Thursday, August 05, 2010

The Things That Make Us

  I was watching “High Fidelity” the other night and was coming to similar conclusions that John Cusack did in the film. I think we all have a Top 5, the 5 that completely fuck us up.  His were a bit more juvenile, I mean, I don’t count anyone in junior high, or the first guy I kissed or had sex with. The guy I was engaged to in high school isn’t even remotely in my Top 5 nor did he fuck up my mind in anyway, he was just an ass.

  Do I agree that we should all have that one person that fucks us up royally? That person who makes us second guess ourselves, makes us feel that life can’t get any better when we are around them, the same person who can make you cry at the drop of a hat with a simple look. When they feel bad, you feel bad. I don’t think anybody should have that, but I think most of us do.  I do agree with Marie de Salle (Lisa Bonet); “why should I be denied a human basic need (sex) just because of that asshole?”

  Does my Top 5 make me who I am?  Yeah, they do.  Do they prevent me from making the same mistakes? No.  I don’t think I made a mistake in loving them or picking them/ them picking me.  They are all great guys; for someone else.  I’m a hard nut to crack, but am not hard to please. I think I simply wore them out with my bickering. I think the reason they did what they did in our relationship was based on their lack of communication and my insecurity and bickering.  Do I take that information (things I’ve learned) and apply it to the next relationship? No.  I don’t.  Here’s why..

1.     Each guy is a different person: Erik is completely different than Paul who’s different than Brandon..  Erik was more moody and creative, Paul was/is very “zen” like and protective, Brandon was very much a hippy. It wouldn’t be fair to throw rules and MY insecurities on them. I didn’t communicate well with Erik, because I didn’t feel I could.  I communicated great with Paul and Brandon because they encouraged it.  All of them accepted me for me (sort of) and called me out when needed.

2.    Each relationship is different: My relationship with Erik was very creative and fun with spots of moodiness and jealousy (on his part). Paul and I “flowed” better because we’d known each other for a looong time before we dated and he brought out my goofiness and vice versa.  "the Dude", I can't talk to really at all, because he has deep baggage from relationships past but makes me laugh when he isn't pissing me off.

3.    Common Denominator: The common thing they had between them was me.  Each one of them cheated.  On all occasions I broke up with them because of it, with the exception of Paul who I felt should have another chance. There were mitigating circumstances in why though, it wasn’t something I freely decided on. "the Dude", we never really had a relationship even though we behaved like b-friend/g-friend most of the time.

4.    Picking the “bad” boy: I usually pick the “long haired, rocker” guy, the creative dude who is moody, tortured and lives within his head, with piercings and tattoos.  Yeah, I know, prolly not the best choice, but I don’t want to hear another guy I’m dating say “Yeah, I really hate tattoos on girls..”

So my “living on a desert island” , all time Top 5 (in chronological order, of course):

1.    Brandon Lenz- He was my guitar teacher and we were together for 8 months.  He broke up with me for a stripper named Wendy who was “more his age”.  I was 19 and he was 27 (I think)..

2.    Erik – together for about 3 ½ yrs in college (first college boyfriend) and I caught him making out with my college roommate. After much crying and debate I broke it off with him and moved away from her. Took me 4 years to get over it and in that time I went through guys like underwear.. Next to “the Dude”, this hurt worse than anything I can remember.

3.    Paul – Dated, broke up, dated long distance, lived together, broke up, got back together, planned on getting married, never did it …..and broke up.  Lasted about 10 years and that was 7 years ago. Took about a year to switch from fiancée to friend.. Now are friends, more like family and we talk several times a day. Made the break up a bit easier on the heart; for both of us.

4.    “the Dude”-Met in a bar, had sex for 6 months (which was good btw), never wanted to date or have a relationship with me, decided to be friends, now…pisses me off almost on a daily basis because… I can’t have him and he really doesn’t want me.. Sadness and misery on a stick..

5.    Yeah, I know I don’t have 5….do I? I’m sure it’s coming… :/

  I’d like to think that since I’ve gotten older things would have changed, gotten more sophisticated, guys less selfish and self absorbed. My skin a bit thicker. My instincts; sharper, better, more pronounced. There seems to be that “common denominator” in each one; other than just me.  The fact that each one has cheated or wanted to.  I wish I could just figure out what it was that makes this happen, other than me choosing the wrong guys.  Granted there have been a plethora of nice, young, men who were great.
Jim, Christian, Sam, Brent, Billy, Nick, Matt and Chris-John.. They were all very nice, we had a nice time and for whatever reason he broke up with me or I broke up with them, cheating by both parties, blah, blah… Perhaps these guys are the reason the above 4 happened…Something to figure out I guess.
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