Thursday, May 06, 2010

Butterflies, Flowers and All Things Happy

Feeling a bit like Lois Lane in Superman. I stayed up all night sobbing my eyes out. It’s been a fairly stressful last couple of months as I try to work out my own crappy finances, along with 3 others, work 70 hrs a week and attend school.

I’m realizing very slowly that I’m not as sharp or resilient as I used to be, even as far back as 3 years ago. I’m finding that I just want to hole up in my house, in the quiet, drink, sleep and just be alone. I can’t do this because I have a roommate, a crappy roommate at that.

Since she and I haven’t been on speaking terms the last 2 weeks she’s been leaving little love notes on the kitchen counter to communicate her frustrations to me. I read, and toss them without regard. Well, I was left another love note on Tuesday night. It had some legal document attached to it and the note referenced the document, other legal things she’s involved in, how she may/may not be leaving before her 30 days AND how she’s going to take a friend of ours to court for slander.. I had no idea what she was talking about, and tossed it in my room.   Next day, looking at my FaceBook page and discovered she’d hacked into it (and a couple of other accounts) and read my emails. One was specifically about her, nothing bad just something she lied to me about, which I wasn’t really fazed or surprised about (the above referenced legal doc) too much. We didn’t call her names or call her out, just simply that she lied to me about a legal thing she was pursuing. Then that’s when it ALL made sense. I was livid, so much so I had to go for a run and come back. I came back, tried to be level headed about it and promptly called the police. I wanted them to remove her from my house immediately. They explained to me the legal reasons to why they can’t, gave me some options and wished me luck. If she isn’t out by May 31st though, they would be more than happy to toss her out… So she has 30 days to get out, 30 days I can’t have my house to myself, or peace and quiet, or be home.

I’m burnt on working as much as I have and attempted to take a vacation, a 3-4 day one with Kelly and Dayna. My impulse was to start planning a trip to Phoenix to visit some friends but the flights were expensive and driving was almost as expensive. So no. Kelly came up with using her parent’s cabin up in Cross Lake for us to hang out and be low key, but I couldn’t get the time off at the airport of course! I don’t wanna go home and chill like I normally would (for the above reason), so no rest or vacation for me. So help me, if I don’t get a chance to be away from everyone I’m going to snap.

I’ve been going negative in my bank account every month for about a year now. I used to be extremely diligent about checking on it, making sure I have enough in savings to counter any miscalculations. No more. I went from checking it every day to checking it once a month, if I had time. I’m going from paying my bills and even over paying them to paying them when I feel like it. I give my friends money I really don’t have because, well, they need it more than I do really. My growing struggle for the past 3 years with my house is beginning to wear on me and I’m getting to the point that if there’s an option to short sell and not have any debt attached to it, I may just take it and run. At this point if I did that, I’d be $34,000 in debt (the difference between what I owe and what it’s worth) paying for something I no longer own. I’m still trying to work with my bank to get my loan modified, from $1,024 (the larger loan) to $830-$850 and am struggling to get a person on the phone so I can give them my expenses.

School’s been a bit of a struggle because I don’t have any time to read the texts and I’ve written so many papers that I’m going through some writer’s block. The first 4 classes I just was easily able to bullshit my way through everything but now we are literally referencing the text and I’m struggling with buying the books for I haven’t the extra funds to do so. Finding the time to get on the DB boards has been a challenge since the prof usually posts the questions on Fridays, we have until Monday at 12am to post a reply and a secondary reply by Weds at 12a.. Of course I work and by the time I get home its 10p-10:30p. To try to read and write and post every night until 1a is killing me.

The dating scene is cooling off for me, that’s on purpose. I’m trying to not be so… spontaneous when it comes to dating and be more intentional. The relationship with "the dude" and I is turning into a really good friendship which is I think intentional on both our parts. I like/don’t like that but I’d rather have him respect me, want to get to know more about me and feel concern for me than treat me like I’m his personal whore, which was what he was doing before. I would prefer to keep our relationship where it’s at than move any further. Am I going to wait for him? No, and I haven't been. I’ll continue to be the best friend I can to him and my other friends, date the dateable, have sex when I want to and hope that he gets “it” someday. He mentioned to me the other day that he wanted to just be friends etc…Which made me a bit sad, but I think it’s for the best.. We’ve both got a lot of things to work on as individuals and together, no need to complicate things. Guys are so stoopid!

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