Friday, September 18, 2009

I Gotta Man I Can't Let Go...Part 1

 This is the twentieth time in the last couple of months I’ve tried to write about this but due to the entire situation moving so fast I was unable to. I’m determined to succeed this time, despite my fear of doing so. I have received a few notes/calls from people starting to earnestly worry about me: I certainly don’t want to make anyone worry, but I do appreciate the concern.
Given my vague notes on FB, and how hard things have been lately, there’s going to be a lot to read here today, and it’s going to read a whole lot like an explanation and whining, even though I’d prefer it not to be. I don’t really know how to do this: I expect it to be very…confusing and raw, which is what my emotions have been as of late. Please keep in mind that of course this is only my side, I’m sure he has his side too and any time two people have any sort of relationship there’s going to be a lot of gray area not covered.

  The short of it is that I became semi-involved with someone, it didn’t turnout well, I’m sad, hurt and he’s… well, I’m not sure at this point. I don’t usually feel comfortable sharing this type of thing, especially when it comes to talking about how I feel and did “many, many” stoopid things, but I guess that is about to change, isn’t it? I’ve never been any good at admitting that I made a mistake or in this case- several, so this isn’t to necessarily bash him but to callout the many mistakes I made and continue to make as I try to shake myself of this.

  I don’t feel comfortable sharing this type of info, but I feel even more uncomfortable not doing so. I don’t like keeping secrets, and I certainly don’t like being kept one either. All the same, I was hoping I could share a warm fuzzy story about falling for someone great, wonderful, how he was everything I wanted, I could say I was in this magnificent relationship with someone….No, wait.....

  In the beginning he was everything I wanted: good-looking, dark, rough around the edges, caring, sensitive, smart-like me, creative-like me, independent-like me. He approached me and pursued me. Per usual I didn’t expect it for I’d been at this place several times before and never saw him. I didn’t paid attention until he did something grand. He went out of his way to come see me when I was working. No biggie, right? Well, it’s out of the way and I happened to look and feel like crap that day. Besides, as we know I go soft for shit like that, that’s really the only way to get my attention. Never the less, I was hooked from…that…very…moment.

  After that, we were together almost everyday; hanging out, running errands, watching him perform, dinners, talking, I was so happy that I literally pointed it out to him once. I was having a “moment”. A moment so profound that I believed life simply couldn’t get any better than that particular moment and all we were doing was sitting outside on a summer’s eve, listening to music, having a cup of coffee, not saying a word to each other. Somewhere in the middle we had a long conversation about relationships, communication, honesty and such. I told him I wanted us to be together and his answer was a stern “no”. He explained that he had lost himself in his last relationship and got out of it due to the negative results. He didn’t want to be in a relationship right now, that I shouldn’t feel rejected for it wasn’t because of me, but because of him. He simply didn’t want to be with anyone right now. I figured that was very honest and admirable to say the least, but I pushed it.

Over the 4th holiday he was dealing with some personal issues and wanted to be away from everyone to deal with it. I had shown up (after asking and not getting a reply) to his job to see if I could cheer him up or at the very least, talk to him about it. This was a huge misstep on my part. He sternly bitched me out for coming, bringing friends, and flat out told me he didn’t want me there. I offered to leave and he said no, if I wanted to stay and enjoy the entertainment that was fine but he wasn’t going to talk to me. So my friends and I stayed for about an hour and left. This is where I made an exception, which I’ve had mixed feelings about ever since. My instinct was to tell him to fuck off and leave. I have never let anyone talk to me like that or tell me what to do, especially in public. The way I was raised you never argue or fight in public, he did that AND in front of my best friend and her husband. My best friend’s husband was so offended by what he heard he wanted to knock him out right there. 2 days later we meet to discuss what happened and end up fighting again, this time yelling at each other in the car …
His point: He didn’t yell at me, but was making a solid statement he didn’t want to see anyone, including me. I made an assumption after not hearing back from him that I could come see him…not the case. He didn’t feel the need to apologize since he felt sabotaged and that his feelings were ignored.
My point: He yelled at me, in public, in front of my friends. He embarrassed me. It’s a public place and I can go wherever I choose. Granted he didn’t want to see anyone, anyone BUT me was my thought; I thought he should apologize for hurting my feelings if he cared about me at all. We never really resolved it since we were both tired from arguing, and he thought I was making a bigger deal out of it than need be. All he wanted me to do was “get out of the car, come in side the bar and chill” for a while. That statement alone made me want to slap his face. I just sat there in the car contemplating what I was going to do. As I got out, I almost slapped him and drove off, but I did as he asked, crying and angry all the while.

