Sunday, April 24, 2005

Why Are You Like This?

As of late I have become a bit sad due to the fact that I have been with P for almost 10 years and have yet to see any sort of “forward” commitment. Yes, he and I have some “underlying” issues that need to be worked out and yes, I believe sometimes we’ve had more bad times than good. (Due to others imposing on our relationship, not because of us.) I’m starting to pick apart our relationship to the point that I’m questioning a lot of things……………..

1. The fact that all we do for his b-day is have him come over to my folk’s house. He usually receives a couple of gifts -on the down low of course, and still after 9 years, pitches a damn fit about how he doesn’t want to “make a big deal” out of his b-day.

2. The other day I was describing what I would consider a perfect vacation and he interrupted with something like “I would prefer to just stay home”.

3. He never wants to go out or go on vacation.

4. After many a time mentioning that when I buy my house, he should live with me. He always laughs and tells me no. Usually adding insult to injury.

Thinking about all of this has been bringing out waves of hysterical crying fits to severe anger to numbness. Usually when I’m thinking of breaking up with someone, I feel like I’m “reaching the end” of something and I’m feeling that with P. Maybe it’s a good thing or maybe bad. All I know is that if he asked me to marry him today- I would have to think about it because so far I haven’t seen much of a budge in personality. It seems that he’s gotten a bit worse on the “fun” part because when we were dating and I lived in Arizona, we’d go out all the time. He’d come out on vacation every 6-8 months. It disturbs me that he won’t do that now. My idea of a good vacation is to be anywhere but home. Lounge around a beach or a fire, make love, eat and drink. We used to do things like that, but not anymore.
He seems to think that if we got married, I’d be unhappy with him. Variety is the spice of life. I just get a bit fed up with staying at home all the time and when I want to do something fun and get out, he buzz kills it. He‘s always said “well, you and I don’t have a lot in common.” That frustrates me to the point I want to just cry and ask “Why are you like this?”
I don’t want to marry anyone that I have to force to marry me. I want him to ask me because he loves me and wants to, not because he knows I’ll never speak to him again. I’ve had lots of my girlfriend’s (including my boss) ultimatum their b-friends, break up and leave them only to have the guys come back begging to get married. What?! I’ve never heard of a marriage lasting when this has happened. It’s just a curse if you ask me. He should already know what he has, not have to lose it to figure it out! Dumb! The whole thing makes me want to become a lesbian.
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