Wednesday, August 25, 2010

The Turmoil from Within

When I was a young, I was a fairly confident girl. I figured had enough time to do all the things I wanted to do. Totally ignorant to the concepts of failing or not measuring up to other people, I was just working or going to school, living my life. I never had a father that used to tell me that I was the most beautiful girl in the world and I didn't care, for I didn't miss it. When I was in grade school I would put on shows for my class and eventually my grade where I would sing Shawn Cassidy songs to my classmates.  Sometimes to ridicule and teasing and sometimes not. I was a tough little kid. I remember spefically playing a game with a little boy and I didn't know the rules.  He didn't want to explain them to me so I created my own.  He quickly pointed out that I was cheating and was mean because I wouldn't explain the rules. I looked him right in the eye and said, "well, you wouldn't tell me and now you know how I feel.." Pretty savvy for a 2nd grader I think.

Somewhere along the line that changed.  I reached an age where I started to give shit about what people thought. I started to feel inadequate, unsure and "uncool" because I didn't wear the "right" clothes, didn't date, I was too fat or too thin, didn't wear my hair a certain way, didn't "behave" a certain way. See I'd been living inside my own world of imagination, whimsy, and then (snap) just like that, I felt at odds with everyone. The sad truth of it was that I knew there was much more to the world than this lame suburb of wannabe rich kids. I remember telling a boy this when I asked him to go out with me.  He hung out with me after school but refused to acknowledge me while in school, which confused the hell out of me.  He explained that I simply wasn't "cool enough" to be his g-friend and he was looking at going out with someone else. I remember asking if he was kidding and  if he really thought this was what it was like once school was over; once we graduated? I assured him that it there was a whole big world out there and it didn't matter what we wore, who hung out with who, and what exactly was cool anyways? He didn't know, but I did!  I knew I was cool because, well, I was me and there is only one!

Then once in college and I started to play shows I started to really think that I'd found my gift, my calling in life.  I loved it! It was hard but fun and rewarding, plus the things I had learned!  I couldn't get enough! Then my best friend at the time told me that there was nothing special about what I was doing, that she could do it if given the chance. Being a "faux" rockstar was easy.  Why was I going to school to be an Orchestral player if all I really wanted to do was play rock n' roll? I didn't have an answer at the time, not until 3 year when I figured out that once I learned the "formalities" of writing and playing, I'd realize that writing and playing rock n' roll is much easier than writing an hour long Symphony in Bachian style. I was shattered.  If she could actually do it, then what the hell was I doing it for? Why did I care?  I didn't realize until much later that yes, I wanted the ability to do something special too.

 I've lost that confidence since. I’m having to fight like hell to get it back. I have to keep reminding myself of how far I’ve come in 40 years. I'm 40 dammit, there's a certain amount of "something" that comes with that, right? I've given up things during that time, done things that I hate doing and seem to be on a continual ride of doing things I hate... jobs, people, situtations, relationships. I feel that if I just give it all up something bad will come of it but as someone told me it's the first step that is scary and the rest will fall into place.

I realize that I'm going through something, something that comes with this number - 4 0.  I need to take the time to figure out what my issue is. Deal with or at the very most, resolve my insecurities and put this away for good.  For the age thing is simply something I can't change, I'm not and cannot become younger.  I can only take care of what I have for now.  I'm putting a deadline on quitting the things I'm involved in that I hate. I've always used the reasoning that I don't want to be selfish and only think of myself, but I need to be happy and I'm not. So I'm going to Arizona.  I'm going to sleep, run, swim, hike, visit with good friends and get in touch with me and when I come back some changes will be made.

Confidence is something we’re all encouraged to have, what we need to have and I'm always a work in progress when it comes to that. Lately it's been a struggle to maintain and in some instances I haven't cared. I need to get back the confidence that no matter what decision I make, that I have to have the confidence to know that I will be ok.  That things will turn out fine and I can go back to having the life I used to have. Perhaps I can go back and remember that young confident girl who believed that she could do anything...and did.
Post a Comment