Wednesday, July 22, 2009

A Talking To..

My boss at the airport had a brief (again) chat with me yesterday. Apparently a few people (I thought I could trust) at the airport are tired of hearing about my dating “stories”. At first it didn’t bother me, and then the more I thought about it, it got me to thinking … am I talking too much about this? Am giving away too much info about myself? Am I embarrassing myself? My conclusion to all of these questions was, yes.

Up until about 8 months ago I never really talked about the guys I dated. I used to talk to my ex- P and maybe Das, but no one else about how things were going, how I felt or if I was even going out with anyone until it was over. If I had a break up or the guy treated me like crap, I suffered with it…quietly. I felt too embarrassed to admit that I’m not always the strong willed person I usually am and sometimes like someone to the point of compromising myself a bit.

I remember talking to BFF Kelly about Sam (Simon), how I really had a horrible time with him 2 weeks after it all happened. I remember how irate she was over the fact we’d been friends for over a year and never once had I discussed ANY relationship related anything with her until it was well over with. It just seemed stupid to me to make a big deal about someone who may not be in your life a week from now. She and P told me that most people feel elated when they meet someone, that it’s normal to be excited, feel the butterflies and all the things that go into liking someone. That it’s also fairly typical that we sometimes stick around a bit longer than we should, sometimes compromise ourselves a bit too much to nab the attention of someone we feel is right for us even though they might not be. That sometimes we don’t always see the red flags and that’s why we need to talk to people, to gain that alternative perspective and have those that love us/care about us bring the things we are blinded by to our attention. So I starting sharing; asking for advice on things, crying on people’s shoulders. I think perhaps to nauseum.

The last 3 guys that I’ve liked have been hard for me to take leave of. 2 told me that they didn’t want relationships with me nor did they want to date me, and the third never knew that I liked him at all. I’d hung out with all them, shared more of myself than I should have or originally intended. I vested something in each and perhaps I shouldn’t have. Granted there’s a lot of “gray” in what has happened since mid-May, but I feel as if I’ve been tumbled in a dryer. I’ve gone from the extreme high of happiness to the low of tears and self doubt. A lot of what has happened between myself and these men has little to do with me as a person, that I know. I know for a fact that it would have happened the same if another girl were involved in the equation, however knowing that lends little solace if any. I just thought if they got to know me they’d think I was amazing and change they’re minds. Part of me also says “of course not, you idiot! Why would they like you?!” None of them are ready for a relationship at this point, which is what it comes down to, no matter how amazing they may/may not think I am. I don't want that either. I want them all to be ready for me and I for them.

To get me through it, I again have to rely on that old personal belief that there is a reason that I’m not to be involved with them. Perhaps they’re jerks, not for me, have issues well beyond what I could imagine.. whatever the reason, it is not to happen. Perhaps I, myself have some things to work out before I can be in another relationship. It just seems to be that last piece in my life that is missing, not that I need it, because I certainly don’t, it would be nice for a change. I don’t know of anyone who takes rejection well, much less 3 rejections in 2 months.

I digress, I think after all of this constant whining, that I’m going to go back to staying “mum” about any dating or relationships until I’m well into 3 months of it. That I’m going to go back to keeping my distance, holding back how I feel about things. I did like talking to people about my thoughts and feelings about what was going on, it made me feel a bit better to know that there are others out there that feel the same as I do and experience similar things. For a long time I thought I was the only one who had these outrageous dating stories (for the most part I think I do), turns out I’m not.

So I apologize to those I’ve whined to on end, to those I’ve kept up late and asked advice from just to ignore. It won’t be happening anymore.
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