really wasn’t into planning it with me. I accepted the fact that he was in the middle of finals and graduating from college with a double B.A. He was far too busy to help me plan. I noticed as I got closer to the date, that I was starting to lose interest in the event. I couldn’t see myself growing old with him, I couldn’t see myself being a house wife (which is what he wanted) or having children. I wanted to be a musician. He didn’t encourage my interests, much less my interest in being in music. He simply told me that I was “Too old to be banging on the drums..” I wanted to anyway. So right around Valentine’s Day I decided that this was something I really didn’t want to be doing and broke it off. It didn’t really help that the guy was really a monster douche-Just sayin’. He wanted the house, car, to live in the burbs, have children.. I never saw myself having those things, nor did I particularly want them. I decided to go to college, study music and once I got into the program I hit the ground running.

I again became involved with someone I fell very much in love with, it was discussed that we were going to get married and have children but the longer we were in the relationship the more we didn’t want it. I felt better just living together, continuing to do what we were doing. We eventually grew apart via our differences, one of them being that I didn’t want to get married. Granted in both cases one could assume I picked the wrong guys-yes, I would agree. I also have never considered myself the kind that would get married and have a bunch of kids. I’ve never really wanted it nor thought about it much. Granted I would be naive not to be open to the possibility that it COULD happen, it’s just not likely. All my pissing and moaning is basically that I want someone I can just live with and have a relationship with. I am not looking for anything else, but trying to find a b-friend in this town is next to impossible! *Guys, grow a pair and ask a girl out! GEEZ!

Now, the other topic.. Independence.. I’ve always found it mildly amusing that guys can have sex with anyone, do it frequently and not be considered anything but a player. If a WOMAN does the same thing, she’s a slut, is judged for her lifestyle choices and morals. I’ve never been one to conform to a certain set of expectations. My motto has always been, “if you’re not hurting anyone…” being that I’m not interested in getting married, I date, experiment, have committed relationships and sex with who I deem fit. It’s doesn’t mean that I lack anything, have low expectations, or self esteem. I admit I fuck it all up sometimes. I may get too involved; get too emotional or sometimes too removed from the situation. Sometimes it’s the guy himself who is just an ass, or that we just don’t connect. I have my brief melt downs, learn from it, and move on. Granted if I’m guilty of anything it’s trying to keep in good standing with all of them, but of course I have my limits on that too. I certainly don’t go around trying to piss off or hurt them, that's just not my thing.

What I’m trying to say here is that I do what I want as long as I’m not hurting anyone. It’s not fair to judge me for being a single, 40ish woman with needs. If guys have needs, what, women don't too? I don’t think it’s OK at all that a guy can screw around and no one thinks twice, but if a single woman does it, then she’s labeled as being a slut, having low self esteem, or bad morals. That’s not the case. Granted, I don’t have this down to science and yes, sometimes I get hurt, I write about it, and you, Sports fans get to hear and read about it firsthand. It is afterall my business, and if you choose to talk about it, pass judgement, that makes you the ass and you can forget talking to me for I simply don't put up with that snotty high schoolish drama shit. If you wanna know, come ask me. I'll certainly talk to you about it if you really wanna know. If it’s all too nauseating and pathetic for you, then turn the channel..but if we are going to have equality, shouldn't we be changing the way we think about that as well?

Nothing Better to Do..

2010-12-19T11:00:00.004-06:00

1. Judge not, that ye be not judged. 2. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again. 3. And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest... not the beam that is in thine own eye? 4. Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam [is] in thine own eye? 5. Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye. 6. Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you. Matthew 7:1-6

May want to ponder that before you say something about my life in front of my friends.

It was basically what I expected before I walked in the door. I don’t have a lot in common with those people. Everything they do is centered around their kids and marriages. I mean, I think that's great and all, but I don't want that nor am I searching for that.

Obviously that's not understood, for my life was briefly spoken about and the lives of two others, passed in judgment. I was surprised yet not so much, for this is same childish behavior I dealt with in high school, which is why I didn't like them so much then either.

The difference now is, I really don't give a shit if you condone my lifestyle or the lifestyles of the two people you mentioned. Your life is obviously boring as all hell if you need to mention ours, we are adults and can handle our business our way regardless of you. We are all fine with what has transpired between us, so as long as that is, piss off.

* You may be thinking that because I posted this that it bothers me .. Nah... however the two people you mentioned, yeah, it bothers me you judged them, unfairly and more lightly than myself. THAT bothers me.

I'm Just Gonna Ask, Dammit!

2010-11-29T11:43:00.001-06:00

Ok. If you could have anything you wanted for Christmas….what would it be?

(within reason of course, so you can't say a million dollars..we'd all love that, duh!)

Couldn't Have Said this Better Myself...

2010-11-26T13:11:00.000-06:00

Yeah! Couldn't have said this better myself..

Priorities

2010-11-24T09:45:00.000-06:00

In the last year it seems that my priority has been trying to find that “connection” or relationship. I have failed horribly, embarrassed and humiliated myself beyond repair. The classy woman I’ve always deemed myself to be has been replaced with a dim, weak, low class version. For whatever reason my priorities shifted. I never wanted the search for a relationship to become a priority in my life, yet here it is. I have so much going on, so much to be thankful for and to be honest I think I’d be fooling myself if I thought that I could give someone time, when I barely have any time to myself. To be honest, I don’t like where I’m going and how this has all become a priority and issue. It doesn’t make me happy and am finding myself sinking into a hole to which I end up digging myself deeper.

I have a house to refinance, I need to graduate from college, start my Masters or start up a second program, quit my PT job and change up my current FT job, I have a demo to cut and a “potential” album to make which requires songs to write.. I have hobbies I need to start back up. I want to take drum lessons, guitar lessons, buy 2 new guitars and a Roland electronic drum kit, along with a keyboard to hook up to my computer so I can continue to write like I used to. I have friends that I wanna spend long summer evenings with and 2 nieces that I want to take out for skating and picnic parties. I want to go back into my heavy running regime because it gives me clarity and makes me not only look good but feel good. I don’t want to have to think about being with someone, because it’s never really been a priority to me nor should it be now. After some long and scary conversations, I’m “closing down the shop” for about 6-8 months to get back to me. I’m stopping the dating and screwing around for it clouds my head and doesn’t allow me to focus. There may be a couple of people that I have been insensitive with, and for that I am truly sorry.

I have had a rough dating patch in the last year and I realize that I was much happier when dating was just dating and nothing else. Gotta go back to that.

What You Should Know How to Do...

2010-11-23T15:02:00.002-06:00

I have stolen this from Tiff, thought it was funny..

The original article is here

Adam originally wrote about it first.. his entry is here and MUCH finnier than mine..

1. Make a mean breakfast – umm, no.. I don’t know how to really make anything, but I CAN read and CAN follow a recipe including the one on the side of the Bisquik box!

2. Shave – I can shave my girly parts..that counts

3. Make a drink – Oh hellayeah.. You name it and I’m sure I can make it.

4. Change a diaper – I have a younger brother and 2 young nieces, what do you think?

5. Drive in crappy conditions- Did you hear about Saturday night and the glare ice?

6. Spot a liar – Usually, but I’m fairly intuitive..

7. Surf the web anonymously – How in the hell?

8. Buy a gift for a woman – Yeah, but buying something they like and won’t throw away after you’ve left the room, is a gift right there!

