Thursday, October 01, 2009

I Gotta Man I Can't Let Go.. Part II

It was right around that time he started his new full time job. He’s the creative kind, and I wanted to help him find a job of that nature. He and I sat down, had a few lengthy discussions of what he wanted to do and because I know quite a few people in the creative “field” I threw him a couple of job options. He applied, interviewed and walked out fully employed. That meant that he literally had 3 jobs now, 1 full-time, 1 part-time and another part-time that was seasonal. I have given him rides and run errands for him/with him numerous times. To celebrate his new employment I bought him a couple of casual shirts for work. He politely declined to accept them until I started crying at the insult. I did all of this because I wanted to, I did it freely without expectation; I did it because I liked him, and because we were friends.

I don’t intend to absolve myself of any responsibility for any of the choices I’ve made thus far, but in terms of how it has felt and it feels, this hasn’t been one of those things where I’ve been all, “I’m not proud of what I’ve done, but….” I’m neither proud nor not proud, just surprised and embarrassed at myself. I have regrettably become nervous about talking to him about how I feel in lieu of rejection so we both live in ignorance of anything that is happening between us emtionally. In making these choices, I have spent many hours consulting at great length with my heart and head, and with people close to me who know and care about me a lot, understand me, and hold me to the same standards as I hold myself. They all said the same thing…. “RUN!” For whatever reason, I didn’t listen.

As we were walking to the car one day he started teasing me. He was telling me that I was “all talk” and all of a sudden I became “embarrassed”, over some of things we'd done together. I started becoming irate and mentioned that I did everything I said I was going to do but he completely bullshitted his way out of doing anything. He claimed he never said he’d do anything so I showed him the texts he sent me about it and he became angry. He seriously and sternly told me to delete them. I laughed and said I was keeping them. Then things got volatile. I didn’t like the fact that he was telling me what to do, the tone and way he was speaking to me. He ultimatums me: delete the texts or I could keep them and we are done. I tried to talk him out of that because I didn’t think it was that serious. I told him I refused to have this type of conversation with him, got into my car and left.

  I’m on the road driving away, I get a text saying that I was not to come to his place of work now that we aren’t speaking, then another saying that his shirt was in my car and he wanted it back.. now. My phone rings, it’s him telling me he wants his shirt back then hangs up on me. So I go back and tell him to get his ass in the car. He doesn’t argue and gets in. I start to read him the riot act; he doesn’t tell me what to do, he doesn’t talk to me that way-EVER. I told him that it wasn’t worth it to keep the texts and that I had erased them. He brings up that if he had something I sent him, and it made me uncomfortable to have it, he’d get rid of it for me because I asked. He then said it “made him feel uncomfortable” that I had them. For whatever reason that explanation was all I needed.. He felt uncomfortable, why he didn’t say that in the beginning? If he would have said that initially, I wouldn’t have argued, and just erased them without issue. What bothered me was that he was willing to throw our “relationship” away over some lousy texts. He said that no longer being friends would have bothered him but he’d eventually get over it. We talked more about what happened, how I didn’t want him to think he could “bulldoze” me with ultimatums going forward, that “asking me” instead of “telling me” is a better way to get me to do something. We then ran a few errands and I dropped him off at work. Nervous about what had happened, I took 2 more steps back....

The hanging out we used to do seemed to stop and it seemed that the only way I’d see him was if I gave him a ride somewhere or if we ran errands together. In his defense I figured it was the landscape changed: I have 2 jobs and he now had 3, and between the two of us any spare time and sleep was scarce.

With all of this continuing he calls me up to go out with some of his co-workers. I initially hesitate then agree, to drive him home. By this time I’m already staying over night at his house platonically. His co-workers are an awesome bunch of guys and I start of get the solid feeling that they think he and I are a couple. Which by and large we act and look like it from my perspective as well. One of his co-workers mentioned how fun and cool I was and kept being mentioned throughout the night. Once he and I are alone, I tell him he’s an idiot because his buddies think I’m great but for whatever reason he doesn’t. Then he grabs and kisses me. I’m startled but go with it. He downs his drink and tells his co-workers that he and I are leaving. I argue that I’m not done drinking, he grabs my hand, squeezes it and shoots me this look of “heeellllooo!”, and we leave immediately. We barely got into the car and we were all over each other, same when we got into his apartment. We finally fell asleep at 5am and I was up 7am to go home to change and get to work. To be honest I didn’t want to leave. I wanted nothing but to stay in bed and linger the day away with him. He had to work later that afternoon so I’m sure he was happy not to have me around so he could get some sleep.

By this time most, if not all of my friends were aware of the situation and how our relationship was slowly deteriorating. They were all becoming concerned. I kept telling myself and everyone else that I was going to walk away from it. I’d spend 3-5 days ignoring him then he’d need me for something and I’d jump. Paul told me that if I chose to continue with this, that he couldn’t help or support me any longer. To just not tell him anymore, he’d had it, I was on my own. The rest were just tired of either hearing about it, seeing me hurt, pissed, cry or upset. All of them were ready to kill him but then I noticed he was starting to get a bit better. He was thanking me again, buying me dinner, paying me compliments, and paying for the things he wanted us to do together. Granted it's not about money but I wanted his TIME and acknowledgement and I was getting a bit of that to now.

I had my brother and some friends come out to his work to hang out. My brother met him and instantly said “I want you away from him, now.” My g-friends Kat and Katie said the same thing. I kept telling them that I would until Kat threaten to tell Paul, (who I’d kept in the dark for weeks) and my folks. I had a fight-or-flight impulse, so I flew. I took the coward’s way out and wrote him an e-mail indicating how I felt about him (insanely crazy), how I felt he treated me (horribly) and how I wanted to deal with it all (not sure). I said simply that I needed to be away from him for awhile to gain perspective and possibly have him back in my life..maybe, someday, possibly. His response was one of perceived faux understanding and a last feeble attempt at control over the situation.

Then I broke down and called my folks. They knew part of what was going on but once they got the state of events they were extremely disturbed and angry. My dad didn’t say too much, my Mum threaten to go “talk” to him and put me into mandatory counseling to resolve whatever issue this was stemming from. Granted this seems a bit extreme and overly dramatic but both my parents were startled and surprised, along with all of my friends that I would tolerate this sort of treatment with eyes wide open since I don’t have a history of this kind of behavior. The whole situation is and remains foreign to all involved, which is why I dealt and continue to deal with it so poorly.

So here I sit, embarrassed, insecure, defeated, hurt, and pretty pissed off over it even though I knew what I was doing and what was going on. On the other hand, I’m realizing that have to be kind to myself and cut myself a break knowing that this is not a behavior I typically adhere to. I made clear what I felt and wanted when we started this, and in his defense he was pretty clear on several occasions what he wanted and that he “wasn’t good” at this sort of thing. Whether or not he feels his treatment of me was poor is doubtful and perhaps he’d be correct in saying that I’m/was fully aware of what I was doing but the how and why seem to matter little at the moment and offer no solace. Right now I can say it hurts like hell and I’ll eventually get over it, even though it doesn’t seem so. I will be one of the walking wounded for awhile I’m sure, I know that it will pass and I will move on; lesson learned, experience gained I guess, even though I'm not sure what lesson is to be learned and if I want the experience...

Part 1 is here
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