Monday, May 23, 2011

Why Do I Do This To Myself?

I’m back with Christian, yep…again. I believe the last time I wrote about him was here...

I thought it was over for the most part for I don’t want to willingly help him cheat on anyone. I received 3 calls and 15 text messages on Mother’s Day, wanting to meet up that evening. I asked him if he was single and he indicated he was (I’m sure he’s lying, but can’t prove it) so I agreed to meet up with him.

That was 2 weeks ago and I have been with him 3 times since. I have discovered something about our little encounters; I need them. I need them to make myself feel better. Some people use food, exercise, or shopping therapy, I use Christian. I know he doesn’t care for me but he doesn’t hate me either, granted we don’t talk much and he does try to be more comforting and snuggly even though I protest. Every once in awhile I find him saying; “you know me well enough to know….”, which I have to remind him that I don’t know him at all. Granted he’s great for what we use each other for, it’s not mind blowing but it is what it is. I find it comforting that he’s available when I need him and we have a history together outside of our encounters. He’s only told me no one time in the 2 years we’ve been on this little adventure, that’s 2 less than me. I usually meet up with him when I get rejected again by some idiot. I know I can text Christian and within an hour he’s with me telling me how beautiful I am and that he couldn’t give up our “little encounters” even if he wanted to. Knowing this makes me feel better, stronger and gives me the ability to avoid getting myself into bad situations; to act out.

After our Mother’s Day meeting, I felt bad when he told me that the reason he and his g-friend broke up was because of his traveling and that he isn’t willing to give up our encounters. I guess maybe he needs them as much as I do. ???

This brings me to acknowledge the fact that previous to turning 40 I was never like this. “This” being, this insecure. I can’t seem to shake it, fall into it or be OK with it. I can’t shake the specter looming in the background that tells me I don’t have much time; time to be young, weigh the same, to feel good, to be alive. So I indulge in almost everything with fervor. It sometimes leaves me with a sense of hopelessness. Not having someone to comfort me as I age, to remember me when I’m gone and to pass on my stories sometimes paralyzes me. When I meet someone it always feels as if this is the last person I’m going to meet, which is obviously not the case. A sense of panic kicks in that wraps itself around me, constricting, and it squeezes the breath out of me. Christian doesn’t make me feel old, fat, rejected and 40. He’s the closest thing I’ve got to a partner and it comforts me to go bed at night knowing someone thinks of me even if it’s only for something as lame as sex. Our encounters don’t make me feel as if I need to hole up in my house and recover from another rejection, they make me feel….needed.

Pathetic I know… welcome to my mid-life crisis
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