Okay, taking a breath. Now another one. One more.

  It makes me feel inadequate to admit, but one benefit of living under very stringent ethics is that it allows you a certain lack of vulnerability. In some ways, a perception of you is not as flawed and fallible as everyone else. Now, all of that has been tossed out the window and I’m down in the dregs like everyone else. Because I did go outside my own ethics, ethics I tend to broadcast quite freely, I feel a need to explain. I’d been getting quite a rough time from everyone in regard to my “quick to dismiss” attitude with dating. I’m generally very hard on the guys I date, dismiss them quite easily and argue with them a lot. Well, I had decided that this time I wasn’t going to do that. I was going to ride it out and see what happened, because at the get-go there were things I would have already dismissed him for; he has a child, an ex wife and recent ex-g-friend, no permanent place to live, and no full time job. I figured chemistry is chemistry and we had that in abundance. I’d let it all go and perhaps I could help him out. I’m good at that anyway, it is what I do for a living and apart of who I am. I do confess because I became enamored with him, I became “goofy” and insecure. Granted most women have issues with themselves and I’m no different, I usually don’t let it drive things. In this case, that’s all I did.…all…the…time.

Why did I let this happen? Why did I make exceptions? Why did I let it go on as long as I did?

I think there are several reasons:

1. I was rejected by 3 guys within a 3 week period.

2 .He was/is everything I was/am looking for physically in a guy. Dark, edgey, tattooed, even down to the bike he had and car he drove. I didn’t want to let that go and once he figured that he could get me to bend with just a look, he used it against me…all..the..time.

3. I figured that the more time he spent with me, the more he’d like me.

4. I’m coming onto 40 and everyone around me seems to be falling into the “relationship” thing quite easily, I’m having issues like I did when I was in my twenties..still!

5. I really thought for the first month/month and half that this was “it”.

6. This is the first guy I’ve gotten "stoopid" over to since Paul and that was 6 years ago.

  I thought for sure it was over after that night but a few days later he called me for something. He wanted me to go with him out of town for a gig he was working. He wanted me to drive us out there, book a hotel and stay the weekend. I thought that sounded perfect, at first, then I asked him a vital question.. “Why do you want me to come with you?” because at this point it seemed that he only wanted the ride and was just planning on putting up with me for the rest. One of his friend’s was going to be there and that same friend’s family lived there, why wasn’t he going with him? It’d be cheaper, right? We went around, and around on this, before I pressed him for an answer. His reply was that the question was too “uncomfortable” for him to answer and if I didn’t want to go I could just say, so I did and made it clear again the next morning.
Literally all I was looking for was him to say “I want you to go with me because I’d like you to go...” or “it’d be fun...” Granted, I was sick with a cold and by and large had no business even considering the notion. He didn’t even ask how I was feeling or if I was better, just joked about the possibility I was faking it all. This surprised me, for I wouldn’t know or have the inclination to fake being sick. The whole situation pissed me off, more so because I was sick and it seemed he didn’t care.

I texted him on Sunday and said I wanted to go for coffee and talk. I planned on letting him have it, throw everything I was feeling at him. Then I was hit with a surprise, he wanted me to come get him at the gig. My instinct was to say no for I still had a bit of a cold, but I agreed, drove out to get him and bring him back to the Cities. Did I talk to him about how I was feeling? No, I was so excited to see him that I didn’t want to ruin the hour I had with him. At some point I remember looking over at him thinking that I shouldn’t be selfish and ruin it with my insecurity over the situation so I’d bring it up another time. At that moment I decided to take a couple of steps back…

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