9. Off-road without flipping the ATV – Yeah, but I’m sort of a pussy when it comes to riding stuff like this BECAUSE I’ve fell or flipped off of it at some point..

10. Talk your way out of a traffic ticket – It’s called BOOBS! Ladies, God wouldn’t have given them to you if he didn’t want you to use them!

11. Open a bottle unconventionally – Yeah, esp when I don’t have an opener..

12. Unhook a bra with one hand – Yeah, on myself.. I’ve seen some guys do it quicker and faster though..

13. Sew a button – Yeah...I’m a pretty damn good sewer, so that’s a basic.

14. Choose the right urinal – I’ve only peed in a urinal once. I didn’t really care which one it was.

15. Spot fake breasts – Yep, usually is she’s tiny and the boobs are half her body weight, there’s the indicator!

16. Rally after a big night of drinking – Yes, I do this more than I’d like to admit.

17. Upgrade at a hotel – Why wouldn’t you if needed?

18. Unclog a toilet– If you have a toilet, you’ve unclogged one at some point..

19. Parallel park – Yep and I’m really good at it. Just too lazy to do most of the time.

20. Play poker – Yeah, I play a mean game of poker. My Pop taught me!

21. Dance – Yes and well. I was formally trained for years so I can pretty do anything.

22. Do at least ten push-ups on command – Yes, I work out a lot so if I couldn’t I’m sure my trainer would leave me.

23. Shine your shoes – yes..with a rag/brush and shoe polish

24. Iron a shirt – Yep. With or without starch Sir??

25. Perform CPR – It’s been awhile since I was certified, but yes I do know how.

26. Know how to navigate a road trip – A map and automobile..right?

27. Pick up a girl using a dog as your wingman – I haven’t picked up a chick, but a guy? Yep.. My hypocrisy has no bounds, I’m single!

28. Drive a manual car – All my cars with the exception of the Cobalt have been sticks. I prefer them.

29. Choose a scotch/whiskey – I don’t drink scotch and the only 2 Whiskeys I prefer are Jameson and Wild Turkey.. I would think choosing a wine would be more of a skill than Scotch or Whiskey.. ?

30. Paddle a canoe/kayak – I can and have, but am scared shitless of water so.. you figure it out!

31. Use a chainsaw – I’d probably saw off my damn leg.. so no to that one.

32. Tap and operate a keg – I did go to college!

33. Build a fire – Yep.. matches, flint, and with ice..

34. Cast a fishing rod – Yep, been fishing a bazillion times and really like it but usually don’t have anyone to go with..

35. Erect a tent – Of course, did it 2 summers ago.

36. Tie a tie – I used to but have since forgot, esp since the 80’s have pasted and girls don’t usually wear them anymore.

37. Haggle for a lower price – DO you KNOW me?

38. Throw a football –Absolutely.. I can get a nice spin on it and everything!

39. Jump-start a car – If you live in Minnesota, you’ve done this at some point.

40. Pour a beer – See question number 32

41. Know your local professional sports teams – Yes because they all suck now!

42. Some assembly required – I can follow directions..

43. Get your money’s worth at a buffet – I figure if I’m full, then I got my dollar’s worth..

44. Pick up a woman with a one-liner – I’ve done this with both sexes.. The guys usually can be hooked with one word.. “Hi!”

45. Hook up the cable – I’m a total tard when it comes to this type of thing.. I couldn’t even begin to understand cable crap and what goes where..

46. Fry a turkey – No.. sounds gross and dangerous

47. Throw a punch without looking like a sissy – Yeah.. but haven’t since I was in high school.

48. Bong a beer – Yeah, camping this summer.

49. Use a charcoal grill – Matches, lighter fluid.. try not to burn off my eyelashes=success 

50. Change a tire – Yes I do, have and I do have roadside assistance. I think everyone should know how to do this..

And now, MY list of stuff every woman should do in her life:

1. Wear sexy underwear on a regular basis

2. Go to the movies or dinner by yourself.

3. Take artistic, nude photos of yourself.

4. Buy at least 1 pair of expensive designer shoes

5. Make a fool of yourself over another person

6. Help your self-confidence, go to a nude beach somewhere

7. Throw down shots at a biker bar.

8. Go on road trip alone.

9. Volunteer at a soup kitchen or homeless shelter over the holidays

10. Tell someone that has wronged you EXACTLY what you think of them and mean it.

11. Stay in bed with your partner, eat pizza and watch movies all day.

12. Give a stranger something they don’t have but you do.. (Umbrella if it’s raining, a hand to change a tire)

13. Buy flowers for yourself, because you can.

SWEET GIRL ****Written by Stevie Nicks

2010-11-23T10:42:00.003-06:00

And he says, "What do you love to do?

Outside your world,

Who spends time with you?

Whom do you love when you're not working?

Sweet Girl....

Where would you go,

If you had the time?

Crossing some crazy State-line somewhere?

To whom do you cry?

People are unkind,

Sweet Girl..."

But I chose to dance across the stages of the world.

Everyone said I'd never learn...

And I still hear your words, "Well, I waited all my life for you.... my Sweet

Girl..."

I did try to come back and listen...

you never knew it...

I didn't wish it...

And I did hear every answer of every question...

It's all about protection....

Still through the sunlighted days I wait...

Track a ghost through the fog....

The sun is burning me...

And you come runnin' out...

In the wind with me...

The ocean is your blanket...

But I chose to dance across the stages of the world...

Everyone said I'd never learn...

I still hear your words, "Well, I waited all my life for you...

I watched you fly through the world.

In a golden ball...

Many are the cities that I never saw at all..."

Sometimes I feel like I was always on-call

Sometimes even I am allowed to fall...

He says, "Come down here for a

minute...Well, come down here for a minute...."

He says, "Come down here for a minute, Sweet Girl...

My Sweet Girl...

The Things I Carry

2010-11-23T09:49:00.003-06:00

The shit that I carry around in my purse.. Some of it I even question!

(Mary Kay make up kit, lotion, lipstick, lip glass, chapstick, MP3 Player, my glasses, keys, lock for my gym locker, USB cable (?), "Super K" magnet (?), belly ring (?) )

Hi, My name is Kami-O and I eat my Feelings

2010-11-19T12:04:00.006-06:00

I was right. The very nice, sweet, very cute and hilarious guy, is no longer interested.. SURPRISE! Didn't see that coming, right?

