Tuesday, July 24, 2012

What if Feels Like, Compared to What it Really is...

At this moment you feel utter loneliness. This deep sense that you’re all alone in this world and that your life doesn’t matter as much to anyone else as it matters to you. And you don’t know why that feels so bad but it just does. You find yourself saying shit like “If it was meant to happen it would have happened already” and actually meaning it.

And maybe it has something to do with the fact that your parents are happily married, married in their 60’s and you feel like you’re 42 going on 80 and the next 5 years somehow seem crucial to finding someone. The mid-life crisis is starting and you’ll soon be old; older than you look. Those wrinkles will start to appear and you will feel out of touch and out of synch with the rest of the world. Then you find yourself getting pissed for needing to be, well, needed for once.

You really do like living alone, in your beautiful house, with your books, music, writings and things that are you. In the scheme of it all your life is pretty damn great and you find yourself get pissed for being lame and ungrateful. You still can’t seem to meet anyone who gives you butterflies or makes you excited or makes you feel anything. And you’re starting to worry if it’s something inside you that’s broken or fucked up somehow for everyone you meet seems to be this rotating door of faces.

You don’t want to even care about it anymore but something inside you still doesn’t want to give up the “dream”; that inner romantic and you wonder if there really is such a thing anymore. You want to be the person who says, “it’ll happen when it happens” and mean it, to relax about it all and sometimes you are that person but not today, not right now. So you give yourself a couple of hours to feel sorry for yourself,  then decide to let it go at least long enough to get through the rest of the day.

The next morning you wake up, go about your life and try not to hold on so tightly to the things you simply can’t control. You start to go back and remember all the things that are instilled in you; that it WILL happen damn it, that someone will come along and turn the lights on, make the world spin a bit faster, make colors brighter, and those songs that spoke of love, the ones you thought were always so stupid and dumb, will finally make sense.. You’ll sigh at the innate sense of “this is what it’s supposed to be like”. That puzzle piece that will fit so perfectly that you wonder what the hell you did before and finally look forward to what will happen in the future. You feel secure about exposing your idiosyncrasies and know that person will understand, and appreciate them as being you. After all this time you will feel that you can be vulnerable with another person and not worry about being judged or feel insecure or stupid, but know they will love you even more then they had before. That you don’t feel insecure or unworthy but are equal and stand tall and evenly with this person as a unit and partnership.

And it sinks in that what everyone had told you was true.. that he finally got off the couch that day and found you!

XO Thanks CW!!
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