Thursday, October 08, 2009

I Gotta Man I Can’t Let Go… Part III

I’ll apologize in advance for being pretty scattered, long and continuing the saga that is my horrible dating life but just bare with me for a little while longer. It’s entirely possible I’m writing about this more for myself than to those of you reading but this is the last of it. So please humor me this last time.

My break up with him didn’t last very long, about a week actually before I’d found out through friends that he was planning on quitting one of his jobs. This scared and surprised me since he loved both of his jobs. I asked a couple of our mutual friends but I think they already knew something was “going on” between us and perhaps didn’t want to get involved. I hadn’t spoken to him since the e-mail I’d sent. After several days of delegation, I decided to text him to find out why he was quitting. I wanted to make sure he was alright since I’ve come to notice he doesn’t exactly make the best choices, 39 yrs old or not. He tells me that he would like me to come over for a drink and we’d talk about it. I sat on it for a while before answering for I know him well enough to know where it is going to go.

So there I am, several hours later sitting in his living room, having a couple of cocktails talking about why he is quitting his part time job. I was a bit surprised and disappointed but I completely understand that that kind of hectic schedule is hard to maintain. Then it became sexual. I told him that wasn’t what I came over for and get up to dump my drink out and as I come back into the living room, he’s all over me. I end up spending the night and am stuck in the same situation as before.


When I went on vacation with the girls, I received several texts from him asking when I was going to be back, jokes about whether or not I’d asked him if I could go or be gone that long… These things I took as him missing me since we spent that Sunday night and a large portion of Monday together hanging out at his urging. One of things he was known for pulling on me was on days I would take off to be with him he’d wait until the last minute to tell he had some commitment that I couldn’t attend. He’d want me to just drop him off and would reject either me going with him or waiting for him. This always pissed me off, especially after I’d told him (nicely) that I needed to know so I could plan the rest of my day. I don’t have a problem doing something without him, but I need to figure out what I’m going to do to fill up that time and I took the time off to spend with him.

That Monday night I asked him in a round-about way if I could come and meet him on his night off to hang out. He replied that he wanted to hang out on Tuesday instead and I agreed. Tuesday comes and he tells me that it’s one of his co-worker’s b-days and they are going to a strip club so we couldn’t hang out as originally planned. At 11:30p I receive a text that he and his buddies were drunk and could I come out to get him. I agree as long as I could stay over at his apt since I live another 45mins out. I didn’t see him Wednesday, Thursday or Friday (Friday’s story is here) and ended up seeing him on Saturday night. He texted me to come pick him up and we would go to his apt to hang out. I go to pick him up and there’s a drunk girl that was left there by her friends so he and I agreed to take her home. I think this was one of the any things that irritated him that night. The girl was huddled in a corner and we were told that a cab was being called to pick her up, so I didn’t think anything more of it so, we continued to walk to the car. It wasn’t until we were in the car ready to go that he decided it would be a good idea to take her home. She lived off of White bear Ave which is past where I live, so I let him make the call on that for it was he that worked a 14hr day. As we waited for her, I made a joke about this being my good deed for the year that would get me inside the Pearly Gates, that and of course having sex with him. He shot me the look of death for that. The girl got in and we took her home. As the drunk girl sat in my back seat bawling her eyes out, I watched how empathetic he was with her. Telling her it would be ok, that perhaps she should get better friends, friends that wouldn’t do this to her, telling her to calm down.

Now I know I’m not a great night driver. It’s one of the few eccentricities that make me, me. I am severely night blind and color blind as well. What does that mean exactly? It’s rare that a woman is one or the other much less both, but it means that the person affected has difficulty focusing his or her eyes in the dark or dim lighting. As a result, far away objects appear blurry, and the person may also have difficulty adapting to darkness. I can see just fine if it’s plain dark, sometimes better than in light but when presented with both, things become blurry and I can really only focus on the reflective stripes on the road. I have learned to adapt quite nicely and am in the process of buying glasses to fix the problem. Also my current car (which after 4 months, I’m still getting used to) has a wider front than my previous sports car and is bigger. I’m also a very nervous driver, especially when the person next to you is barking orders at you and you are trying to pay attention to the road and things around you. Well, he had a problem with my driving, calling out that I swerve, tail gate and hug the lanes when I drive. All probably true. It’s not really anything I can help until I can afford new glasses that have non-glare and tint to them. If and when I do pay attention to the road it is less apparent. No one has ever had a problem with my driving until now.