I'll give you 3 reasons it happened:

1. Yeah, I slept with him. He was funny, cute, interesting and drunk, I figured why not? (not doing THAT anymore..)

2. He told me several times he thought I was intimidating. Which I personally don't get.

3. He didn't really communicate how he felt about me and I really didn't communicate how I felt about him.

such is my life... ~sigh~

Messing It Up All By Myself-All the Time

2010-11-15T06:25:00.004-06:00

My last posting seemed to stir up some comments-good ones. It got me thinking a bit. The entry was a bit of venting on my part with my frustrations with “the Dude”. One of my g-friends asked the question..
"Why can’t people walk away when all they are doing is getting hurt?" I agree with her 100%, however.. I fell in love with “the Dude” before I had sex with him, it has continued to go downhill ever since. I think he put on a façade for 3-4 months, reeled me in and the rest is history. Once I’m in love with someone it’s hard to tear myself away. Do I hang around hoping he’d change his mind? Yeah, I do and if I told him how I feel, he’d get pissed. He’s done so in the past and we’ve gotten into knock out drag out fights where I’ve walked out. I also hate being told that if he was ready to be in a relationship, I’d be the one he’d have it with. I think that’s a bit unfair, because that’s just enough ammunition to keep me next to him, along with all the other similar things he says. I know most of you are going “What the hell then, get rid of him..” all I can really say to that is two things: 1: He’s everything I would have wanted in a partner 2: I love(ed) him.

On a more positive side, we did have an argument 2 weeks ago while hanging out and drinking. I asked him (kiddingly) that if I was injured and asked him to help me would he, his reply was a firm “no”. I was shocked.. I kept at him about him helping me and his answer was always a “no”, so I got up to leave and just before I hit the door, I asked him what his damn problem was. He asked me to sit down and relax. So I asked him again, if I was injured and needed his help, would he help me? His new reply was “What do you think?”.. He kept saying it over and over.. My reply was “My instincts say yes.”, then there’s your answer he says. Why he can't just tell me?

I sat there for a few minutes upset, then quietly left. He could have cared less that I was leaving, or that my feelings were hurt.. I cried all the way home and in crying I thought, “Fuck it, I’ve had enough. I can’t do this anymore.” And decided to put some distance between us and not jump every time he txts or calls. Then 4 days later I met someone. Someone who, as it stands right now is a very nice, sweet, very cute and hilarious guy. Granted we have just met and it’s all very new and sparkly. Perhaps once a month rolls by nothing will have come from it at all and I’ll be back where I am now. Who knows.

Things I Don’t Understand

2010-11-12T17:10:00.026-06:00

I don’t understand why married people think being single is better and singletons think being married is better:

-   This is why I go for the in between.

I don’t understand why guys screw around with women who have an “agenda”, yet ignore the girls who don’t:

-   Not all girls are the same and we deserve to be treated separately. I don’t wanna suffer for the dumb shit the girl before me pulled. That hurts our feelings!

I don’t understand that when you mention that you want a relationship most guys take off running..

I don’t understand why guys think just keeping a chick around for sex isn’t going to hurt her or why she wouldn’t end up liking him:

-    If you’re doing it more than 5 times in a 2-3 month period, she WILL like you, it’s inevitable! Limit it to once or twice in 2-3 months and be done, don’t talk about yourself to her or ask her about herself. Girls take that as caring about them. Heelllo!

I don’t understand why guys screw around with women who treat them like crap, then instead of just assessing that it was just the chick who was an ass, they add it to his mountain of baggage and drag the next chick through the trials:

-   Again, we deserve to be treated differently. Learn to read character better and see red flags.

I don’t understand why people get pissed over the dumbest shit:

-   I've got better things to do, don't you?

I don’t understand why people think of themselves first and their friends second:

-   Granted there needs to be times when you need to think of yourself first, but not 80% of the time.

I don’t understand how obvious someone can be when they are in love with another person:

-    If they are constantly going out of their way to do things for you and be there for you, they are in love with you. You’re an idiot if you don’t know this already!

I don’t understand how something as opening a door is so difficult!

I don’t understand how telling someone you care about them is so hard.

I don’t understand why communication between 2 people can be so hard.

I don’t understand that just because you feel a certain way about someone doesn’t mean that same person will follow suit:

-     If you both decide to become friends doesn’t mean that one of you (if not both) will just “automatically” switch off their feelings. If you’re a person/human at all, this will NEVER happen.

Sunday Weekend

2010-11-08T06:19:00.001-06:00

I (of course) worked a loong shift at the airport on Saturday. Discovering the dismay of 2 people wanting to take off the same day as I wanted to, so having to find someone to work for me since I have concert tickets that eve. Stoopid airport, always an issue.

Sunday was good though, went to bed early the night before and had the chance to sleep in late. Had Danny over for a bit to hang out, made lunch, cleaned the filthy 3rd floor of the house (bedroom, bath and the loft), fed the cat, checked Facebook, Twitter, email, work, did ALL of my laundry and dusted the crap out of every stick of furniture.

About 8p made dinner, watched whatever on TV, put the last load of laundry in the dryer and snuggled into bed with the cat to watch Legion on Netflix until I fell asleep around 1am... I love days like this.. I wish I had more..

When Is It My Turn?

2010-11-04T08:17:00.000-05:00

I usually don’t fall into bouts of feeling sorry for myself or how my life turned out etc. Yesterday I was reading some things on Facebook, realizing that quite a few of my friends that had been single are getting engaged or married right now. Now, before I go any further I want to state that I AM TRULY happy for all of them. All of them deserve to be happy and I’ll be the first in line to petition happiness for all of them. With that being said, when I look at me (granted, my life is pretty awesome for the most part) I feel left behind, a bit stagnant, am left feeling “when is it my turn?” Not that I deserve a “turn”, but sometimes I feel as if I will be single forever, not that being single is bad. I certainly don’t get lonely, I sure in the hell don’t miss having to compromise on everything but I do miss doing things with a significant other. Perhaps it would be easier if I weren’t so head strong, so demanding, wanted to get married and have 3.5 kids. Unfortunately I AM very head strong, demanding of myself and others, don’t want to get married and really haven’t given a hell of a lot of thought about having kids, especially since I can’t have them.

I understand that for a lot of these people getting together is based on “connection” not just attraction. That makes sense in my MIND but it also makes me think that perhaps I can’t or don’t connect with people well. There are also people that I KNOW are bonefide assholes, the shittiest people you could possibly deal with and THEY have not only FOUND someone, but have gotten MARRIED and are planning on having children or have children. Yet I try to be the best person I can be, am slow to anger (usually), I have a decent job(s), a beautiful home, great friends and family, yadda, yadda, yadda… yet here I am… single since 33.

Now I’m sure you’re thinking one of two things: 1: Yeah, waaah you whiney baby, shut the hell up! Or 2: Go out and DO something about it then..

1: I don’t whine about this nor (again) do I fall into pits of despair about it. My life is quite good.

2: Yes, I date. A lot, especially this last year. Quite a few of them have had issues with SOMETHING I do. One had issues with me having wine after work sometimes.. (huh?) One had issues with me exercising so much..(an hour 4 days a week?)

Do I go out and actively “look” for guys to date? Nope, that has never been my thing. The guys I like or have dated have either been friends or I have just randomly met and had to get to know. I have never just met someone and thought “hey I wanna hook up with that person..” It usually takes me a couple of dates and he has to do “something”, to get my attention. That takes time.. There have been quite a few guys I’ve met, thought they were nice and just never “connected” with them, they never tripped my trigger, as my Ma says. Nothing wrong with them, they just didn’t do it for me.

