Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Thought I had it Right This Time..

If you’ve EVER read me you know I have talked a lot about dating and how frustrating it can be. I came to an epiphany last night. I spend so much time and energy analyzing things to death. I analyze every word, gesture, tone, body language for meaning. I was thinking about how exhausting it is when it dawned on me: it’s totally pointless. What does it mean? Nothing. The thing is, I will never know someone’s intention, motivation, thought, or feeling. No matter how much I analyze it or how hard I try to figure it out, I cannot get into someone else’s brain. So why waste so much time and energy doing so? What is it getting me? Just more stress/frustration?

I think as human beings, we do our best not to get hurt, some more than others. Especially since most of us have been hurt before. I know I have, and will most likely continue to be so. We are reading into all of these things because we want to love and we want to experience the joy that love can bring us, but we don’t want to throw our heart into something just to have it broken. We are trying to make sure the situation we are walking into is safe. So, of course you have to put your experience to the test. Is the guy only texting you after you text him and never wants to go out in public? Yeah, that doesn’t take a lot of analysis. But, reading into things to the degree that I do can be dangerous and ultimately non-productive.

All of that being said, the initial stages of dating can be so frustrating. You want to put yourself out there but you don’t want to be overeager. You want to know if that person likes you too. I just hate that feeling of uncertainty. The fear. Liking someone, wanting to see where it goes and being afraid it’ll be gone before you can explore that. This happens to me a lot. I always end up asking my single guy friends, do you think texting him once a week is too much? If I text him back several times in one day, is that too much? For I never want to be dubbed that “clingy” chick. I’m a busy professional, creative woman and don’t have time to waste on games. I’ve been trying NOT to live in my head so much and communicate more with the person I want to date/be with. I thought I did it right this time and yet again have been proven wrong. Consensus indicates that I slept with him to early. Damn.

What went wrong? Not really much of anything I wasn’t warned about in advance, so I will give him credit for communicating that with me. We met, got together at my house once, then at his house. It was after many drinks, interesting and flirty conversation that we slept together. I remember telling him as I was being drug down the hall that I really didn’t want to do this because I was certain he “wouldn’t like me anymore”. I was serious about that statement. Now I find that he’s placating me with the promise of another date that will happen “soon”. Yeah, I blew it and A: he’s now only interested in getting together for sex or B: Not wanting to make a big deal out of telling me he’s not interested anymore. Either way, I do not want either one. I have made it fairly clear that I want more and if he wasn’t interested in doing that or interested in me he could simply say so and I would disappear, back into the population. He has declined that notion, twice. I’m not sure what he’s getting at, but I’m out of the game. I’m busy. I have a graduation to plan, classes to complete, working on this site and I’m currently being mentored by one of the best guitar players in the Twin Cities. I need to focus on those things and be with the people who love and care about me. I’m not going to lie, I over analyzed this to the point that my brain shut down and I fell asleep due to physical and emotional exhaustion. Do I feel sad? Of course but I have thoroughly explained to this person what I want and how I am, I don’t feel that I can do anymore but let it go. To his defense he was (as far as I can tell) very open with me about his life, treated me with kindness and respect when we were together, but out of sight apparently means out of mind, as least in this case.

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