Tuesday, May 17, 2005

War of the Roses-Silently

P and I broke up-again. Amicable, expected and a long time coming for most who knew us. Too much interference from outside parties, P is inexperienced when it comes to relationships, I’m to “unconditional” and “for better or for worse”. We argue a lot, relate too little, he doesn’t want to move forward and I want to get married and have a family. That pretty much sums it up. We now work together, not in the same dept or floor and I’m sure if we both wanted to we could work forever in the same building and never run into each other. We have decided to remain friends for the most part. P seems to be dealing with this decision a bit too well for my taste and …well, I’m not. It comes in weird waves- Sometimes I enjoy having him around and am sad we broke up. I think of all the funny times we had. The times we’d sit in bed and talk. How we were so madly in love (at different times of course). Part of me wants to call him and have him stay over and be with me on the weekend. Sometimes I want to punch him right in the face. Stomp on his lunch, throw him out the window of the building and tell him I think he’s an immature ass and if he’d just grow a pair we’d get a long just fine. Run to Vegas and just get married so he realizes that even though marriage IS a big deal, your life really doesn’t change that much…..

I don’t want or plan on doing any favors or making any more allowances for him. I’ve made enough-like if living with his parents wasn’t enough of a damn favor I don’t know what is. I partially blame his parents for this to. We were fine in our relationship before we lived with them and the first year we were there. After that, he changed and hasn’t been the same since. It’s probably best that things ended up the way they are. I know I could not have not anything else differently that would not have brought me to the same place I’m at now.

Sometimes I sit and watch other couples. Wonder how they met. I simply look at the miracle that I simply just "ran" into all the boyfriends I've had. I've looked at all of them with amazement at how smart they all have been and how I just love the conversations we all had. Will I ever met another guy that amazes me intellectually? A man's man with a nutty sense of humor? I think there are only so many opportunities at love within one's lifetime and maybe I've reached mine. Maybe I'm thinking about it too much but it saddens me.

I feel very panicked that I’m 35 and am nowhere near ever getting married and having a family. I am in the same place I was 10, 15, 20 years ago. That freaks me out like you not believe. I figure I don’t have a lot of time to have a family, about 5 years maybe. Yes, a lot can happen in 5 years but this is me we’re talking about. Shit, it took 8 years between (X)Erik and P! I’m also a “chubby” now. Not a lot of guys who want to date a “chubby” girl. Attempting to take care of that now. I’m about 20lbs down now….We’ll see how long I can stand it this time before you see in the local McDonald’s ordering the entire dollar menu.

I’m not a real good dater, I’m picky and need to generally be friends with someone before I date them. I also don’t have any single friends. All of my friends have someone or are married. I literally have not a soul to go out with like I did when I was in my twenties. All the women I work with are all married as well. Sucks! Besides, they don’t need me to be crying pity to them when they are trying to deal with their house, their families, children, husband, dog.

I’m thinking of joining an events group the I’m a loser and don’t have any friends type of group,after I buy my house. It’s not a dating thing but a “get out and do things with others” type of thing. I was looking at their calendar of events and it looked interesting. They have it broken into group types. I’m in the Movies/Theater/Museums group. There’s the Skydiving/bungee jumping/BASE jumping group, the tennis/football/soccer group, and my group. The horse back riding and trip to Australia looked good to me. My host person, Mike is super nice and basically helps new members get acclimated. He definitely thinks I’m perfect for the program and would fit in just fine. It’s $75.00/mo and they pretty much take care of everything. You just call into him and let him know you’re coming and they put you on the list. For the bigger trips, they come and get you and take you to the airport! I told him that I’d get back to him this summer. It makes me sad to think that I have to “buy friends” at this stage in my life.

I feel like dying when I think of growing old alone…with no one……to have my face eaten off by my cats…as they attempt to find my next of kin…to find that I have no one who cares that I’ve died and that half my face was partially eaten off by my pets.
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