Monday, December 27, 2010

Clear Things Up- Make it Understood

  I remember the notice that went out to Seniors my Senior year in high school, the notice that indicated what each one of us was going to do after graduation. Some were accepted into college, some listed that they were joining the workforce, some indicated that they were going to get married. I was in the married category.

  I remember, even after all these years that I wished that next to my name was the college I was going to be going to. Once I graduated and was in the throes of planning my wedding, I noticed that my fiancee really wasn’t into planning it with me. I accepted the fact that he was in the middle of finals and graduating from college with a double B.A. He was far too busy to help me plan. I noticed as I got closer to the date, that I was starting to lose interest in the event. I couldn’t see myself growing old with him, I couldn’t see myself being a house wife (which is what he wanted) or having children. I wanted to be a musician. He didn’t encourage my interests, much less my interest in being in music. He simply told me that I was “Too old to be banging on the drums..” I wanted to anyway. So right around Valentine’s Day I decided that this was something I really didn’t want to be doing and broke it off. It didn’t really help that the guy was really a monster douche-Just sayin’. He wanted the house, car, to live in the burbs, have children.. I never saw myself having those things, nor did I particularly want them. I decided to go to college, study music and once I got into the program I hit the ground running.

  I again became involved with someone I fell very much in love with, it was discussed that we were going to get married and have children but the longer we were in the relationship the more we didn’t want it. I felt better just living together, continuing to do what we were doing. We eventually grew apart via our differences, one of them being that I didn’t want to get married. Granted in both cases one could assume I picked the wrong guys-yes, I would agree. I also have never considered myself the kind that would get married and have a bunch of kids. I’ve never really wanted it nor thought about it much. Granted I would be naive not to be open to the possibility that it COULD happen, it’s just not likely. All my pissing and moaning is basically that I want someone I can just live with and have a relationship with. I am not looking for anything else, but trying to find a b-friend in this town is next to impossible! *Guys, grow a pair and ask a girl out! GEEZ!

  Now, the other topic.. Independence.. I’ve always found it mildly amusing that guys can have sex with anyone, do it frequently and not be considered anything but a player. If a WOMAN does the same thing, she’s a slut, is judged for her lifestyle choices and morals. I’ve never been one to conform to a certain set of expectations. My motto has always been, “if you’re not hurting anyone…” being that I’m not interested in getting married, I date, experiment, have committed relationships and sex with who I deem fit. It’s doesn’t mean that I lack anything, have low expectations, or self esteem. I admit I fuck it all up sometimes. I may get too involved; get too emotional or sometimes too removed from the situation. Sometimes it’s the guy himself who is just an ass, or that we just don’t connect. I have my brief melt downs, learn from it, and move on. Granted if I’m guilty of anything it’s trying to keep in good standing with all of them, but of course I have my limits on that too. I certainly don’t go around trying to piss off or hurt them, that's just not my thing.

What I’m trying to say here is that I do what I want as long as I’m not hurting anyone. It’s not fair to judge me for being a single, 40ish woman with needs. If guys have needs, what, women don't too? I don’t think it’s OK at all that a guy can screw around and no one thinks twice, but if a single woman does it, then she’s labeled as being a slut, having low self esteem, or bad morals. That’s not the case. Granted, I don’t have this down to science and yes, sometimes I get hurt, I write about it, and you, Sports fans get to hear and read about it firsthand. It is afterall my business, and if you choose to talk about it, pass judgement, that makes you the ass and you can forget talking to me for I simply don't put up with that snotty high schoolish drama shit. If you wanna know, come ask me. I'll certainly talk to you about it if you really wanna know.  If it’s all too nauseating and pathetic for you, then turn the channel..but if we are going to have equality, shouldn't we be changing the way we think about that as well?
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