Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Too Much to Handle

     When I was a kid I used to spend a lot of time laying in grass in my backyard worrying about how would the electric company know where I lived? How would I get the “basic” stuff connected? What kind of job I would have if I couldn’t be a musician or an Astronaut? How many degrees I would have, because it pissed me off that prisoners could get educations (yes, I did think about those things). I was never one of those kids who could just sit and enjoy the NOW; the warm sun on cool, crisp grass, my dog curled up next to me, the ants crawling on my toes and the smell of chlorine from our family pool. I’ve always had to be moving. Once I bought my first car and got my first job, I’ve been moving. My folks would even enroll me in summer school because I’d get so bored over summer break.  My mother  told me once that doctors told her I was hyper and wanted to put me on drugs. She said absolutely not, it would dampen my developing personality. To which I’m glad. I think I’ve driven her nuts ever since.

I’ve been working 2 jobs for about 4 years now and started school again about 14 months ago. At many points in my life I've worked more than one job, sometimes out of necessity and sometimes out of pleasure. (whispery) I’m tired….very, very tired. As a very lovely, blued-eyed boy told me “It’s not forever...” I know, but I’m tired. Tired to the point that when I take time off it’s not to sit around, eat Cheetos and watch bad TV, it’s cleaning, arranging (mentally and physically), grocery shopping. I’m always on the move and I have zero time for me or to concentrate on the important stuff. My debt and bills are always late along with everything else. Friends in my “inner circle” have begged me to slow down, for it looks like I may hit a wall with how fast things move. I’ve made extremely, compromisingly bad decisions that have affected me emotionally and mentally that when I have “alone time” it starts to seep into my brain and wreaks havoc. I don’t have time to take care of the things I need to and I’ve gotten extremely frustrated over birthdays I’ve missed, friends I’ve neglected to see and the large amounts of shit I’ve been putting up with. I can’t do the things I’d like to do and I’ve stretched myself thin.

At this point I haven’t been caring much about anything. It came to a head this morning at the gas station when I tried to get gas and forgot that I have had a negative balance for the past few days. This isn’t something I have had happen before, I did find a solution to the issue but in the moment I was running late, was heading up a meeting I wasn’t prepared for, my PC is on the fritz, my dating life sucks, and a friend of mine was needing me for something; I lost it. Once the card was declined I threw my purse at the car and cursed my plight to the air while jumping around like a freaking lunatic. To ease the fear of the alarmed strangers around I laughed and stated my reaction was due to lack of coffee. Not the most adult way to handle things I know, but there it is.

As a resolve one of my friends has volunteered to help me in the next couple of months with my finances and get them back on track again. I’m working out a plan for both jobs to increase my income and worth, another friend has volunteered to keep me in “health” mode by whipping me up healthy “grab n’ go” meals to cut down on my constantly buying meals at work. I have cut off ties with Christian permanently (I did that months ago actually) for he’s becoming too much of burden (it was his idea to be honest). I’m having to painfully tell certain people that I can’t always be there and do things for them; I simply can’t anymore for if I’m constantly thinking of others, who is thinking of me? The answer to that Sportsfans is.. no one.

Yeah, yeah, I hear you saying “blah, blah poor Kami-O..” Hey I’m not complaining, I am very fortunate for all the things I have but it’s getting to the point where I might lose everything if I don’t get it together and I’ve reached a point that I’m so far down in a hole I can’t get out even with 2 shovels. I am very grateful to my inner circle of friends that help me when I need it but the down side is that they see me in a light that most don’t, the weak light. The weak, sobby, running-a-mile-a- mile-a minute, needy Kami-O that on the outside looks neatly put together and under control but is really hanging on by a tampon string. I’m sure most people go through this, it’s not that I have before, I just have a full plate and need to eliminate a few things from it. I’m sure once I’m fully done with school and (hopefully) get a better position, things will be fine. Things always end up working out, perhaps not the way I want but they will.

Not to be all and ever consuming here.. but I wanted to give a shout out to my girl (part of my Army of Bitches) Tracee, who recently got engaged!! WHOOO!!! Traceepalooza here we come!

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