Examples: (X)Erik: 1 yr friends, 3.5 yr relationship, (X)Paul: Several years friends, 10 yr relationship,
(X)Brandon: 3 mos friends, 8 mos relationship, So none of these men were random encounters that I just decided to go out with. That just doesn’t happen to me. It took time for me to look at each of them in a different light.

Perhaps I have to be a big asshole to get this person’s attention. My instincts tell me no. My instincts also tell me that whoever it is, is just around the corner and to be patient. A trait I lack.

Sigh

2010-11-03T15:30:00.001-05:00

Some friends and I were talking at work this morning about the financial issues we are having.. Some of us have children and spouses, houses, medical bills, car issues. All of it seems to be piling up. Most of us have borrowed from our parents, borrowed against 401K plans, and sold items just to pay things off. As were talking we were all in agreement that we didn’t feel we got paid enough and some of us are looking if not already have part time jobs which we hope or hoped would make a difference. They are not. Here we are at 10:13am talking about ways we can make more money other than finding higher paying jobs, selling ourselves into prostitution and selling out souls to Satan. I thought the recession was over?

I’ve decided that I want to take a day to sit and go over all my bills, debt and things I have to do and come up with a game plan and get as much of it done as I can before I quit the airport.
*****************************************************
I’ve been slowly recovering from pneumonia. I have a bit to go before I’m up and running at 100%. I’ve managed to get back to the gym. I’ve decided to ease back into it by walking on the treadmill for 30-45mins 3-4 days a week. I still haven’t gotten my appetite back fully. I’ve been eating shit like a handful of chips, spinach dip, granola.. just simple handfuls of random stuff and salads as long as they aren’t too big. I also can’t drink while I’m on my meds, so I’ve given up on drinking for the time being. It’ll save me some money and some inches on the waistline.

Sleep also has been interesting. I usually get about 5 hours a night and lately I’ve been needing 9-10hrs and I still wake up tired. I get hot, then cold, hot, then cold. I also find myself waking up and freaking out about my bills, debt and finances which is typical when I’m feeling sick. Its part of the “overwhelming” feeling I get when I’m not feeling up to par, that and sobbing for no apparent reason. I haven’t done that yet.
*****************************************************
Been thinking about Christmas too. Last year my family and friends all decided that we couldn’t afford to buy each other gifts. I wasn’t very happy about that, but my finances being what they were it was a blessing. This year I definitely want to make an effort to get everyone something for Christmas. I just have to figure out how to do it.

I really hate the holidays and am not looking forward to it. Ick!

I am in process of planning a few things between now and the New Year.

Nov 13th- The Little River band at the Medina with Randy

Dec- The Blenders with Ernesto

January- Winterpalooza at a friend’s cabin with a bunch of girlfriends.

Getting Out of My Own Way

2010-10-22T17:31:00.001-05:00

When it comes to being injured or getting sick, it’s something I just deal with and really don’t talk too much about. When I was growing up, no one really gave shit unless you were bleeding to death or on death’s door with an illness, so you just didn’t make a big deal about a cold or whatever, you just deal with it. As a child, I also never wanted to worry my mother. I have no idea why exactly, I just ever felt that she should have to worry about me since she fretted so much about my father and my two brothers.

Perfect example is when I was in pre-school and developed a bad urinary tract infection. I would cry when I had to use the bathroom, and had a bad discharge from the infection; I kept it to myself. My mother found out when we were at some pre-school function and used the bathroom with me. She saw my underwear and was upset at why I didn’t tell her; why did keep it to myself? I immediately was taken to the doctor and received 2 shots which relieved the whole issue in a matter of days. In my mind, I just didn’t want to worry my mother. I just didn’t.

I picked up an injured cat that was on the side of a road that had been hit by a car. When I picked it up it bit the back of my neck. I didn’t say a word and when my mother was brushing my hair before I went to bed, she noticed the bite. I explained to her what I did and right as rain I was in the doctor’s office the next day. I remember her telling me; not with anger but with hurt, “Why didn’t you just tell me child?” I would feel worse for not telling her. Gah, a child’s guilt!

Anyways, not much has changed in that respect. I did become a bit of a hypochondriac once I recovered from the big “C”, but went right back to the “not telling unless I’m dying or bleeding to death”.. I also, quite honestly don’t expect anyone to really give a shit. People get sick and stuff all the time why would anyone but me give two shits? If I get a cold, I take meds and continue to go to work. If I know I’m contagious or am going to be around a lot of other people I try to stay home past the contagious date, load myself up with meds, then come back to work. Sometimes, like this time specifically, I think it’s onething, and then it turns into something else. I’m not gonna lie, I usually get viral pneumonia every friggin’ year. Something since I recovered from the big “C” leaves me open to it, I didn’t think this time would be any different. I had a fever of over 100 since last Monday. When I went in I was told I had a simple chest cold, so I loaded up on cold meds and dealt with it for 8 days. By the following Monday I was so achy, sleep was becoming impossible. I stopped eating, I was drinking but none of it was coming out and my cough was persistent. Tuesday I skipped part of the day to go to the Dr for I was so fatigued and tired I could hardly move. I described to the Dr what I had been dealing with and she arched her eyebrow and said she wanted me tested for strep, influenza and pneumonia. We did a rapid, a culture, 2 (looong) swabs up my nose and my mouth, and 2 sets of x-rays of my chest. Everything came back negative with the exception of the x-rays which had shown a thick haze of white over each lung. Bacterial pneumonia-Great!

The plan was to come back in 48 hrs after given some anti-biotics to see if I reacted to them positively, if not, I get to be admitted to the hospital. Great! A shot of penicillin in the rear, then a “Z pak”. The goal for the time being is to get the fever down below 100 as much as possible, come back on Thursday to check progress.

I went back yesterday and had everything re checked and my x-rays were the same, no movement, but my fever had broken for the most part so no hospital for me. My Dr. didn’t like my wheezing so prescribed an inhaler of anti-botics and some pills for my cough. I’m due to go back in next week to have my chest re-x-rayed to see if I’m getting better. I asked my Dr about work and going out, what she’d recommend. She told me that under no circumstances I should be doing any physical activity, no drinking (alcohol) and if I get tired I need to go home and rest. Other than that, if I felt fine enough to go work on Friday, then I should go, that if any of my jobs have issue with my absence to call her.

So there it is.. My own doing.. I think for the past couple of years, I’ve been burning the candle at both ends, granted I’m not 25 yrs old anymore, so I need to be kinder to myself, including being able to admit to myself when I’m not feeling well. So some of those changes that I had spoken about in a previous entry will have to take place in the next 60 days, I am scared as hell but am resigned to it, for there is gonna be one time that I miscalculate my own strength..

The Great Northwestern Spotted Ferret Bat

2010-10-14T15:44:00.000-05:00

I used to think these shitty little creatures were real!

Catty Bullshit

2010-10-12T01:36:00.000-05:00

Recently I posted a compliment the CEO of one the companies I work for said to me. Granted he was just being nice and I thought it was a lovely thing to say, so I posted it just to acknowledge that I was touched by the compliment. CEO’s usually have better things to do, really..