We were driving back to his apt I leaned across him to lock his car door, he swatted at me and as a result I swerved a bit into the left lane, so I quickly jerked completely into the left lane which scared and pissed him off. He barked at me that there were “other lives out here”.. I laughed a bit out of embarrassment. That apparently set off the following chain of events.

Once we arrive at his apt and park the car, he announces that he just going to bed and that if I wanted stay I could. I was a bit bummed and groaned a little about it but agreed. Once we got inside it was apparent he was really pissed. I told him that getting that mad about the driving was a bit ridiculous. He then suggested I just go home. He angrily explained that I “drive like an idiot” and he didn’t “like that”. I agreed, but referred to my night blindness and he told me that I should’ve been concentrating on the road and I explained that I was just looking out for his safety. I transitioned into the state of our “relationship” which he immediately became angrier. He told me didn’t want to have “these types” of conversations which is the main reason he wasn’t interested in being in a relationship. I told him he was going to have this conversation because I was standing right in front of him and I had a say in how I was being treated and how this relationship worked. I told him that yes he still treated me like shit-called the shots on most of what we did, I still felt he was using me, demanding of my time, and he felt he could just have sex with me whenever he felt like it. He again said he wasn’t going to have this conversation with me. He said he never led me on in thinking he wanted a relationship,(true) and I didn’t feel that I was this clingy, needy woman who bothered him all the time (he agreed) but I did feel he led me on when he said we couldn’t have sex. He agreed that he’d told me it would compromise our friendship and that it had. Thing is, he’s the one that instigated all of it. So here I am being blamed for being a participant! The rest seems a bit fuzzy for I was so pissed but at some point he told me to “get out of his house” and I can’t remember my response to it the first time, with the exception that in my head I was panicked over losing him permanently, which wasn’t what I was going for. There it was though, staring me in the face. He then said that I “could take my friends, ex-boyfriends, Paul and all of that and get out”. I really didn’t know what to say, so I said “fine, don’t call me.”, grabbed my things and slammed the door so hard I might have broken it. Which I’m sure he thought I was rude to wake his neighbors but that moment was about me and how I felt and no one else for a change.

On my drive home I thought I may cry for I was shaking so hard I had to pull over. For whatever reason my instincts kicked in and told me to calm down, enough was enough. I think it came down to my grief finally coming to a head and that I just don’t want to deal with him anymore. I’ve compromised to the point of exhaustion and now I’m done. That’s how I’m treating it; I’m tired and resigned over it. I simply don’t have the energy to feel bad, hurt, or angry over it. I’ve just had enough, period. I’m officially bored and am moving on. He’s erased me from anything affiliated with him and I him. I’m gonna need a bit of time to recover from this and my lesson learned here is to not take any shit from any guy, ever. I think at this point it would be prudent as a safeguard from this happening again. I have discovered that yes I indeed like myself and as in the words of my friend Edip, I need to stop going out with the bullshit people. He had nothing so how could I have expected him to give me anything?

In his defense, I did push him to commit. I agree 100% that it was unfair that I pushed that with him, especially since he wasn’t ready. He did give mixed signals with the months of continual sex, the possibility of going back to his ex of 2 years, the large amount of time he spent with me, and his jealously over other guys, especially Paul. You can’t have both… I think he planned on breaking it off with me before I arrived to pick him up. I don’t think it mattered if I did anything that night or not, he would have found something to bury me on. Did I mean to hurt him, or make him angry- no of course not. I loved him, but I’ve had enough. Love doesn’t hurt on a regular basis; I shouldn’t have to break up with him to get his attention. In my own defense, how could anyone be satisfied with that type of relationship? So did I stay committed to him during our 4 months? No. I think he knew for the most part. The texts at all hours of the night, people would hit on me in front of him. Sometimes my dates would want to go to the bar where he worked, sometimes when he’d call to have me come get him and I would be with someone else or on a date. I didn’t exactly hide it nor did I rub it in his face, but I’m not the type of woman who pines over a guy. I never asked him if I was only one for I assumed that I wasn’t and it really didn’t bother me. What did bother me is that he would feel sorry for this person or that poor soul, but when something would happen to me, there wasn’t any sympathy or The time I got sick in July was proof of that and when I became ill again recently.

I feel bad that he missed out on me, on a great relationship and the potential for falling in love. I really don’t think he’s been there and feel sorry for him that he let a person who loved and cared about him go-again. However, there seems to be a pattern with him letting his important relationships go when they become too heavy, which in my opinion is a coward’s way out and I expected it.
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