Tuesday, September 06, 2011

ad nauseam

   I was watching “The Adjustment Bureau” last night and starting thinking about chemistry. That connection. That fit. That match. Whatever you want to call it, it’s so hard to describe and virtually impossible to define. That moment when you meet someone and something sparks. You can feel the beginnings of something. The conversation flows, it’s witty and flirty, and you can feel something  buzzing like fireflies between you both.…then…. before it gets out of the gate……it’s gone... So elusive and yet, at least in my experience, rare that it works out past that. It just seems no one wants to get to know anyone anymore.


I spend way too much time on guys who simply aren’t right for me. I know I’ve talked about it ad nauseam so I won’t go into it again, but I’ve been working on it and plan on working harder at “self control”, being more patient (instead of when I want it, I go after it) and if it’s not right letting it go. I need to get back to a place where I can find some comfort in who I am, what I look like and what I want. I’m not perfect. I fuck up (A LOT) and make mistakes. I’m human. It’s a work in progress. But I’m changing. Trying not to be so forgiving, not putting myself “out there” so much, letting go when it’s doesn’t work out and not compromising what I want and don't want. I just want to meet someone and feel that it’s gonna go somewhere other than the bedroom. I want to feel excited about seeing someone, spending time with them.. Sometimes I think I’m too picky. I don’t really have a checklist, I don’t have ridiculous standards. It’s not that he has to know how to ballroom dance (that’d be cool though). My only 2 requirements are humor and I have to be attracted to them, which could be anything. What I’m picky about is how it feels. How does he make me feel? What kind of a person am I around him? Does he make me a better person? How does he feel about it? Does he make me up the ante without changing me?

I think ultimately though, we all need to be picky. It should feel good. It should be exciting in the beginning. It should be fun. I know I’ll be excited about someone again, even though in my head it seems impossible to imagine right now. I know it’ll come, I have to be patient. So, I will live my wonderful life. Fill it with other things (friends, music, family) and hope that along the way I’ll happen upon that spark, and hopefully it will make it out of the gate...
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