Thursday, December 10, 2009

Dear Danny,

I'm standing here in my office, it’s 6:20a and I have a whole slew of “what in the heck was the truth about that one?” going on in my head. Honestly, I don't think it’s possible for you to stop playing games and just be honest with me . So I’m just going to assume that everything you’ve ever told me was bullshit. Though it’s been 6 months, if I’m to be honest with myself, I can only assume, “he didn't love/like me at all, he just got off on playing me." I’m sure we all have someone that still makes us wonder “what the hell was THAT about?” but this one caught me off guard and I'll say it again; I've never fallen in love with someone who treated me like shit, it's not something I've EVER done so the whole situation and how to deal with it is foreign to me. Granted I should have said "fuck it" in July and dropped it, but my empathy for people, situations and the fact that I wanted to save myself from experiencing any hurt or pain, I chose not to. Also I grew to love you very much, more than I have anyone and in doing this I took myself out of the equation and put you and your needs before myself. That fact alone is probably why I'm in this situation in the first place.

There are sensible parts of this, to be sure. We have had some really good intimate and non-intimate times were I felt that you cared about me and enjoyed my company, especially for the first couple of months. I’ve felt privileged to have shared your music, creativity and experiences of the last several months. Granted you are now going through an adjustment to your lifestyle and paying off your debt. You’ll get it done, I’m sure of it. You’ve done a few things for me that I’ve appreciated and thought were very sweet. See? Crazy = practical in a small way.

Know what else? I think we both know that it’s not difficult for me to just dump this whole situation and be with someone else, we’ve discussed this and you’ve seen when I go out there are men (and in some cases women) that are interested in me. Well, I’m going to start taking those offers. I had decided back in Sept, when I was in Cross Lake that I’d try and wait for you to get it together, but you continue to make that impossible. This last act of defiance was the last for me. I’ve had enough of trying to get you to communicate with me, even on a simple level. I’m extremely tired of the “pulling me close for months then pushing me away” crap, granted this is all a part of your game and I’m choosing not playing anymore. Sorry you feel as if you need to play games with me, honesty would have been much easier for both of us. As far as me “knowing” things, you are “fairly” predictable. I’ve been with people who’ve played games before and I believe after 6 months I do know you to a certain extent. You told me not long ago that you felt you didn’t NEED me, you might want to re-think that since I was the person who got you the lead on your job, drove you there, and bailed your ass out of jail as well as taken your g-ma to and from appts. None of these have I EVER minded doing, nor do I expect anything in return but for you to say that is plain out silly and disrespectful. I’m probably the only person who would help you in those situations without judgment or explanation. To be unkind to someone like that is stupid. I regret that I have pushed you for something you’ve told me you can’t give me, but I figured we were half-way there and giving me the affection and communication I deserved wouldn’t be much of a stretch, but apparently it is. I’m not going to beg for you to talk to me, so if you want to wallow and implode please feel free to do it on your own time. I regret the time I’ve wasted being concerned for your well being when I should be putting my energies into my other friends who need me more. I did that Friday night and look at your selfish reaction?

I’m not saying that I’m not responsible for what has happened, to be honest you haven’t completely led me on, even though it was you who became intimate with me, not the other way around. You knew enough about how I felt to know how that was going to go, there weren’t any surprises there. I’m mostly a book when it comes to that. To stop any sort of intimatacy without talking to me first was wrong. You’re not the only one who has feelings about it nor were you the only one in the situation so you can’t morally make decisions without talking me. Then you lied about it when I asked you twice what was going on. Not sure why you’d do that, but who cares. Not sure why you did any of this other than to USE me for my empathetic nature, which in the grand scheme of things will come back to bite you later. This I’m certain, you will suffer ten-fold for treating me unkindly and give it time, you will regret it.

As far as I’m concerned, I’ll be fine as usual. I have great friends and ex’s that support me and love me for the person that I am. I will get out of the city for a bit, take that long overdue vacation, hang with the people that know and are closest to me, get some rest and put this thing behind me, for I could use a big dose of doing something a bit crazy and restful for myself. I won’t say I don’t certainly have moments where I’m not going to be sad or have more regrets, for I know myself enough to know that I will and this will most likely screw with my head for a bit, but I have this pretty simple answer; I don’t have to think too hard about, which has something to do with following my guts, what they’re saying now and have said more than once before now-“he’s not the one for you…” It also has something to do with this strong, knowing of what I want and need, and a knowing that we don’t fit each other. Really, the real question when it comes down to it is, am I happy and are you? I know I’m not when you’re not and am when you are, and most of your moods and attitude have nothing to do with me, good or bad…so that’s my gauge.
I need someone who can keep up with me and communicate how they feel good or bad, not attack me, not feel jealous and respect the fact that I’m doing all of this for you because I loved you not because I don’t respect myself or have low self esteem; because I certainly don’t. Perhaps we need to both listen to our friends next time.
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