Tuesday, October 05, 2010

What I Learned Along the Way

  Very busy since I’ve been back and trust me if it weren’t for a few people I love and my house, I wouldn’t have; and I don’t even like Arizona. I came back to the chaos that is my life; I think I started experiencing that just as I was leaving for the airport.

Anyways, I did miss my friends etc. I missed the smell of my house, my own bed, my cat and the silence.

I didn’t have a ton of time out there to contemplate and work out everything I wanted, some of it, well, will just take longer to work itself out. As the weeks progress I have slowly begun to unfold some of it.

1: Issue with my age. This was something I was able to get over, well, mostly. I figure, I look good now and if later shit starts to fall, droop etc, I’ll just get it taken care of. I’ve come to terms that there’s not much I can do about it, and I just look pathetic trying to. So, here it is… 40! Ta-da!

2: Issue with my weight as it is. I’ve been screwing around with my diet and exercise routine and so I’m going back on what I had been on for 4 years. Granted it’s been an issue getting back on the wagon because of my super busy schedule and unpredictable hours, but I’m trying to figure out how to work it all in. I’m deciding that I’ll probably go sleep deprived for a bit or be running on those dark, country roads at 3am when my insomnia hits. I’ve spent waay too much time on lifting 3 days a week and not any time running, which is what helps me sleep, relax and it sorts my brain out to where I can think clearly.

3: Issues with guys: Granted I still hate being called a cougar and shit. I’ve decided not to date right now and have dropped my “boys” because they are too much bullshit for me to handle. One is an asshole, arrogant, I can barely stand to be around him and have a “no talking” rule when he's around. I really hate him and truthfully I just have no time for that anymore. The other is quite lovely and am quite smitten with him but he’s so damn busy traveling that when I want him to stop over he’s never around. We’ve danced around the idea of dating but when I’m out of sight, I’m out of mind. So, with that I've decided that I’m tired of dealing with the bullshit, so I’m done.

4: “the Dude”: yeah, this is one that’s going to take a looong time. Whew, that's a tough one.  Dealing with a bit of some jealousy issues right now. His attention goes in all sorts of directions when he has been drinking and of course when I have to, it's hard to watch him flirt and not have it bother me. Funny how I think I’ve experienced every kind of hurt, and then I get blind sided. I know it’s not done on purpose, I don’t tell him, so it’s not like he knows. I do know he cares about me a great deal, we are friends, that’s the best he can do so I’m fine with that. He’s been through a great deal and if I have anything to say (which I do, thank you very much) his life should be a bit easier, you know?

5: Work (both jobs): I’m looking at changing both of these. Quitting one and changing up the other. I’m EXTREMELY unhappy with how much time I spend at work and hardly any time doing anything else. After 4 years of working 2 jobs I’ve had it and would like to throw in the towel, so I’m looking at options.

6: The House: This one is the most difficult. I really want to keep it but the struggle to do so is taking up my life. I’ve spent 3-4 years trying to get this settled and just when it seems that I’m getting somewhere… Right now I’m in a deal with the bank to pay a certain amount before the 5th of each month until January. Then they will “consider” cutting my payment down by $200. a month. I have painfully decided that if they reject me I’m going to drop the house and spend my “year” (how long it will take to toss me out) paying off my debt, then The Kat and I will just get an apt together in the city or something. I’ve spent a considerable amount of time and energy trying to afford this place, trying to work it out even though I was the one who got fucked in the deal. I’ve decided that it’s not worth spending another year attempting to sort something out that simply can’t be sorted.

7: School: One of the reasons I’d like to quit my part time job is to allow more time to study. Granted I usually don’t have to crack a book open for much these days but there are things here that I should not be speed reading through. (yep, now you know my secret!)I really want to get an education here and it seems that this is speeding right by me and I’m not acknowledging it.

8: People: Seems I’ve been a bit light on what I’ll put up with and what I won’t. Granted this was/is the hardest thing for me to work out. It’s mostly due to going through this “mid-life crisis” thing. I’ve been feeling insecure and part of that is letting people walk over me a bit too much, to the point that I’m sacrificing my own feelings about things and doing things I don’t want to. This is going to stop. I’m going to piss off people and break off friendships, but I feel it’s worth not having the hurt feelings I end up with at the end of the day. Usually I put my friends before me, some of these people have put themselves first and me last. This can’t happen anymore. I used to drop people who aren’t considerate enough to consider my feelings. I’m going back to that; I don’t need to put up with it, period.
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