Monday, November 15, 2010

Messing It Up All By Myself-All the Time

My last posting seemed to stir up some comments-good ones. It got me thinking a bit. The entry was a bit of venting on my part with my frustrations with “the Dude”. One of my g-friends asked the question..
"Why can’t people walk away when all they are doing is getting hurt?"  I agree with her 100%, however.. I fell in love with “the Dude” before I had sex with him, it has continued to go downhill ever since. I think he put on a fa├žade for 3-4 months, reeled me in and the rest is history. Once I’m in love with someone it’s hard to tear myself away. Do I hang around hoping he’d change his mind? Yeah, I do and if I told him how I feel, he’d get pissed. He’s done so in the past and we’ve gotten into knock out drag out fights where I’ve walked out. I also hate being told that if he was ready to be in a relationship, I’d be the one he’d have it with. I think that’s a bit unfair, because that’s just enough ammunition to keep me next to him, along with all the other similar things he says. I know most of you are going “What the hell then, get rid of him..” all I can really say to that is two things: 1: He’s everything I would have wanted in a partner 2: I love(ed) him.

  On a more positive side, we did have an argument 2 weeks ago while hanging out and drinking. I asked him (kiddingly) that if I was injured and asked him to help me would he, his reply was a firm “no”. I was shocked.. I kept at him about him helping me and his answer was always a “no”, so I got up to leave and just before I hit the door, I asked him what his damn problem was. He asked me to sit down and relax. So I asked him again, if I was injured and needed his help, would he help me? His new reply was “What do you think?”.. He kept saying it over and over.. My reply was “My instincts say yes.”, then there’s your answer he says. Why he can't just tell me?

  I sat there for a few minutes upset, then quietly left. He could have cared less that I was leaving, or that my feelings were hurt.. I cried all the way home and in crying I thought, “Fuck it, I’ve had enough. I can’t do this anymore.” And decided to put some distance between us and not jump every time he txts or calls. Then 4 days later I met someone. Someone who, as it stands right now is a very nice, sweet, very cute and hilarious guy. Granted we have just met and it’s all very new and sparkly. Perhaps once a month rolls by nothing will have come from it at all and I’ll be back where I am now. Who knows.
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