Well a person that I used to call a “friend” called me and said that they felt as if they might vomit and “vomit in their mouth” because of the compliment. I laughed and joked about it, explaining the reason he gave me the compliment. They said it again; I again laughed it off and didn’t think anything of it.

Well, then every time this person came by, they felt they had to mention it. Saying shit like “.. well we all know how perfect you are..” and “ how perfect you think you are..” I continued to laugh it off. Then things started to get nasty. They would come by just to insult me and then it was what I was wearing..

Last week, I finally had enough. They came by and made another comment about how “perfect” I was and I laughed it off making a joke about how I’m God and my name means God, so if they insult me, they insult God. They made another “you’re perfect” comment, and then I started to get mad. They made a comment about how they liked my shirt, I said thank you and then they started to comment about my shoes as I was walking away, I turned to say something they commented about how ugly my shoes were. I told them to shut it and when I returned from my errand, I promptly erased them from Facebook. This person I decided that I don’t need around, if they are going to attack me. They are older than me and I honestly thought we were beyond this type of behavior. I went back to my rule, they can’t respect my feeling etc, done and gone. I haven’t’ spoken to them since, nor do I have plans to. This is crap I simply will no longer have time for, period.

One other note, one of my “boys” emailed me and told me that he has been working on starting up his own business and to be patient. That if I needed him, he was available on FB.. I thought that was interesting and I would be lying if I didn’t say I was happily amused by it.

What I Learned Along the Way

2010-10-05T17:06:00.006-05:00

Very busy since I’ve been back and trust me if it weren’t for a few people I love and my house, I wouldn’t have; and I don’t even like Arizona. I came back to the chaos that is my life; I think I started experiencing that just as I was leaving for the airport.

Anyways, I did miss my friends etc. I missed the smell of my house, my own bed, my cat and the silence.

I didn’t have a ton of time out there to contemplate and work out everything I wanted, some of it, well, will just take longer to work itself out. As the weeks progress I have slowly begun to unfold some of it.

1: Issue with my age. This was something I was able to get over, well, mostly. I figure, I look good now and if later shit starts to fall, droop etc, I’ll just get it taken care of. I’ve come to terms that there’s not much I can do about it, and I just look pathetic trying to. So, here it is… 40! Ta-da!

2: Issue with my weight as it is. I’ve been screwing around with my diet and exercise routine and so I’m going back on what I had been on for 4 years. Granted it’s been an issue getting back on the wagon because of my super busy schedule and unpredictable hours, but I’m trying to figure out how to work it all in. I’m deciding that I’ll probably go sleep deprived for a bit or be running on those dark, country roads at 3am when my insomnia hits. I’ve spent waay too much time on lifting 3 days a week and not any time running, which is what helps me sleep, relax and it sorts my brain out to where I can think clearly.

3: Issues with guys: Granted I still hate being called a cougar and shit. I’ve decided not to date right now and have dropped my “boys” because they are too much bullshit for me to handle. One is an asshole, arrogant, I can barely stand to be around him and have a “no talking” rule when he's around. I really hate him and truthfully I just have no time for that anymore. The other is quite lovely and am quite smitten with him but he’s so damn busy traveling that when I want him to stop over he’s never around. We’ve danced around the idea of dating but when I’m out of sight, I’m out of mind. So, with that I've decided that I’m tired of dealing with the bullshit, so I’m done.

4: “the Dude”: yeah, this is one that’s going to take a looong time. Whew, that's a tough one. Dealing with a bit of some jealousy issues right now. His attention goes in all sorts of directions when he has been drinking and of course when I have to, it's hard to watch him flirt and not have it bother me. Funny how I think I’ve experienced every kind of hurt, and then I get blind sided. I know it’s not done on purpose, I don’t tell him, so it’s not like he knows. I do know he cares about me a great deal, we are friends, that’s the best he can do so I’m fine with that. He’s been through a great deal and if I have anything to say (which I do, thank you very much) his life should be a bit easier, you know?

5: Work (both jobs): I’m looking at changing both of these. Quitting one and changing up the other. I’m EXTREMELY unhappy with how much time I spend at work and hardly any time doing anything else. After 4 years of working 2 jobs I’ve had it and would like to throw in the towel, so I’m looking at options.

6: The House: This one is the most difficult. I really want to keep it but the struggle to do so is taking up my life. I’ve spent 3-4 years trying to get this settled and just when it seems that I’m getting somewhere… Right now I’m in a deal with the bank to pay a certain amount before the 5th of each month until January. Then they will “consider” cutting my payment down by $200. a month. I have painfully decided that if they reject me I’m going to drop the house and spend my “year” (how long it will take to toss me out) paying off my debt, then The Kat and I will just get an apt together in the city or something. I’ve spent a considerable amount of time and energy trying to afford this place, trying to work it out even though I was the one who got fucked in the deal. I’ve decided that it’s not worth spending another year attempting to sort something out that simply can’t be sorted.

7: School: One of the reasons I’d like to quit my part time job is to allow more time to study. Granted I usually don’t have to crack a book open for much these days but there are things here that I should not be speed reading through. (yep, now you know my secret!)I really want to get an education here and it seems that this is speeding right by me and I’m not acknowledging it.

8: People: Seems I’ve been a bit light on what I’ll put up with and what I won’t. Granted this was/is the hardest thing for me to work out. It’s mostly due to going through this “mid-life crisis” thing. I’ve been feeling insecure and part of that is letting people walk over me a bit too much, to the point that I’m sacrificing my own feelings about things and doing things I don’t want to. This is going to stop. I’m going to piss off people and break off friendships, but I feel it’s worth not having the hurt feelings I end up with at the end of the day. Usually I put my friends before me, some of these people have put themselves first and me last. This can’t happen anymore. I used to drop people who aren’t considerate enough to consider my feelings. I’m going back to that; I don’t need to put up with it, period.

Friend MEME (copied from Tiff)

2010-09-30T07:55:00.002-05:00

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

Kami-O- That I let “EVERYTHING” get to me..aka the empathy piece

D- I don’t really hate anything. Maybe my tendency to procrastinate.

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

Kami-O – My very odd sense of humor and ability to connect to people

D – My very odd sense of humor

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Kami-O – The huge shit I was in my twenties.

D – Being selfish and leaving my family/friends back in Texas, and the huge shit I am in my twenties.

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

Kami-O –My ex’s for cheating on me and my father for being a jackhole

D – ?

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

Kami-O – To become financially stable and retire in Montana

D – Find my purpose

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

Kami-O – Grow old (like Peter Pan)

D – Make a decision on if someone should live or not..like in a hospital situation

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.

Kami-O– There’s a few I could name.. Paul is one..

D – This dude, His name starts with J

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

Kami-O – Beth and few people I no longer consider friends

D – Not worth mentioning

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

Kami-O – not anyone really, I keep in touch with who I want in my life.

D – I don’t know, I have tons, like all my old friends.

Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

Kami-O – There’s a couple …

D – Not sure

Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

Kami-O – How I don’t look 40 or act like I’m 40

D – My eyes

Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.

Kami-O – My fashion sense.. It’s a cross between rock ‘n’ roll, Stevie Nicks and a cowgirl

D – My driving. ahem

Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days.

