Monday, December 11, 2006

The Stuff of Legends

I know I have mentioned a few or a couple of the disastrous dates I’ve been on, but I usually tell the tale so many times I forget to write them down. You all know about the most recent, the guy I had dinner with at Billy’s on Grand, the one that pissed my bed and the 4 main men in my life ..oooh but wait-there’s more!

High School-Senior Year 1988
Rob Smale-I dated him for 3 months I think. He was a year younger than me and I knew he wanted to date me. He was a lanky punker kid. I let him break up with me because we obviously were going nowhere. We kissed something like twice, I was bored and showed disinterest. Whatever-yawn.

Normandale CC- Freshman Year
Bill ?- Looked a lot like Steve Perry. Total mama’s boy and his mother had a “sit down” talk with me about “goin’ out with her boy”. Umm, ok, we were dating for 2 months….
He was a virgin and I got all “guy” about it. Thinking how cool it would be to have sex with a guy who was a virgin. Umm, yeah. It was soooo much better in my mind! We broke up when he waited until 2am before deciding he wanted me to drive him home instead of staying over night. He didn’t have a car and I did, so I ended that “you’re my taxi” mentality right away. I broke up with him the next day. He ended up dating one of my friends who was a 450lb redhead and married her!

Normandale CC-Freshman Year (3 months later)
Noah ?- Bill’s best friend. He also had a g-friend. Yeah, I’m a jerk. We had the “to-drunk-to-care-who-I-sleep-with” sex. His g-friend ended up finding out that not only did he sleep with me that same night but slept with 2 other friends of ours too. I played and was played. Oh well. I thought it funny, serves me right anyway.

Mankato State-Sophmore year
Jason- He was a friend of mine and had been for quite sometime. He looked like Campbell Scott from the movie “Singles.” He and I were spending a lot of time working together and hanging out together. I started to like him. He was nice, smart, and funny. After several attempts at hitting on him, he finally just looked at me and told me upfront that he didn’t like me well, because “we just aren’t compatible”. I was floored and my feelings were hurt but I wasn’t mad, how could I be? He was just being honest. We ended up staying friends and he married my g-friend Wendy and had a child.

Jim- He was the District Manager of the restaurant I worked at. He was married and a complete player-I hated him. He managed to charm me a bit with his intelligence and we ended up at a restaurant one night talking. When he dropped me off at my house he kissed me and we ended up waking up my neighbors and roommates with all the rolling around we did on the deck. Once we calmed down a bit, he made an indecent proposal. If I would agree to sleep with him he’d pick me up and have me brought to his hotel room when he was in town. He’d take me out (dinner, theater, clubs), pay for everything, I’d stay with him at the hotel for however long he was in town and when it was time for him to leave he’d drop me off at home. I agreed. I mentioned it to Rachel the next day and she propositioned me, “If you do this I will not be friends with you.” she said. Therefore, I didn’t.

Chris-John-Was set up by Rachel and another friend. They though he was perfect for me, actually he wasn’t at all. He never touched me-period. He told me I was too aggressive and I told him to buzz off.

Billy Scarstadt- Looked like Eddie Vedder from Pearl Jam. He hit on me the first second I was introduced to him but figured I’d hold out for at least a couple of months. I really liked him. We dated for 3 months before we did anything. It wasn’t terribly great or bad. Apparently I scratched him or left some sort of mark on him, because as I stepped out into the hall to go to the bathroom I overheard him bragging to his friends about what he had done with me. It was really terrible stuff, so I grabbed my clothes and snuck out. I saw him a week later and invited him to a birthday party my friends were throwing me. He said he’d come, then didn’t. He came over to my house, drunk, banging on the door, wanting to see me. I ignored the door until he left. Decided problaly not a good idea to see him anymore.

Mankato State-Junior Year
The DJ at the local bar- Had spoken to him several times that year and decided to invite him over. I was rebounding from a three and half-year relationship and wanted to get “some”. Invited him over, worked him over, and sent him home in a cab. Kept low for about a week and stayed away from the bar for about a month before I had the guts to go back in. He was friendly to me but we never got together again. I figured I made it pretty clear I didn’t want to go out with him.

Mankato State-Junior Year
Brent Turner- This guy apparently graduated with Rachel and I and I never knew it. Met him through some mutual friends and we hit it off. Was pretty sure he liked me, I was wrong. I kept hitting on him etc and he never seemed to pay attention to it. We ended up sleeping next to each other at a friend’s after bar and he never tried anything, in fact I think he masturbated next to me,because he kept rocking back and forth really fast.

Arizona State University-Junior Year
Jim Luggenbuhl- This guy was a mistake-HUGE mistake! He was my boss-directly. I didn’t even know he liked me. I was feeling a bit , ehm, unattractive and he came along. He wasn’t close to being my type or taste. I dated him for 3 months and found him to be very much a “red neck” and unintelligent. I found out he was also seeing the woman that would become his wife. I called him to chew him out and once he figured out I was pissed he hung up on me. He ended up married to this girl and had a couple of kids. I wonder how they can all fit into that tiny trailer?

Fall 2004
Chris?-Met this guy online at something like Match.com or Minnesota singles...something...He and I spoke for about 3 months before deciding to met. We decided to met at the movies and go see "Shallow Hal". He was late , so I bought the tickets. When he arrived, I go to hug him and he stiffens up. I figured whatever...As we start to walk toward the theater he starts muttering under his breath. When I ask what's up he explodes into this tirade of how I didn't tell him I was fat and how he wasn't expecting me to be an amazon. huh? I told him that it wasn't my fault he was shrimpy-who cares? He insulted me throughout the movie and when I started walking toward my car he decided to show off his turck to me. I told him I thought he was making up for something and went home.

Guy from Accenture-Very cute in his picture (met him online). The guy that showed up at my door looked completely different. Fat and no hair. He was nice, not too smart or interesting. I told him I didn't think it a good idea to go out again-if you can't be honest now, how can you be honest later?

Artist Guy from Minneapolis- Very hot looking but obviously not interested in me. He talked throughout our dinner and had half of his food on his lap. He mentioned that he didn't like the fact that I had cut 6 inches off my hair, he preferred girls with long hair. Drove me to a movie in his Benz going so damn fast I had to grab the "oh shit!' handle and beg him to slow down. He kept using the word "obscure" to describe everything and I don't think he knew what it meant.
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