Monday, July 13, 2009

Why I Do..


May 17th 2006 is when I went in and met with Joanie my assigned nurse. She weighed, and measured me then we waited for “Doc” Dr. Rahel to come in to give my prognosis. “You are clear and in remission” she said. It took a minute or two for that statement to soak into my head but I was done and in the clear and most importantly it hadn’t spread and I was alive! Joanie then decided to mention that I’d lost 15lbs since my last appt. “Doc” looked at me intensely and said “We did have the discussion about dieting and your immune system, right?” I shyly nodded. “You don’t feel sick, overly cold or warm do you? Any colds or nose bleeds?” she asked as she checked my ears, nose and throat. “I feel perfect.” I said. I slowly pushed down her stethoscope, “I feel great and am fine, really.” I shot an irritated look at Joanie and she smirked playfully back.

I was ready to jump out of my skin as walked out of Meadowbrook that day thanking my stars and the Lord for letting this only be a scare and not a life or death situation. I was determined to begin life right there, right now. To begin a new and healthy lifestyle and to drastically change a whole lotta stuff!
I started working the two jobs right away for I had a ton of medical bills and a new house to pay for. I worked all the time, saved every penny I could to pay off my debt.
I would sit in my new, partially unfurnished house and tell my ex that I wanted to reconnect with old friends I’d lost touch with, go see some good live shows, go to concerts again, dress up and go to the Theater, I wanted to fall in love at least one more time, go to Europe but never had done. I wanted to live more than what I had, just in case the bottom dropped out. I didn’t want to have any regrets about anything because I was too afraid, or just didn’t have the time. I started losing all the weight I’d put on, I started gaining my sense of self back and met new friends that were into the same things I was into. I started introducing my self to new people, bands and musicians through the friends we had in common, I reconnected with people through MySpace, Twitter, Facebook and my blog, I started going out more and more.

I went in for a couple of post cancer physicals and was told that I wasn’t dealing with a couple of things as well I should be. My stress level was off the charts and I was clearly exhausted. Doc told me that if I couldn’t get these things under control that she’d make me take classes on how to deal with stress and I absolutely needed to try and sleep more, not dealing with both could lead to getting sick again and a slimmer chance of survival. Now I haven’t ever been a great sleeper, not since my ex and I broke up and he got his own place. Hence the reason I have Gabriel the cat. He was intended to give me the “sense of security” I needed to sleep without having “one ear to the ground” all the time. When I bought the house and moved from downtown St. Paul to semi-country Cottage Grove I had issues sleeping for 3 months. It was too quiet. I could hear crickets, birds, wolves, owls, snapping twigs in the field out front, fish jumping in the pond and the groans and snaps a house makes when it settles.
My job at the bank was stressful all the time. Dealing with idiots is always stressful for me. I’m not a fantastic communicator and I don’t like people, so I have a tendency to think that most people are on my same wave length and think in efficiencies just as I do. I call this: “living inside my head” I try to think of others BEFORE myself and I thought/think most people do to. This is not the case I have learned, so you can imagine!

I can’t say I’ve always made great choices and I have a tendency to ignore my instincts a lot of the time. I sometimes choose the selfish choice and get burned in the end. I sometimes change my mind in middle somewhere and don’t tell anyone, I sometimes suffer in silence, keep my accomplishments to myself, I exhaust myself but continue to do what I want on my terms as long as I hurt no one in the process. I try to be as honest and forth coming as I can with my intentions and sometimes I fall short despite my most gallant efforts. I’m more forgiving than I should be for the most part, but usually issues that I have with other people usually have little to do with me directly, so I rarely get angry and dismiss anyone. I have a tendency to empathize with people which makes it stressful to be with people who have a lot of problems. I tend to go into “help” mode and become consumed with solving their problems, sometimes at my own expense. This doesn’t mean that I put up with a lot though; for I am my mother’s daughter and just as feisty. Don’t ever tell me that you want something “because I said so.” That will never sit well with me and I will not do it, even if I want to. My parents never got away with that as a reason, why would I let you?
I will certainly be the first to apologize if I have screwed up but I’m very “old school” in my beliefs. Men should pursue women, there is reason behind everything that happens good or bad, you hold doors open and chairs out for ladies, respect your elders etc. I do sometimes “color outside of those lines” but only to a certain extent before I give up. Patience isn’t something I have a lot of and my life moves pretty fast, it always has. I’m not ashamed of who I am or what I have or haven’t done. We all have our different stories- things that hang us up; children, ex-spouses, parents, I do too but I won’t let people influence me that much, I never have. Some might not agree with what I do, may not understand it, maybe afraid of it, but I’m single, 39 yrs old, I have no desire to marry or have children (which doesn’t mean I won’t, I just don’t think about it.) I have a great job(s), beautiful home, great family and friends, 3 fabulous ex’s, a nice car and a furry Gabriel cat. So why judge me? I wouldn’t have time or the inclination to judge you.
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