Kami-O– Fleetwood Mac and AC/DC

D – Rolling Stones, Nine Inch Nails, Colbie Callait

Day 14 → A hero that has let you down.

Kami-O – Idol maybe: Gunnar Nelson.. caught him doing what he said he didn’t do..and the Easter Bunny.

D – Santa

Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

Kami-O– Music, and a few of the men in my life.. Paul is one of them

D – Family

Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.

Kami-O – Debt.

D – Agrees w/Kami-O. Debt.

Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

Kami-O – Eat, Pray, Love by Liz Gilbert and Meeting Your Half Orange by Amy Spencer

D – The Bible

Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.

Kami-O – Absolutely!

D – No comment

Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

Kami-O – I’m not of any specific religion nor do I believe in it, I’m a spiritual person though. Politics? I go with who I feel I can relate to certain issues.

D – They are both BS. Not that I don’t worship, but I think both as organizations are BS.

Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.

Kami-O – Drugs: No , Alcohol- yes, please!!!

D – Hmmm…

Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

Kami-O – I’d disregard the fight and be concerned about my friend.

D – Be there for my b/f.

Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

Kami-O – Cheated on some of my ex’s, been a complete shit in my twenties

D – Not wasted so much money in college.

Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.

Kami-O – Finished my music degree and became an Orchestral musician

D – Volunteer more

Day 24 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

Kami-O – to help people

D – I don’t know

Day 25 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Kami-O – Yeah, when my folks were splitting up and when Erik and I split (the first time)

D– Maybe

Day 26 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?

Kami-O– The fact that I’m seeing a ton of potential for me once I grad from college

D – Partying on the weekends, baby! Err…

Day 27 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

Kami-O – Cry.. I can’t have children.. It’d be a literal miracle

D – Not sure

Day 28 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

Kami-O – Stop putting up with drama and crap I don’t need in my life

D – Show my caring side more

Phoenix- The Sun

2010-09-29T23:45:00.010-05:00

For quite some time I’d been teasing my friends in Phoenix about coming out there for a visit. Things had gotten pretty stressful here in Minnesota so I figured, screw it; I’d take a vacation out there, sleep, get some rest and figure out a few things while I visit some of my friends.

Day 1- Thursday: I left Minnesota around 6am to arrive exhausted in Phoenix around 9am. My ex-Jim picks me up and drops me off at his apt and goes back to work while I crash until 4:30p. I try to log in for class and realize that my timing was off and I missed class by an hour (2 hours back not 1!) but thankfully it was my last session for that class. Waited for Jim to get home and went to see Resident Evil in 3D at the Phoenix IMAX with Jim, Jim’s cousin Bud, Bud’s sister Holly and her husband Chris. Dumbest movie I’ve EVER seen, but funniest parts:

- Bud trying to “straighten” out the 3D words on the screen

- Chris announcing that porn should be in 3D

- Jim and I commenting about some of the crappy 3D effects, you could almost envision the stick attached to the plane in some of the scenes.

Temp: 106

Day 2- Friday: Bummed around downtown Tempe with Jim’s mom. Went shopping, took some pictures, ran errands and went to lunch. Later on Jim and I went out with Bud to Happy Hour to a cool bar Interstate 51 I think it was called. Best burger I’ve ever had. Drank until 2am, then over to Bud’s so the guys could play video games. I passed out around 3am and the guys around 5 or 6am..

Temp: 104

Day 3-Saturday: Bud brings Jim and I home around noon. We hung around until about 4:30p went Jim dropped me off at Bill and Tiff’s. It was Amanda’s birthday, so I went out to dinner with them to celebrate. We ate, drank and talked, then went back to Bill and Tiff’s and drank some more. Fell asleep around 1am..

Temp: 106

Day 4-Sunday: Hung out at Bill and Tiff’s, talked, ate, watched movies, relaxed.

Temp: 111

Day 5-Monday: Tiff took me back to Jim’s to grab a few things. Showered, changed and she and I worked from her house. We both quite working around 4 or 5p.. I called Jim to come get me and we went out for wings and beer at the Native New Yorker. Managed to melt the heel of my sandal walking the block and a half.. Odd stuff.

Temp: 106

Day 6- Tuesday: Went swimming, hung out at Jim’s apt. Once Jim got home we walked down to Applebee’s, had dinner (wings and beer) and then went to the Applebee’s across town and got drunk on beer and “perfect” margarita’s. Took a cab back to Jim’s and we both passed out.

Temp: 101

Day 7- Wednesday: Swam, hung out all day and slept. Jim came home, MADE dinner for us, and then we sat around and watched Hell’s Kitchen until we fell asleep.

Temp: 104

Day 8- Thursday: Swam, read, walked down to Starbuck’s and worked, then back to Jim’s to do laundry, pack and clean. Went back to Starbuck’s, logged into class, attended, met Jim outside an hour before my plane was to leave. Jim dropped me off at sky harbor, printed my ticket, checked in my bag, ran to my gate, boarded and settled in the for 3.5 hr flight back to Minnesota. Mum and Pop picked me up and dropped me off at Farmington Billiards to pick up the car. By the time I got home and into bed it was 2am.. hello home!

Temp: 104 in Phoenix at 5:30p

Temp: 62 in Minnesota at 11:50p

Empathy

2010-08-25T17:05:00.001-05:00

Merriam Webster's Dictionary defines "empathy" as
1: the imaginative projection of a subjective state into an object so that the object appears to be infused with it

2: the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner; also : the capacity for this

My friend's definition is that he feels empathy is bullshit for everyone's experience, even if it's the same situation, is different because each person is different. Granted I wouldn't say his interpretation of the word is too off base, he's going by the book, literally with his definition. Which I would agree but I say empathy is having the ability to relate on a level as close as you possibly can to someone's situation. granted the experiences are different but you should still be able to relate on a "human" emotional level.
The ability to put yourself in another person's shoes...literally.To show empathy is to identify with another's feelings. It is to emotionally put yourself in the place of another. The ability to empathize is directly dependent on your ability to feel your own feelings nad the other person's and identify them.

My definition is a bit more modern...Proper empathetic engagement helps one to understand and anticipate the behavior of another. The automatic tendency to recognise the emotions of others, one may also deliberately engage in empathic reasoning.Empathy involves understanding the emotional states of other people, the way it is characterized is derivative of the way emotions themselves are characterized. If, for example, emotions are taken to be centrally characterized by bodily feelings, then grasping the bodily feelings of another will be central to empathy. On the other hand, if emotions are more centrally characterized by a combination of beliefs and desires, then grasping these beliefs and desires will be more essential to empathy. The ability to imagine oneself as another person is a sophisticated imaginative process. However the basic capacity to recognize emotions is probably innate and may be achieved unconsciously. Yet it can be trained, and achieved with various degrees of intensity or accuracy.

