Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Updates on Me and “the Dude”

I wrote about him here and here AND here… and yes we are still on this merry-go-round of a stint.

I’m happy to say he quit his job at the bar, has the 1 full time job which he loves and is very good at. He was promoted. He has a great apt near a lake, he’s gotten his license back and is driving again. His life has taken leaps and bounds. He’s got furniture etc to fill the apt, he’s working himself out of whatever debt he’s in, I couldn’t be happier for him. He still unfortunately still unable to commit to me or anyone else at this time. I believe he thinks that since he and I started adding sexto our relationship that I’ve been doing the same thing with other guys. That hasn't been the case for months. Before he and I started the sexual aspect of our relationship, then yes I was; but not any more. Since then I have decided to fully commit myself to him until…well, I don’t know. Lately I’ve gotten the vibe that he either is A: Having sex with someone else, which is his right as well as mine since we are not committed, B: Has just “decided” that he no longer wants to have sex with me anymore. This makes me sad since like most things with us, it was either good or “knock it out of the ballpark” great.or
C: Now that I've thought about it, he probably still thinks I'm having sex with other men. Ridiculous! Could I even BE attracted to anyone else?

He’s working himself out of debt etc, he’s been spending quite a few days/nights in his apt drinking, smoking and having friends over. The drinking and smoking he wasn’t doing before he and I started the sexual aspect of our relationship. Seems the more we had sex the more he’d be drinking or drunk when I’d come over. The time of me spending the night at his apt are over, for whatever reason he’d just rather not have me there, no explanation. I see that he’s relishing that fact that he’s able to get out and do whatever he wants, get around town, have his own place to rest and be quiet, but what he doesn’t understand is that I want to be with him too. Sometimes I do get to do that 2-3 times a week, some weeks not at all. Lately he’s been working a ton and hasn’t really had the time to see me which I understand, but it doesn’t make me want to be with him any less.

He’s come to understand for the most part that he has the ability to call me for help and I will help him.. Does he to do the same for me, no. He always says, I care about you, but can I do anything about it- no. He always argues me under the table, which infuriates and enlightens me. The relationship is turbulent mostly because he feels he can’t emotionally give to anyone right now. He also has issue with communicating what he feels based on that. Why is all of this worth it? Sure, love him….period. I have a laundry list of things that we are compatible on and shared similarities, the only 2 things that are missing is the commitment and affection. Yep, for the most part he shows me none. No hugs, no affectionate kissing, nothing… Does is bother me? Sure it does, but being that he can’t commit emotionally... There’s actually a lot about this whole thing that I don’t like but a lot that outweigh it as well. As I had stated in previous entries this is a very new and strange situation for me to be dealing with and I find myself being rendered helpless for the most part, even though this is completely not my usual behavior. I literally know I should run but I find that I can’t. For whatever reason I find myself being grounded by him unable to move, much less run. I know that this won’t last, I also it will end nasty but I’ve tried looking for an easy way out, the easiest route that will cause the least amount of pain for me because I believe he could care less how I feel so I haven’t told him anything. Granted, I know when this whole thing ends, it will no doubt be extremely painful for me. He however, believes that I have a “devil may care” attitude toward all of this. He has no idea I sit and think about where he is, what he’s doing, how he feels, if he’s ok. I doubt he puts in that sort of time on how I am. I’ve convinced myself that if I told him how much I loved him it wouldn’t make a shred of difference but probably just make things worse, so I’ve kept my mouth shut. It still seems he calls the shots quite a bit because we both have dueling schedules that doesn’t allow a lot of time to be together unless it’s on his days off. Since I work until 10p most nights and he has to be up and to work by 7 or 8am it’s hard to make that work. I feel all that I can really do is eventually spill my guts and tell him everything I feel and hope for a positive reaction.. Just not ready to do that yet..
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