Wednesday, July 06, 2011

Life...but in a Different Way

“When you thought you’d be baking pie and living behind your very own white picket fence you’ll find yourself doing something so entirely different you couldn’t have even imagined it a year before. There will be moments when you’ll look around and not even recognize your own life…in a good way.

You’ll take a wrong turn and end up in an entirely different city than you intended. You’ll dial the wrong number and end up in love with an entirely different person than you intended.” ~ Kate Northrup

  My life has NEVER gone the way I expected, but of course I’ve never really had any expectations and have usually flown by the seat of my pants. If anything, I've learned that I control nothing. I thought for sure I would have had married Paul because I’ve known him forever, but who would have guessed we’d split because we'd bicker..all..the..time. I had always wanted Erik to marry me, but he never really considered it, at least not seriously.

I DO know that when I started college I wanted to be a musician. I wanted to be in a rock n’ roll band, I realized that I didn’t have to be formally trained to do that, but I knew (figured more or less) that I was a girl and girl’s weren’t really accepted in the business of rock n’ roll, so I wanted to bring something valuable to the table. I wanted to be that triple threat, the girl who could write, play several instruments, knew theory and formulas to writing music and lyrics. I knew that studying classical music and jazz were the most difficult, that if I could do that I could easily write rock music and I was right. I wanted to be a musician, period. It took two and a half years to get the guts to pursue it. When I was in it, I never felt that I was good enough, so I never did much with it.

Because I am very intuitive, I can sometimes “see/feel” things coming down the road but am never sure what I am to do about it. I saw clearly each one of my breakups with Erik, Jimmy and Paul well before they happened. At the time I chose to ignore it, but inevitably, it happened anyway. It’s that voice in the back of my head saying “RUN!” and I chose not to. I heard it clearly when I was going to get married to Brent but again I ignored it for as long as I could before jumping out of that one. Sometimes it’s a word or “unshakeable feeling”. I had it happen when Danny went out of town for a gig and told him several hours before to “be careful and keep your stuff close to you.” He blew me off. He called to pick him and a friend up for someone had taken the keys to his car and they couldn’t get home. Still sitting in bed watching movies, a calm fell over me and in 15 minutes he called back saying the person, who had taken the keys, brought them back.

With this latest guy, I told a friend of mine that his name was in my head.. I even wrote it down in my journal, and then two weeks later I met him on a fluke. I wasn’t even supposed to be there, I was supposed to be at dinner with my g-friend and she cancelled. I didn’t want to stay home so I went out and there he was. It happened the same way with Danny. I kept thinking, and mentioned it to several friends that I needed to find an excuse to go into the Whiskey. Friends ended up playing there and sure enough, there was Danny behind the sound board.. I didn’t think much of it at the time.

I was laid off from a job in 2003 and on my birthday I received the call from US Bank wanting me to work for them. They had called 2 days earlier saying they'd given the position to someone else. I stayed for 5 years and was very happy there.

I always knew I’d have a house; I just wanted to have it in my early thirties as compared to mid-thirties. I knew I’d get my degree; I wanted it all done earlier. I never really saw myself as having children or married. I’ve always figured I’d be alone, doing my own thing, always. That has never changed. I always knew I’d be thin, going to fat and going back to “fairly” thin again. I had seen myself with really long hair, walking around the city in business clothes. I always saw myself as a person who worked out and worked up to be successful and all of that has happened. I have never seen myself being happy with a “normal” business guy with 3 kids, a mortgage, a dog and expensive car that gets shitty gas mileage. I could have had that and I’m sure in another timeline I’d be very happy or perhaps unhappy. Thing is that it didn’t happen. I’ve never craved those things. My life by and large is very fulfilling and wonderful. Yes, I have days that I can barely breathe because I'm sad, hurt or frustrated but I wouldn't have it any other way. I realize that I do complain (via this blog) about all the bad things, but there are many great and wonderful things that happen as well.

Point being here is that I think I’ve seen and am proof that all it takes is a turn around a corner or that unexpected turn up at a party for a chain of events to occur that could potentially change your life forever. (Meeting David at my sister-in-laws birthday party??) Believe it, it can happen!

“You’ll imagine the open road, country music playing loud, you singing at the top of your lungs, and flirting with a new man in every town. And then you’ll invite someone to come with you on a whim and realize driving around the country by yourself was a terrible idea anyway…and that its way more fun when you’re traveling with someone you love.


You won’t do it at the right time.


You’ll be late.


You’ll be early.


You’ll get re-routed.


You’ll get delayed.


You’ll change your mind.


You’ll change your heart.


It’s not going to turn out the way you thought it would.


It will be better.”

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