Thursday, November 04, 2010

When Is It My Turn?

   I usually don’t fall into bouts of feeling sorry for myself or how my life turned out etc. Yesterday I was reading some things on Facebook, realizing that quite a few of my friends that had been single are getting engaged or married right now. Now, before I go any further I want to state that I AM TRULY happy for all of them. All of them deserve to be happy and I’ll be the first in line to petition happiness for all of them. With that being said, when I look at me (granted, my life is pretty awesome for the most part) I feel left behind, a bit stagnant, am left feeling “when is it my turn?” Not that I deserve a “turn”, but sometimes I feel as if I will be single forever, not that being single is bad. I certainly don’t get lonely, I sure in the hell don’t miss having to compromise on everything but I do miss doing things with a significant other. Perhaps it would be easier if I weren’t so head strong, so demanding, wanted to get married and have 3.5 kids. Unfortunately I AM very head strong, demanding of myself and others, don’t want to get married and really haven’t given a hell of a lot of thought about having kids, especially since I can’t have them.

I understand that for a lot of these people getting together is based on “connection” not just attraction. That makes sense in my MIND but it also makes me think that perhaps I can’t or don’t connect with people well. There are also people that I KNOW are bonefide assholes, the shittiest people you could possibly deal with and THEY have not only FOUND someone, but have gotten MARRIED and are planning on having children or have children. Yet I try to be the best person I can be, am slow to anger (usually), I have a decent job(s), a beautiful home, great friends and family, yadda, yadda, yadda… yet here I am… single since 33.

Now I’m sure you’re thinking one of two things: 1: Yeah, waaah you whiney baby, shut the hell up! Or 2: Go out and DO something about it then..

1: I don’t whine about this nor (again) do I fall into pits of despair about it. My life is quite good.

2: Yes, I date. A lot, especially this last year. Quite a few of them have had issues with SOMETHING I do. One had issues with me having wine after work sometimes.. (huh?) One had issues with me exercising so much..(an hour 4 days a week?)

  Do I go out and actively “look” for guys to date? Nope, that has never been my thing. The guys I like or have dated have either been friends or I have just randomly met and had to get to know. I have never just met someone and thought “hey I wanna hook up with that person..” It usually takes me a couple of dates and he has to do “something”, to get my attention. That takes time.. There have been quite a few guys I’ve met, thought they were nice and just never “connected” with them, they never tripped my trigger, as my Ma says. Nothing wrong with them, they just didn’t do it for me.

  Examples: (X)Erik: 1 yr friends, 3.5 yr relationship, (X)Paul: Several years friends, 10 yr relationship,
(X)Brandon: 3 mos friends, 8 mos relationship, So none of these men were random encounters that I just decided to go out with. That just doesn’t happen to me. It took time for me to look at each of them in a different light.

  Perhaps I have to be a big asshole to get this person’s attention. My instincts tell me no. My instincts also tell me that whoever it is, is just around the corner and to be patient. A trait I lack.
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