Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Thanks Lena Dunham

            I've been reading a lot about the Cosby situation and quite a few articles about rape; what it is, what defines it, what can be done to protect and inform..
I've rarely spoken about my situation(s) because I didn't handle it properly and now at 45 it’s just been accepted as a part of my life.  People seem to have an over inflated, exaggerated idea of what it is and I can say that I, myself have what I consider a clear idea of what it is. 

My first sexual experience wasn't memorable, I do remember pain, what I was wearing (a red and white striped dress), where I started out, where it happened and where I ended up.  If I hadn't been drinking, it would have made all the difference. I would have gone home at midnight none the wiser. I chose to drink, and drink too much. I felt tired so I crawled downstairs, into a chair with a blanket and passed out-alone.  Next thing I know I’m under a stairwell and some guy (who I didn't even know) was on top of me. I tried to get him off of me and even told him no. I even tried to get up and he put his hand over my face and pushed me down.  When he was finished he noticed I was bleeding quite a bit. He went and grabbed a friend to help him. They put my clothes on (because they thought they “killed” me) and tried to stuff my 100lb frame into a clothes dryer and left me there. I woke up several hours later, feeling dark and cramped.. Managed to get myself out and realized my dress was completely covered in blood. My best friend helped me wash up and get home.  I bled for several days after, too afraid to tell my folks what happened because I wasn't supposed to be drinking; I even didn't know who did it. Once I figured out who it was I confronted him and he barely acknowledged he did anything wrong.

 It happened again while in college except this time it was a person I considered a friend. We’d both had been drinking and instead of him taking me home he parked his SUV on an ice covered lake, and tossed me in the back. I put up a fight; screaming, scratching and punching. I managed to get the door open and was horrified to find I was on ice. He threw me back in, finished, and took me home. When speaking to mutual friends of ours I mentioned what he did to me. The response was that he” just wasn't that kind of guy”, that “he could any girl he wanted”. Someone even mentioned all the scratches, bruises etc. this guy had on him but didn't put two and two together. I immediately dropped the topic clearly knowing that I wouldn't get any support. Now I yes, I was drinking and I shouldn't have been in either case. Perhaps I needed to be more knowledgeable at age 15 and at 22. I DO know I never did anything to provoke them. I didn't dress provocatively or make suggestive comments. I know it wasn't my fault and I didn't report either one because getting the school and cops involved would have made it worse; my parents would have made it worse. It would have been this huge hassle and draw attention to myself which I didn't want.

I've mentioned these instances in forums and a couple of men told me that I should have been educated at age 15. Quite frankly it pissed me off. While they might be right, it struck me as being apathetic, and made me question how I would have been educated? Would it have been appropriate for my parents to tell me to watch out for boys for they may try to rape me? Not to be friends with the neighborhood boys because they can’t control themselves? That I have to be guarded around my male friends for they might jump me when I’m at my weakest or incapacitated? I have two step-daughters, what do I tell them? I don’t want to have to tell a 16 year old that going to parties with boys or going into a room with a boy may mean he might lose control and rape her. I think this is ridiculous. I think it starts out with parenting. My parents raised my brothers and I to never take advantage of or be mean to others. My brothers were raised to be good, honest men and I can say without doubt, my brothers have never done this to a woman nor would they. They were raised to treat women with respect and no means no; period. That being passed out drunk isn't an invitation for sex. That even if a woman says yes and she’s under the influence of something, they are respectful enough to decline. So when these men tell me that I needed to be educated; I say, Fuck you. Perhaps these men are shitty adults because their parents raised them to be self-serving, disrespectful, and unkind. There is a moral compass in these men that tells them that they are doing something unethical and they are blatantly ignoring it.

I think it’s funny now that Madonna and Lena Dunham have come out with their stories and people are going insane saying that inappropriate touching is now a form of rape. Um, no, it’s not. It’s just inappropriate touching.  I've heard stories about guys and girls teasing each other and things happening. If you’re constantly getting naked, getting on top of guys and teasing, then I feel you get what you deserve.  Wearing low cut shirts, high skirts, flashing your ass is not a reason to rape someone. There are a ton of gray areas involving this I’m sure, but let’s not get insane. Touching its touching; not rape or anything else, so people calm the eff down.
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