I can, I suppose, attempt to put myself into another person's shoes, even though I cannot do it literally since we do not all experience situations, emotions and feelings the same. I do "feel" (not physically) other people's pain, anger, extreme happiness (to the point it feels like pain) It becomes emotionally exhausting to me at times, but I have learned to "reel it in"or keep it at arm's length or I'd go crazy.. It's not a "gypsy" thing or a psychic thing but a very real thing. The closest I can compare it to is "instinct" or a connection. When you know something is going to happen to that person, you can see it in your mind and feel it. When a friend is upset and you get upset because they are, that's empathy. I know people who have it so badly that they can't watch intense horror or sad movies/TV shows because they get too involved with the characters emotions.

To get a better idea of what I'm talking about watch Dan in Real Life and watch the "non verbal" interaction between Steve Carrell, the kids, and Juliette Binoche..

The Turmoil from Within

2010-08-25T14:25:00.005-05:00

When I was a young, I was a fairly confident girl. I figured had enough time to do all the things I wanted to do. Totally ignorant to the concepts of failing or not measuring up to other people, I was just working or going to school, living my life. I never had a father that used to tell me that I was the most beautiful girl in the world and I didn't care, for I didn't miss it. When I was in grade school I would put on shows for my class and eventually my grade where I would sing Shawn Cassidy songs to my classmates. Sometimes to ridicule and teasing and sometimes not. I was a tough little kid. I remember spefically playing a game with a little boy and I didn't know the rules. He didn't want to explain them to me so I created my own. He quickly pointed out that I was cheating and was mean because I wouldn't explain the rules. I looked him right in the eye and said, "well, you wouldn't tell me and now you know how I feel.." Pretty savvy for a 2nd grader I think.

Somewhere along the line that changed. I reached an age where I started to give shit about what people thought. I started to feel inadequate, unsure and "uncool" because I didn't wear the "right" clothes, didn't date, I was too fat or too thin, didn't wear my hair a certain way, didn't "behave" a certain way. See I'd been living inside my own world of imagination, whimsy, and then (snap) just like that, I felt at odds with everyone. The sad truth of it was that I knew there was much more to the world than this lame suburb of wannabe rich kids. I remember telling a boy this when I asked him to go out with me. He hung out with me after school but refused to acknowledge me while in school, which confused the hell out of me. He explained that I simply wasn't "cool enough" to be his g-friend and he was looking at going out with someone else. I remember asking if he was kidding and if he really thought this was what it was like once school was over; once we graduated? I assured him that it there was a whole big world out there and it didn't matter what we wore, who hung out with who, and what exactly was cool anyways? He didn't know, but I did! I knew I was cool because, well, I was me and there is only one!

Then once in college and I started to play shows I started to really think that I'd found my gift, my calling in life. I loved it! It was hard but fun and rewarding, plus the things I had learned! I couldn't get enough! Then my best friend at the time told me that there was nothing special about what I was doing, that she could do it if given the chance. Being a "faux" rockstar was easy. Why was I going to school to be an Orchestral player if all I really wanted to do was play rock n' roll? I didn't have an answer at the time, not until 3 year when I figured out that once I learned the "formalities" of writing and playing, I'd realize that writing and playing rock n' roll is much easier than writing an hour long Symphony in Bachian style. I was shattered. If she could actually do it, then what the hell was I doing it for? Why did I care? I didn't realize until much later that yes, I wanted the ability to do something special too.

I've lost that confidence since. I’m having to fight like hell to get it back. I have to keep reminding myself of how far I’ve come in 40 years. I'm 40 dammit, there's a certain amount of "something" that comes with that, right? I've given up things during that time, done things that I hate doing and seem to be on a continual ride of doing things I hate... jobs, people, situtations, relationships. I feel that if I just give it all up something bad will come of it but as someone told me it's the first step that is scary and the rest will fall into place.

I realize that I'm going through something, something that comes with this number - 4 0. I need to take the time to figure out what my issue is. Deal with or at the very most, resolve my insecurities and put this away for good. For the age thing is simply something I can't change, I'm not and cannot become younger. I can only take care of what I have for now. I'm putting a deadline on quitting the things I'm involved in that I hate. I've always used the reasoning that I don't want to be selfish and only think of myself, but I need to be happy and I'm not. So I'm going to Arizona. I'm going to sleep, run, swim, hike, visit with good friends and get in touch with me and when I come back some changes will be made.

Confidence is something we’re all encouraged to have, what we need to have and I'm always a work in progress when it comes to that. Lately it's been a struggle to maintain and in some instances I haven't cared. I need to get back the confidence that no matter what decision I make, that I have to have the confidence to know that I will be ok. That things will turn out fine and I can go back to having the life I used to have. Perhaps I can go back and remember that young confident girl who believed that she could do anything...and did.

Love, Love, Love

2010-08-16T23:03:00.003-05:00

Have I found it? Nah, but Ree has posted a photography (challenge? contest?) to photograph things about or with LOVE..
I prolly won't win nor will I submit.. I think I'll just do it to do it..

20 Questions-copied from Heather....

2010-08-05T21:12:00.005-05:00

When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing that you thought?

Hey?! How in the hell did that get there?!

Do you miss anyone right now? Ahh, sure but he doesn't care, so it doesn't matter.

If you could move anywhere else, would you? Sure, Nashville or Paris..

If you could choose, what would your last meal be? Burger, fries, shake and cheesecake

What famous person, dead or alive, would you want to have lunch with?

Stevie Nicks and Jim Morrison

What was the last book you read? Why We Buy-The Science of Shopping. Shaddup it's for school!

What was the last movie you watched?
"High Fidelity"...So, I'm a Cusack fan, if he's single, then I'm looking.

What was the last song you heard? "Naughty Girl" by Beyonce

What’s your dream vacation? Prolly Mexico with my BFF's and some hot Latino guy rubbing my feet on the beach whilst a drink in hand...

What is the next trip you’ll take? Prolly to Wisconsin to see Hensch!

Did you ever go to camp? Nope, I did other stuff, like summer school, dance, track, gymnastics, aerobics.

Have you ever been in love? Christ, see my last entry then we'll talk.

What do you want to know about the future? It looks promising...considering..

Where is your best friend? Who? I got like 4!

How is your best friend? They are all doing well... No one is starving or in peril.

Who is the biggest gossiper you know? ?

What does your last text message say? "Umm, Princess, did you know that someone left the door open to the stalls and the royal Uni's escaped?"... yeah, it was Paul.. yes, we are weird! hee!
What are 3 things you’ve always wanted to do, that you still plan to accomplish? Make more $$$ so I can stop working so much and actually have a life... a b-friend would be nice..

What is one thing you’ve learned from your parents? having a sense of humor and sense of self are both good things

What is one thing you hope to teach your own children?
I don't want any but if I did it would to put others before yourself.

The Things That Make Us

2010-08-05T20:39:00.002-05:00

I was watching “High Fidelity” the other night and was coming to similar conclusions that John Cusack did in the film. I think we all have a Top 5, the 5 that completely fuck us up. His were a bit more juvenile, I mean, I don’t count anyone in junior high, or the first guy I kissed or had sex with. The guy I was engaged to in high school isn’t even remotely in my Top 5 nor did he fuck up my mind in anyway, he was just an ass.

Do I agree that we should all have that one person that fucks us up royally? That person who makes us second guess ourselves, makes us feel that life can’t get any better when we are around them, the same person who can make you cry at the drop of a hat with a simple look. When they feel bad, you feel bad. I don’t think anybody should have that, but I think most of us do. I do agree with Marie de Salle (Lisa Bonet); “why should I be denied a human basic need (sex) just because of that asshole?”

Does my Top 5 make me who I am? Yeah, they do. Do they prevent me from making the same mistakes? No. I don’t think I made a mistake in loving them or picking them/ them picking me. They are all great guys; for someone else. I’m a hard nut to crack, but am not hard to please. I think I simply wore them out with my bickering. I think the reason they did what they did in our relationship was based on their lack of communication and my insecurity and bickering. Do I take that information (things I’ve learned) and apply it to the next relationship? No. I don’t. Here’s why..

1.    Each guy is a different person: Erik is completely different than Paul who’s different than Brandon.. Erik was more moody and creative, Paul was/is very “zen” like and protective, Brandon was very much a hippy. It wouldn’t be fair to throw rules and MY insecurities on them. I didn’t communicate well with Erik, because I didn’t feel I could. I communicated great with Paul and Brandon because they encouraged it. All of them accepted me for me (sort of) and called me out when needed.

2.    Each relationship is different: My relationship with Erik was very creative and fun with spots of moodiness and jealousy (on his part). Paul and I “flowed” better because we’d known each other for a looong time before we dated and he brought out my goofiness and vice versa. "the Dude", I can't talk to really at all, because he has deep baggage from relationships past but makes me laugh when he isn't pissing me off.

3.    Common Denominator: The common thing they had between them was me. Each one of them cheated. On all occasions I broke up with them because of it, with the exception of Paul who I felt should have another chance. There were mitigating circumstances in why though, it wasn’t something I freely decided on. "the Dude", we never really had a relationship even though we behaved like b-friend/g-friend most of the time.

4.    Picking the “bad” boy: I usually pick the “long haired, rocker” guy, the creative dude who is moody, tortured and lives within his head, with piercings and tattoos. Yeah, I know, prolly not the best choice, but I don’t want to hear another guy I’m dating say “Yeah, I really hate tattoos on girls..”

So my “living on a desert island” , all time Top 5 (in chronological order, of course):

1.    Brandon Lenz- He was my guitar teacher and we were together for 8 months. He broke up with me for a stripper named Wendy who was “more his age”. I was 19 and he was 27 (I think)..

2.    Erik – together for about 3 ½ yrs in college (first college boyfriend) and I caught him making out with my college roommate. After much crying and debate I broke it off with him and moved away from her. Took me 4 years to get over it and in that time I went through guys like underwear.. Next to “the Dude”, this hurt worse than anything I can remember.

3.    Paul – Dated, broke up, dated long distance, lived together, broke up, got back together, planned on getting married, never did it …..and broke up. Lasted about 10 years and that was 7 years ago. Took about a year to switch from fiancée to friend.. Now are friends, more like family and we talk several times a day. Made the break up a bit easier on the heart; for both of us.

4.    “the Dude”-Met in a bar, had sex for 6 months (which was good btw), never wanted to date or have a relationship with me, decided to be friends, now…pisses me off almost on a daily basis because… I can’t have him and he really doesn’t want me.. Sadness and misery on a stick..

5.    Yeah, I know I don’t have 5….do I? I’m sure it’s coming… :/

I’d like to think that since I’ve gotten older things would have changed, gotten more sophisticated, guys less selfish and self absorbed. My skin a bit thicker. My instincts; sharper, better, more pronounced. There seems to be that “common denominator” in each one; other than just me. The fact that each one has cheated or wanted to. I wish I could just figure out what it was that makes this happen, other than me choosing the wrong guys. Granted there have been a plethora of nice, young, men who were great.
Jim, Christian, Sam, Brent, Billy, Nick, Matt and Chris-John.. They were all very nice, we had a nice time and for whatever reason he broke up with me or I broke up with them, cheating by both parties, blah, blah… Perhaps these guys are the reason the above 4 happened…Something to figure out I guess.

Separation between Church (Love) and State (Sex)

2010-08-02T10:58:00.002-05:00

I seem to be having to explain this a lot lately. It’s a situation/ideal that several of my immediate girlfriends and I share. I think I was the one who actually dubbed it though.

-> It coincides with this recent entry..<-

Church (Love, Relationships, Commitment)

This equates emotional connection to me..so does the definitions

• a strong positive emotion of regard and affection; "his love for his work"; "children need a lot of love"

• any object of warm affection or devotion; "the theater was her first love"; "he has a passion for cock fighting";

• have a great affection or liking for; "I love French food"; "She loves her boss and works hard for him"

• beloved: a beloved person; used as terms of endearment

• get pleasure from; "I love cooking"

• a deep feeling of sexual desire and attraction; "their love left them indifferent to their surroundings"; "she was his first love"

• be enamored or in love with; "She loves her husband deeply"

• a score of zero in tennis or squash; "it was 40 love"

• sleep together: have sexual intercourse with; "This student sleeps with everyone in her dorm"; "Adam knew Eve"; "Were you ever intimate with this man?"

• sexual love: sexual activities (often including sexual intercourse) between two people; "his lovemaking disgusted her"; "he hadn't had any love in months"; "he has a very complicated love life"

State (Sex)

This does not equate any emotion, even the definitions show this.

• sexual activity: activities associated with sexual intercourse; "they had sex in the back seat"

• either of the two categories (male or female) into which most organisms are divided; "the war between the sexes"

• arouse: stimulate sexually; "This movie usually arouses the male audience"

• all of the feelings resulting from the urge to gratify sexual impulses; "he wanted a better sex life"; "the film contained no sex or violence"

• tell the sex (of young chickens)

• the properties that distinguish organisms on the basis of their reproductive roles; "she didn't want to know the sex of the fetus"

Odd that I seem to be working a lot for the State this year. :(

Bobby's Birthday and Dangerous Toys

2010-08-01T10:47:00.001-05:00

Everyone should have fun and be allowed to get totally shit faced on the their 40th birthday. SO SAY I! 40 is hard, at least it was for me. Bobby will whip thru it like a breeze, she's cool like that. She also was having a good time and it is deserved. Happy 40th my friend!

Dangerous Toys? I saw 5 mins worth of them before Kat and I left. I had 3 Capt and Diet's at the Pickle, ate before I left AND when I was there and felt sicker than shit. I couldn't shake it. Headache, nausea, the urge to sleep or pass out, even though I wasn't remotely tipsy or drunk! Kat took me home and I dealt with it there. Paul then asked to come over and hang with us, so he did. He rubbed both our feets, rubbed my head and within an hour I was fine. I swear if I didn't know any better I 'd think someone put something in my drink.

Paul now over, Kat, he and I hung out and drank halfsies and laughed our asses off. I haven't seen him in about 3 months so he asked to borrow my baby (Fender tele), got to see my latest tat, my new glasses, what Kat has done to the room, now that's she's moved in and my latest musical idea (which he thinks is long over do!) He played with our boy (Gabriel the cat) and left so we all could be to bed around 5am for he was worried that I wouldn't get enough sleep before work. Crappy night that ended on an unexpected, brighter note.
Thanks guys!